Jesus Became my Shepherd. (As told by Bertha Mae Sollenberger Crider Heisey)

I used to hear my mother tell stories of her life and I always heard them through the filter of being her daughter. Now, I read them through the lens of a middle-aged woman—and I absorb them as one woman talking to another woman about their lives.

As I make my way through my fifties I am starting to see how powerful it is to begin to look back over your life and connect the dots. I share more of her story with you, in remembrance of Mother's Day and a life that inspired so many other people, including me.

My mother, Bertha, was asked to tell her life-story for a series that featured various residents at Menno Haven, a retirement community in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania where she lived out the last decade of her life until she passed away. We are fortunate that someone asked this of her, otherwise, I'm not sure we'd have her stories in such detail.

Bertha tells her story at Menno Haven with the help of Aspen.
May 21, 2012

To prepare something for her to read to the other residents, my mother (with the assistance of my sister, Aspen) revisited memories and contemplated her rich life, the meanings and lessons she felt she learned. As they focused on a few of the key stories and settled on a theme, this is what they put together. (Re-edited by Aspen April of 2014).

Jesus Became my Shepherd

"I was born February 6, 1923, in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, and my parents were Avery Landis Sollenberger and Frances Wingert.

I grew up in Culbertson with my two brothers, Chester and Avery. Our family was very involved in the Air Hill Brethren in Christ Church. I remember one evening at a testimony meeting, I was about 5 or 6 years old and the women were all sitting together (this was back when women and men sat on separate sides) and I was curled up beside my mother, nestled to her side. Listening to all the testimonies, I began to feel sick in my stomach. I told my mother, "I feel sick!"  She must have had some sort of intuition about what was happening to me, because she whispered back: "Do you want to say something?" and I said, "Yes."

She had me stand up but I wasn't tall enough to be seen by the preacher, so she said I should stand up on the bench. Then the preacher saw me and asked if I wanted to testify. I said, "Yes, I want to love Jesus too!" and oh my...what a feeling I got when I said that! I plopped down on the seat beside my mother.

Bertha Mae Sollenberger (as a girl).

I still remember the satisfaction I had from obeying God, telling a group of people that I wanted to love Jesus too. Even though I was a young child, I believe something happened then and there that helped to lead me all my life.

Jesus became my shepherd.

This early experience of testifying set in motion a spiritual yearning and seeking that has lasted my whole life...I always felt like I wanted more of God—a deeper and richer experience.

At the height of my young married life when I seemed to have everything I could ever want, I did not feel the complete assurance that I was ready to meet God, and I remember praying: "Lord, I must know that I am your child, at any price." I just did not know what or how high that price was going to be. My prayer was answered and I do have that assurance for which I yearned.

I can see themes that have been woven into my life, and certainly an overarching theme would be this: No matter how difficult the experiences I have faced, (a car accident, a young husband's death, the death of two children, and sickness) God always prepared my heart just prior to the event, which helped to make the pain bearable.

I could only see those connections and the weaving of this theme in hindsight, but it always led me to a feeling of being cared for by God, and it helped me accept and have peace about the life-altering and traumatic happenings in my life.

By telling a few of the key stories in my life, I feel like that little girl, almost 90 years later, standing up on a bench and saying now: "I still want to love Jesus, and I have a lifetime of experience and stories about how He has taken care of me."

Frances:  One of my mother's favorite songs was the hymn, "God Will Take Care of You". I remember playing it for her on the piano because I knew she loved it. In elementary school, I even created a banner made out of burlap and yarn for her. As an adult woman, I'd get tired of dragging it around every time she had to move to another level of care in the retirement home. But now, as I go back and read her story, I see why this saying was so special to her and why she kept the banner. I keep that banner hanging in my office and I just can't throw it away.

The Death of Paul Crider (as told by Bertha Mae Sollenberger Crider Heisey)

Paul and Bertha Crider - Married on April 22, 1944

I've been sharing parts of my mother's story on Facebook, leading up to Mother's Day. This story is just too precious to only post part of it. I've taken an excerpt from a little book my sister wrote (with my Mother) not long before her death. I'm so glad we have this story in writing. Thank you, Aspen (my sister) for capturing Mother's story!

