Oops - I Hit the Easter Bunny.

Last week I mentioned that I was going to blog about getting rid of 50 things before I turn 50. I'm still working away at my list and I will write more about that soon. It's a very interesting process! But something happened on Sunday that caused me to take a rabbit trail this week and I decided to write about my experience.

This past Easter Sunday I hit a rabbit when I was on my way to the gym for a workout before heading to the church to finalize everything for our special Easter services. Some people said I hit the Easter bunny. I don't know for sure, but if you didn't get any candy, it could be my fault. Sorry.

I love to workout on Sunday mornings for two reasons:

a) The gym is EMPTY!  I have it all to myself.
b) It energizes me for the rehearsals and services that lay ahead.

It was still dark and before I could blink, the rabbit darted toward my van. I just kept going. No swerving, no ducking and no crying. Though I did gasp.

It darted back to the side of the road and then back out again. THUMP.  No more Easter bunny.

Instantly, my mind flashed back to an episode I had many years ago where I had a different encounter with a rabbit and was in such a bad state I just wanted to die.

That day, my heart was pounding because I swerved to miss the rabbit and almost hit a semi head on. The bigger problem was that I didn't care if I died. In fact, I secretly wished that I would. I was struggling with severe depression.

I remember thinking to myself, "if I don't swerve, I will hit the rabbit. But if I do swerve, my life could be over."  In a split second I had a decision to make. My life or the rabbit.

I love animals and I go into great emotional distress if I hit one on the road so I usually swerve like crazy to miss! But when I realized that I actually didn't care if the semi hit me and ended my life, I knew that the depression had plunged to an alarming depth. I had become so hopeless that death seemed like the only relief in sight.

Then, logic kicked in and I swerved to miss the bunny AND the truck.

Though I certainly don't relish killing the rabbit this past Sunday, I want to celebrate an obvious sign of progress in my life.  I chose my safety and life over the bunny's this time. I love my life now. I feel so different on the inside, it's as if I'm a different person. It didn't happen overnight, but I appreciate all that I've learned in the process.

Are there days when I still get down? Absolutely! But it's very different than depression. Because of that alarming experience years ago, (and other similar experiences) I paid attention to the warning signs.  I began taking some serious steps to get help and I'm so glad I did.

Here are some tips I learned along the way:

1) Listen to your family.

If they keep telling you that you need help, they are probably right. They know you and love you. Don't write them off.

2) Go get help. Professional help.

Call a friend (if you have to) and ask them to go with you to see a counselor.

3) Pay attention to the advice of the counselor.

Counseling only does good if you listen and apply their recommendations. And give it time!

4) Pray a lot!

Even when you feel like no one is listening. Keep praying, seeking and asking. God is working in ways you can't even imagine and He is working for your good.  It might take a lot of hard work, but it will be worth it.

I remember wishing I could just take a pill and feel better, or better yet, have God zap me and instantly be better.  There are times when He does a miracle and I've experienced some of those times, but for the most part, it seems like we have to walk the hard road and dig deep. But we can come out of the pit with new awareness and tools that help us start walking in healing and wholeness.
It's a lot like training the physical body. You have to keep working at it. You can't expect significant changes overnight.

Yep - I hit the Easter bunny. And though I mourn his loss, I celebrate my own life and healing. On Sunday I sang a solo with the choir :

"It's still the cross

 it's still the blood of Calvary that cleanses sin 

and sets the captive free"

by Mike Harland, Luke Garrett, Buddy Mullins, and Niles Borop

....and I sang it from the bottom of my heart.

He still sets the captives free and I'm one of those that has lived to tell it.

Never By Accident

I watched her fingers tremble as she pressed the strings against the wood, but they weren't trembling from nerves.  They were adding the rich vibrato that makes the cello sing.  Combined with her bow techniques, her poise and confidence, the little black notes on the page jumped off and brought my weary soul back to life.  Even the 'rests' were part of the moments.

I asked her if I could sit beside her and watch her play.  Her music has always touched me deep down in my soul and often makes me emotional.  When we play together, it becomes even more powerful.

