Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What Would You Do?

I was only 7 when we got word from our Pastor that my
oldest brother was killed in a tractor accident on a farm hours
north of our farm.  They didn't know exactly what happened,
but found him pinned underneath the tractor and wagon at the
bottom of a cliff in a riverbed.  He had been unloading
rocks over the cliff.

Something must have gone wrong.

Our family took a small airplane to Northern PA for the funeral,
navigated by my other brother, Adriel.  I faintly remember that trip.

In a few weeks I'll be providing music for 2 sweetheart banquets
about 3 hours from where I live....and yep, you guessed it, I'll be near
that farm where my brother died.

I had an interesting e-mail today in relation to these bookings.
Apparently the secretary of one of the churches lives on the farm
where my brother was killed years ago.

She has extended an invitation to come and see the farm
and see where the accident happened while I'm there ministering
in the area.

I answered her fairly quickly because of course I'd like to see the farm!

Or do I?

I find that as the day goes on I feel nervous about visiting the site.
After all, I was just a little girl and that was such a long time ago,
yet the loss of a loved one never really leaves you.

You feel their absence at family get togethers.  Your heart flutters
with delight when you meet someone who knew them and tells you
more about them that you didn't know.  They are always with you.

You look at their grandchildren and wonder if they look like their grandpa
did at that age.

I am excited and nervous about this.  I'm afraid of my emotions.
Maybe I'll be fine.  Maybe I'll want to cry and be alone.  Maybe I'll learn
more that will give hope and courage in the face of tragedies like the one
right now in Haiti.

I don't handle tragedies very well to be honest.  Maybe that's why I write
a lot of songs about death.  Never realized I wrote so many until my
producer listened to all I was writing when we began working on
"Inside Things"and pointed this out to me.  I guess it helps me process it.

If you had this opportunity, what would you do?  Would you
visit the scene of the accident of a deceased loved one?

Meet Tia.
My brother's oldest grandaughter.