In April of 1947, Paul and Bertha were in a car accident after Paul fell asleep at the wheel. My mother's front teeth were knocked out and her jaw was broken in 5 places. 

We pick up the story here...

"After that car accident in April, life seemed rather heavy and I had just said to Paul while getting ready for bed on a Sunday night early in July—we were talking back and forth about the car accident, and I said: "Well, honey, I feel that I can go through anything as long as I have you to go through it with me. If you were taken from me, I'd hibernate the rest of my life." Paul turned to me and said in surprise, "Honey, I'm disappointed. I wish your faith in God would be strong enough that you could accept whatever happens as God's will for your life. Look at my parents. No two people loved each other more than they, yet when my father died, Mother accepted it as God's will and went steadfastly on her way."

The next day, Monday, July 7, I was hanging up my laundry on the clothesline outside, and thinking just how happy I was..I did love my life. I had a lovely son, and I was happy being the wife of Paul Crider. And then my mother and a neighbor lady came knocking on my front door, both looking very grave. They told me that there had been an accident on the job where Paul was working—building a silo in New Oxford. He had fallen from a height of about 40 feet and he was seriously injured. They told me he was in a coma, in the Hanover Hospital, and if I wanted to see Paul alive, I should come quickly with them to the hospital. Well, I went, I did get to see him alive, but he never regained consciousness. He died four days later on July 11, 1947.

After Paul died, and I remembered the conversation that had taken place so close to his death; it felt like somehow God was in it—He had prepared my heart, gone before anad arranged that Paul would give me this message in the calm and quite of home. "Have faith in God, that no matter what happens, you will know it is God's will for your life." It was almost as though it was a parting note from Paul.

The other thing that helped me during that time was regarding the numbers. I realized all the series of the number 7s had signifiance to me. Seven is God's number, said to be the perfect number...Paul had his fatal fall on the 7th day of the 7th month of 1947. I so needed to make sense of all of this for myself and seeing the 7s seemed to help. I didn't fall apart in the same way I think I would have if I hadn't had Paul's parting message and the numbers' message to hold onto. My heart is deeply moved when I realize the graciousness and love of God that He had gone before and provided for something He knew I would greatly need.

To read more excerpts about her story, visit my Facebook Page here.

The Cat's in the Bag!

In April, I spent a good bit of time on the road doing music and speaking at various events. Preparing to go away can be a daunting task in and of itself, but as a musician who has to take sound equipment, "stage" clothes and all your merchandise along, it feels even more daunting. Picture a music store on wheels.

Sometimes it's fun to go somewhere and not take ANYTHING with me—especially my phone! I feel so free.

Samie and Blue - my kittens!

But now that I have two adorable cats (though my husband calls them the demon twins—and they are very bad sometimes) life has become even more complicated when I pack. Or, maybe I just try to cram too many things into my day before I hit the road.

Things like....

Make food ahead of time and put it in the fridge for my husband.
Wash the kitchen floor.
Wash the clothes.
Balance the checkbooks.
Get the suitcase out from under the bed.
Chase the cats out of the suitcase.

Put clothes in the dryer.
Go to the library to get books for my husband to read while I'm away.
Clean out the fridge so that there are no science projects in there for my husband to gag over.
Go back to the suitcase and chase the cats out of it, again.

Take clothes out of the dryer and put them away.
Chase the cats out of the suitcase.
Start loading clothes in the suitcase.
Get the merchandise ready to pack up.
Load sound equipment in the van.
Wash more clothes.
Chase the cats who are now lying on top of my clothes, out of the suitcase.
Vacum cat hair off of my clothes and suitcase.
Go ahead and vacuum the house since the vacuum is now out of the closet.
Bake a pie. (What was it I'm supposed to be doing???)
Take a shower.
Wash hair.
Put on makeup.
Chase cats off the top of the suitcase so I can finish packing toiletries.
Close up the suitcase.
Set suitcase in the kitchen by the door so I don't forget it. (I have left without my suitcase!!)
Pack up exercise clothes (in a gym bag and hope the cats don't find THAT).
Chase cats away from the suitcase by the door.
Pull cats out of the gym bag.
Put the sneaker they pulled out of the gym bag back into the gym bag.
Finish packing the van.
Pull out of the driveway as the mournful cats watch you leave.
Begin wondering how to possibly take the cats with you next time.
Arrive at the venue and find more cat hair all over your black "stage" outfits.

