Back to the Heart of Christmas

I hear myself singing a familiar song, in the middle of the night, in my dreams. I'm singing the lyrics to the popular song, "Have a holly jolly Christmas..." but you wouldn't recognize it because the melody is different than the one you're used to. In my dream, I've turned the happy melody into something more melancholy.

I feel as if that's kind of become my brand in my "awake" life—my unwanted brand. I take happy things and make them sad. Or at least point out the sad. I guess it makes sense to do it in my dreams too.

I suddenly wake up, the melody and lyrics fresh on my mind. Was I really dreaming? I get up to write down my ideas. It's rather unusual for me to be singing in my dreams. Maybe this is something special so I better pay attention.

I usually go to the piano when I hear a melody and lyric, but since my piano is next door in my studio and it's the middle of the night, I dig through the drawer looking for a piece of paper. 

I scribble my ideas on a piece of paper, drawing little lines that go up and down across the page representing the melody so that I'll remember it in the morning. As it turns out, when I revisit the idea, it's the harmony I have actually noted. 

I start to finish the song a few days after the dream...(at least I thought I finished it) Here's one of the early drafts:

Have a holly jolly Christmas

you can hear the music play

but as time goes on, on and on 

Christmas doesn't look the same each year

I go wandering 'round in a circular world 

that doesn't know where to end

in the midst of the lights

twinkling bright

where do you belong, Jesus?

Show me the way back to the heart of Christmas

help me to see all that you meant it to be

I want to see you

I want to know you better

show me the way, show me the way to You

All the family now is gathered

they have come from far and near

but the pain inside cannot hide

Christmas has its disappointing times

in the back of our minds

mem'ries there to remind

things are not as you wish

and in the midst of the tears

shed through the years, you wonder

where do I belong, Jesus? (Chorus)

Bridge:

Christmas is meant to be joyful

Christmas is meant to bring peace

but just like the story of so long ago

where things don't turn out just right

Children lose their lives

royal men still lie

and families run for their life (A husband baby and wife)

still this prayer I offer you tonight

Show me the way....

I take this song to my manager (as well as many other Christmas songs I am writing) and his critique is consistent with what I've heard before. "Even your funny songs have an intensity to them," he says, in reference to a non-holiday song I wrote called "Personalities." Sigh. 

I've asked for constructive critique because I want to improve as a songwriter. So now I have to receive it, right? 

I thought you might enjoy seeing my notes I wrote after he listened to that early draft of Back to the Heart of Christmas.

I love the part where he asks, "Who's the kids getting killed?"

Or the part where he says the bridge is too l long and introduces a whole new line of thought. I see what he means once he points it out. A bridge should simply carry us from one thought to another without building a whole new road. It should take us over the water, not muddy it. 

In the broader story of the Nativity, other babies died, a King lied and the parents of Jesus had to run for their lives. So in this case, I felt the bridge in the song could help remind us all that life isn't perfect, especially at Christmas. Sad is mixed in with happy. Just like parts of the broader Christmas story. But in my desire to "set the world straight" I tend to try to say too much. 

I've had to learn to stay focused on the one thing the song is about and not try to solve all the problems of life in just three minutes. 

It took me decades to understand my own yearning for perfect holidays. To discover that much of it was tied to the fact that we didn't have perfect holidays as a family. We were not a complete unit. We had lost people along the way and it was extra hard at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Just as my disheartened soul went through some healing and mindset shifts about the holidays, coupled with a better self-awareness of why I struggled with the holidays, the song also evolved. I changed the verses and I wrote a much simpler bridge...

Help me to be like a child at heart

open my life to your love

setting aside the distractions of life

that keep me from the greatest gift of all

Of course, in my case, the distractions were grief and loneliness. They come in all shapes and sizes.

I started sharing the song (the re-written version) with audiences at Christmas events. Many times people would ask if I had a recording of that song. I knew that was a good sign. 

All of these years later, after putting it on the album and keeping it in the annual show and doing it over and over, I still feel the magic every time I sing it. The chorus lyrics were never changed from the original lyrics probably because they said all that I really wanted to say from the beginning.

 

 This week's video.

Lions, Tigers and Uh Ohs...

I knew that I'd face some extra challenges this year when I sat down to plan Portraits of White because of COVID 19.  I was hoping that by December the pandemic would be a thing of the past. As we all know, it's not. 

So in addition to the regular lions, tigers and bears I usually encounter as we get close to the show, I've had to face a new monster this year. 

I decided to approach it with a little bit of humor...