How can inanimate objects like wood strung with catgut melt a person's heart? Like water that changes the shape of a hard rock over years of time.  Only my heart melts within just a few measures. A few seconds.

As I sat and beheld this amazing player on her well-worn instrument, I got new inspiration. The page she was playing from was written with piano and choir in mind.  It wasn't just for cello. Without the other members of the music performance, it would have sounded incomplete, albeit beautiful.  But it was written to go with other parts.

One page. That's all she had.  She couldn't see anything else. No choir music, no piano accompaniment.  Just her part. She had to trust that what she had would fit into the whole.

You might feel as if you are a tuba in a spa, but believe me, there is a spot for the tuba.  It adds incredible rich bass tones in the context of the whole. The gifts you have, the special wiring you came with, have a purpose and a place.

If everyone plays their individual part to the best of their ability, when it all comes together it will sound amazing, but you have to trust the person who wrote the arrangement.  You have to trust that he knew what all the other players would be doing and how your part fits in context.

Focus. Trust.  Faith.

I first wrote the piano piece called "Never By Accident" from a few simple notes. It happened by accident. But my producer wanted to add other players to what I originally thought would be a solo piano piece.  I couldn't quite catch his vision until the piece was completed.

I changed the original title from "By Accident" to the new name: "Never By Accident".  It was too beautiful to be an accident and it was now going on my CD.

You were not an accident.  You, like the piano in this song, are meant to be part of a bigger piece.

You are beautiful.  Don't shy away from letting yourself become part of something larger than you.

You weren't meant to play alone.

You were never an accident.

Settled or Unsettled?

It's the week of Easter and I've been asked to sing a solo with the choir. 

Musically, it's very simple.  But the words are very, very difficult for me.

Here's the first verse:

How I love to read
the book you wrote for me
you loved the world so much
you gave your son
written there in crimson
you told me I'm forgiven
it is done
it is done

I relate to those words.  

It's the lyrics of the chorus that I find a little 'unsettling':

So if you never speak another word of blessing
and the silence leaves me with a sense of loss
I'll remember when my heart begins to question
any doubt that you love me was settled at the cross

By Phil Mehrens & Lyn Rowell Lee Black

When I sing a song I take the delivery of the lyrics just as seriously as the delivery of the musical notes.

When I can't reach some of the notes, I work at it.  I practice it over and over.  I approach it from various angles and techniques until I find something that works.  I use the tools from my toolbox that I've accumulated over the years from various vocal coaches.  

But when the lyrics are hard to live, that's another story. A different set of tools  are required.

I think these songwriters must have a much stronger faith than I.  To promise that "I'll remember God's love for me if he NEVER speaks another word of blessing and when that kind of silence leaves me with a sense of loss," is quite a commitment.  I don't know about you, but there are so many times when I still doubt God's love for me.  

As I've been rehearsing this song, I've been letting the challenge of it sink deep into my soul.  Like Paul said in Philippians 3:13-14; "Brothers and sisters, as I said, I know I have not arrived; but there’s one thing I am doing: I’m leaving my old life behind, putting everything on the line for this mission. I am sprinting toward the only goal that counts: to cross the line, to win the prize, and to hear God’s call to resurrection life found exclusively in Jesus the Anointed." The Voice.

I relate.  I haven't yet arrived at the point where I can say ....if you NEVER speak another word of blessing..I'll be ok.  But I'm aiming for that.  I want to have such strong faith that I never doubt the power of the cross in my life. This is a walk of faith.  

When my husband gives me his word about something - I never have to question him on it.  There are times I need reassurance, but I've learned over time that I can count on his word to me.  Any doubt is usually because of my own insecurities - not his lapse in commitment to follow through.

I need to be that way with God.  I thrive on hearing from God.  His voice is my life-source.  If I think he's not speaking to me, I stop and ask him why, just to make sure I haven't closed my ears in some way, because I believe he delights in talking to us.

This song takes everything to another level.  It's Easter.  I want to have the kind of faith that really believes it was all settled at the cross, even when I am unsettled.