Note to self: next time get black kittens?

Birthday Reflections.

Yesterday was a day of delight. Tom took me out for breakfast to one of our favorite places—Jaymee Lee's Diner. It's not that it's a fancy place, but it's my hometown. We stay caught up on the local chatter. 

We learned that a neighbor lost 13 calves this spring due to the long cold winter that's extended way too far into April. I was touched by his love for the calves. Especially since it didn't seem to be about the loss of money but the loss of little creatures. I inwardly groaned at his loss.  

After breakfast, I got my flower beds ready for planting the zinnia seeds I harvested last fall and kept through the winter. I eagerly wait for warmer weather when I can generously scatter them throughout the beds. My soul is always nourished by this yearly practice of working the soil, planting the seeds and harvesting more for next year.

After yard work, I visited the Newville library—another favorite hometown place. When I go to the library, I feel like I can do anything. I picked up a book I ordered called "Finishing the Hat" by Stephen Sondheim. The conductor of Portraits of White recommended I read—no—STUDY, this book to help me in my songwriting. I'm going to need to purchase one of my own. For now, this will have to do. 

We ate homemade vegetable beef soup for lunch. My soup supply is almost gone from the freezer. Soon it will be time to make more. It's amazing to feel the need for warm soup on April 26. The lilacs aren't anywhere close to blooming which is unusual. I often have lilacs for my birthday. Not this year.

After lunch, I rode my bicycle on the Newville trail all the way to Shippensburg University—something I've wanted to do for weeks but have never felt like I had the time. Yesterday I took the time. It was incredible. I sat on the campus for a short break and enjoyed a tart, crisp apple and a smoothie I made just for the trip. 

Tom and I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Ruby Tuesdays (we love those coupons that come in the mail!) along with the presence of a mother duck waddling down the sidewalk outside our window. It wasn't even a minute after Tom said, "she probably has a nest near here" that she "ducked" under the bush right outside our window and plopped down on a big furry nest. The people at the table next to us also watched her settle in and move the eggs around in the nest, uncovering them just enough to let us see that there were at least 7-8 eggs. We all broke into lively chatter about the duck nesting outside the restaurant.

My present from Tom this year was a very special surprise! I now have fancy lights on my bright red Yamaha VStar that change color. They will show up best at night, so one of these evenings when the weather is finally warm, you might see me cruising around the neighborhood on my "night-rider". 

While I was spending my day doing what I love to do, my mind was mulling over the past 52 years of my life. What have I learned about life that I want to keep for the next 50 years? What would my proverbs be?

Here are my thoughts—in no special order.

• Goals are only handles, not molds.

• You can change anything about yourself if you first change your mind.

• You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to if you'll commit to spending 30 minutes a day on it.

• There will come a day when your dreams take more work than you could have ever imagined. When that day comes, you'll know you are officially on your way to achieving them.

• "Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your produce. Then your barns will be filled with plenty and your vat bursting with wine." Proverbs 3:9-10. And you will likely have a ton of work to do. Don't let that take you by surprise.

• Prayer will be your life-support. Don't ever pull that plug.

• The work required of you when you pursue your dream is never going to end. So learn to embrace the work of the real as much as you embraced the love of the ideal.

• You never need to stay who you were. Decide who you want to be before you get there, and you will become that person.

• Five minutes spent doing what you love is like a blink of the eye. Five minutes spent doing what you hate is like forever. Since life is filled with many five-minute increments, make sure you blink often.

• Once a week, allow yourself a day to turn off your phone, your computer, and any other gizmos. Go for a walk. Take snapshots of the scenery with your heart and mind. Don't post them anywhere—not on Facebook, not on Instagram. One day a week, look at life without the lens of social media so you can remember what it's like to "just be".

