This morning there is steam rising from my cup and tears flowing down my face. I can't seem to stop the bouts of tears these days once they've started.
For months I've tried to be strong while moving my mother to a new room, hobble on crutches and plan a Christmas show. I have had to forfeit exercise and motorcycling - both things I love and that help keep me sane.
Saturday the dam broke. I found my mother with wet hair, sitting in her wheelchair wearing mismatched clothes and her shoes on the wrong feet. I was horrified. I took the necessary steps to notify whomever was in charge and let them know this was unacceptable.
You think a mama bear is nasty when her cubs are in danger......have you met a baby bear who's mama is in danger???? Just as scary, let me tell you, but this baby bear feels helpless to defend her mama. Of course, those in charge were very apologetic but my heart took a severe blow that I am still recovering from. It feels like Big Foot is stepping on my chest and I can't breathe. I felt this way when my father died. It's the familiar feeling of grief.
Tears poke a hole and let some air in so you can start to breathe again. The tears just keep falling.
But this morning, on the other side of Saturday, things are looking more positive as I look into changing her care, whether it be bringing her home to live with me or moving her closer to a facility where I can get there in 5 minutes, bring her home for dinner and take her with me on jaunts...just to have some kind of normalcy again.
I am about ready to have a cup of hot tea. The mint garden leaves are brewing now and their smell takes me back to the farm where we grew our own tea. Mother would serve it in a yellow teapot that has a cracked lid, which none of us want to part with.
It's more than just tea. A dear friend grew it in her garden and a few weeks ago I went to get some from her to grow in my own garden. I took my mother along so she could get out and see a garden again. That was one of her favorite things to do and she was good at it. We all stood and talked about life and soil. My mother soaked it all in as she sat there with us.
When I drink this tea this morning, it will remind me of that morning with my friends, my mother and my home growing up. The hot tea is like a warm blanket in my soul as I grasp the cup with my hands. My heart seems to need a lot of comfort these days as I walk through this aging process with my mother.
It's not just a cup of tea anymore.
My lips will sip and my heart will drink.