Directionally Challenged?

I don't mind being directionally challenged when it comes to road travel, but I don't want to miss it when it comes to finding my way on the roads that really matter. On this week's podcast episode we did an exercise called spiritual mapping. 

"It's not what happens that determines your life future—it's what you DO about what happens. The same wind blows on us all—the difference in arrival is not the blowing of the wind but the set of the sail. If you wish to, it's possible to make the next three years better than the last three."— Jim Rohn

Spiritual mapping helps us correct the errors of the past and pick up new disciplines for the future.

I confess I'm directionally challenged. I sigh when my GPS tells me to head North West. I have no idea which way that is. I often still travel with a printed map. I have too much I want to accomplish to waste time getting off track.

Apparently, the armed forces take it rather seriously if you are directionally challenged. According to the Urban Dictionary, "One reason (aside from instilling discipline) that the armed forces emphasize close-order drill in the training of recruits is to weed out the directionally challenged as someone who is such will tend to do poorly on the battlefield and may even jeopardize the lives of his or her fellow soldiers, sailors, or fellow fliers."

How about you? 

Perhaps you're more like my husband who has a great sense of direction. When we're on our motorcycles I follow him because I trust him. However, one time he led us astray and to this day we aren't sure what happened. We ended up near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania instead of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania (about a 3-hour difference). Since he rarely ever leads us wrong we are still baffled as to what happened. If we could go back and figure out where we went wrong, I'm sure we would avoid that mistake the next time. Our first mistake was that we didn't have a printed map with us. 

So What is Spiritual Mapping?

Spiritual mapping involves listing significant events in your life that are of a spiritual nature. They can involve people, things, and places.  As you take note of pivotal moments, based on the various decades of your life; childhood, teens, college, 20's, 30's, 40's, etc., you can start to identify patterns. 

Why Does it Matter?

In my case, I can see some patterns that have become more distinct thanks to the mapping process. I knew they were there but they became even more apparent after further reflection.

For instance, I'm a perfectionist, but not in the typical sense. It shows up most in the way I think God should be intervening in my life. I think He should orchestrate a perfect life for me. The big Wizard of Oz in the sky. Just being honest! 

Since I've been learning that about myself, I have started to change my thinking about things that don't always go the way I hoped. My faith is based less and less on what I see that's visible and more in the One who seems invisible but is actually very present. I'm finding that as I grow older, I can look back and see where God really was working. 

That's the joy of mapping out the history of your life. It can improve your future because it keeps you from spinning your wheels by repeating the same mistakes over and over.

I live in a much better place these days as it relates to joy and peace. 
Less anxiety. 
Less fear. 
Deeper trust. 

I'm enjoying this new sense of direction and feel less directionally challenged spiritually.  

How about you? Here's an exercise to get you started:

1) Find a quiet place and carve out a couple of hours.
2) Take several blank sheets of paper.
3) Draw a timeline from 0 to your present age with space allowed for each decade.
4) Make notes in each decade listing significant events in your life as they come to mind.
5) Identify common denominators between the events.
6) If you want to, try it with a friend and let them help you observe patterns.
7) End with a time of prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to show you things you might be missing.

If you want to hear more, you can tune in to this week's podcast here. Episode # 42.

The Power of One

One phone call—the doctor told her she had skin cancer.

One phone call—their son told them he was in jail for first-degree murder.

One phone call—her husband's secret girlfriend called to make her aware of the affair.

One accident—he plowed into the back of a semi.

One phone call—and I had hope again.

One friend—and I ceased feeling alone.

It's a pattern I've been noticing now that we're into our tenth month of weekly podcasts. It feels like almost every story we capture can point back to one phone call, one accident, one traumatic moment that took people where they weren't intending to go. But it also eventually leads to one new idea, a new job or a new book.

I've been thinking about the power of one—in a positive way. I've had the seed idea for a song for a couple of years and I'm trying to get back to a schedule that allows for daily songwriting. It's not been an easy goal thanks to ONE big Christmas show I've been doing each year. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the show and what it stands for. I just wasn't prepared for how much it would upset my comfortable routine. I've gone from feeling like I could flow from week to week in a given year and now everything revolves around one huge event and everything else is fighting for attention. The very ONE thing that started my idea has created a multi-laned highway going many different directions simultaneously.

In my attempt to get back to writing blogs and songs, I pulled out the song I started two years ago. I really wanted it for last year's show in December, but I just couldn't get it to where it needed to be so I'm trying to get into writing again. As with most songs, it starts with my own experience and sparks an idea for a new song.

For instance, years ago, I walked into the auditorium of a very big church and felt completely alone, though it was filled with plenty of people. How can one person feel so lonely in the midst of a crowd I thought to myself. I almost got up to leave, it was so uncomfortable. Then a friend of mine surprised me and sat down beside me and my whole mood changed. Now I didn't care how many people were there. Her presence was all I needed to feel at home.

On another occasion, at one of the lowest points of my life, someone called me out of the blue and said,
"I don't know if this will make sense, but I feel like I'm supposed to tell you something".
I eagerly waited.
"Don't quit".
He had no idea that it was exactly what I needed to hear in that season of my life.

One person, one phone call.

It's the power of one.

He Holds My Hand (by guest author, Carol Kent)

Carol Kent - guest blogger/author

Have you ever been desperate to hear God’s voice? Has daily life ever felt so demanding you weren’t sure what to do next? Has your phone rung in the middle of the night with unexpected news about a loved one? Has the diagnosis from the doctor brought a sense of fear or unrest? Have you wanted an answer from God, but didn’t know where to turn?

I’ve been there.  When my son was arrested for a serious crime after I’d tried to be the best mother I could be, I felt alone. Angry. Hurt. Fearful. Disappointed in God. Those feelings intensified following his conviction and sentencing.  

Here’s what I began to learn.  I needed to give myself time to grieve my losses.  Maybe you’ve been there, too. I discovered it’s okay with God to cry out my pain and hurt.  Our tears matter to Him. 

Then I started communicating with God in a new way.  When life was intense or busy, it was hard to read an entire chapter of the Bible.  But I discovered I could read a verse or two.  I began meditating on those verses and praying, “Lord, what do you want to speak into my life as a result of this Scripture?”  Then I started writing out what I believed was His prayer over my life.  And it comforted me.  It was as if God took me by the hand, as a father would guide a child, and gently led me in the direction of unconditional love, renewed hope, and fresh faith.

I read Matthew 7:7-8:  Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  As I asked for His direction, I began to write:

        You’ve been stressed and anxious about future events.  There are work concerns and family issues, along with financial challenges. It’s hard to concentrate on what you have to do today, because you already know the week ahead is filled with impossible situations—and you’re not sure what you should do.  

Instead of worrying, talk to Me.  I love to respond to your requests.  Worrying about what hasn’t happened yet and about what might never happen is fruitless and only robs you of the strength you have today.  You will find Me if you look for Me, and I will provide all you need in perfect timing.  I am never 

late.

As I continued to listen to God’s voice through His Word, I wrote out 365 prayers based on Scripture for every day of the year.  I hope you’ll be encouraged through these devotions in He Holds My Hand (Tyndale).  Each day’s selection begins with a relevant quotation, followed by a prayer, and ends with a Scripture verse or passage. Listen to God’s voice and put your hand in His.  He is your Comforter, your Healer, your Teacher, and your Joy.  Whether life is good or unspeakably difficult, He holds your hand—and He won’t let go.

“I cling to You; Your strong right hand holds me securely.”  Psalm 63:8

Purchase Carol's new book here.

Bio:

Carol Kent is an international speaker and the bestselling author of When I Lay My Isaac Down and Becoming a Woman of Influence.  With vulnerable openness, irrepressible hope, restored joy, and a sense of humor, she directs you to choices based on God’s truth. She annually directs the Speak Up Conference, training Christians in speaking and writing skills. You can get information on her newest book, He Holds My Hand, or on inviting her to speak at your event at www.CarolKent.org.  Connect with Carol on Facebook at:  www.facebook.com/authorcarolkent and on Twitter at:  www.twitter.com/CarolKentSpeaks.