This week's video:

Cues and Shoes

 "Are you ready for Thanksgiving yet?" the young cashier asks the shopper a few cash registers over from me. 

"Yes," the customer replies confidently.

I try to mind my own business as I pay for my groceries. It's not my conversation but I somehow feel like it could be. 

It's only November 5, I think to myself.

The determined cashier continues. "Well then, are you ready for Christmas?" It feels to me as if she's now trying to one-up the shopper.

"I don't do Christmas—too many expectations," the customer says, loud enough that everyone can hear her. I try to keep my head down and resist making eye contact.

Secretly, I admire her and I smile to myself. She isn't rude or obnoxious, but she clearly lets us know (because we're all listening aren't we?) where she lands when it comes to Christmas. And now it feels as if it's a public conversation.

I decide in that moment to turn around and look at the person who is being interrogated, as if to let her know that I acknowledge her and can appreciate the position she's just been put in. Someone needs to acknowledge her discomfort...at least with a nod or a smile. 

We all get it. Whether it's expectations, loneliness, grief, lack of money or time, weariness in coming up with what to get someone, dread of dragging out all of the decorations, we all have buttons that get pushed during the holidays or in this case, the weeks leading up to the holidays.

I stand there feeling conflicted. While I feel sorry for the customer, I also appreciate that the cashier is just trying to be engaging. Sometimes we ask questions just to be friendly. They aren't good questions, or timed well, but we ask anyway. Perhaps that's what's happening here.

When I turn to see if I can catch the eye of the disgruntled lady, to acknowledge her strong feelings, I'm a little surprised. Her hair is done perfectly, make up looks great. She's quite beautiful for Friday afternoon grocery shopping. I don't know what I am expecting to see but she looks very put together (talk about expectations.) I expect her to look...disheveled...old...something...I don't know...  

She is giving me a gift. She is giving me courage...hope. A small dose of encouragement reminding me of why I do Portraits of White. I need some of this kind of medicine at this point in the marathon.

In fact, as I get ready to post this week's video, I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to change it, throw it out,  re-do it because I am letting you see me when I'm not feeling very organized. And this was before the grocery store drama. Her honesty gives me the courage to keep the video "as-is."

I've called this week's post Cues and Shoes because one of the stressful parts of doing the show is figuring out the lighting cues. I know, you're probably thinking to yourself...REALLY? Our world has been turned upside down and you're stressing over lights?

Then there are the shoes. Somehow I was born without a hint of an arch in both feet and I have giant-sized bunions—much like my mother had. It's always been hard to find pretty yet comfortable shoes for the stage, and it only seems to get worse with age. 

One year after the show, my feet hurt so bad I couldn't walk out to greet everyone. I finally figured out it was just easier if I went without shoes, so I walked out in the lobby, shoeless and it felt wonderful.

In the scheme of things, the shoes are a small part of the stress, but every little bit adds up, as you know.  And though I don't actually run the lights during the show, I have to make sure that those who do are well prepared for every little detail. Spot on Doug, spot on Wayne, Frances at the piano, Frances in the center, George on timpani, Tim on a stool, trumpet feature.....Frances tripping over her dress. Oh I hope not! LOL! 

Similar to all of these show details, the expectations that come with the holidays can start with tiny things but when combined, they can add up to stress. Where to spend the holidays...when to have the dinner...what to serve for dinner...what gift to buy....And some people, like the shopper lady have decided they just don't "do" the holidays anymore.  

Then there's the lingering pandemic. We're all weary of what this has done to our lives. I see the strain on your faces as I'm out doing concerts. I read your notes that tell me of the crises you are facing personally. My heart breaks for you. 

 I don't know who that lady at the grocery store is, but thanks to her outburst, I found the courage to keep running this last leg of the race of Portraits of White. I know it will be worth it. I've been preparing, practicing, pondering, stressing...all of it. But I'm ready for December 10 and 12.  

I can't wait to see you and finish this Christmas show marathon with you by my side. (Even if I end it in my bare feet.) 

This week's video.

Cattywampus Portraits of White

I've answered all kinds of Portraits of White fan questions this summer. This one made me feel furry, fuzzy and a bit...well...cattywampus.

"Do you ever consider using dogs or cats in Portraits of White?"

Just to be sure, I looked up the word cattywampus. I believe it fits this week's video purrrrrfectly.

Definition - askew, awry, kitty-corner. Cattywampus is a variant of catawampus, another example of grand 19th century American slang. In addition to “askew” catawampus may refer to “an imaginary fierce wild animal,” or may mean “savage, destructive.”

My cats would like you to paws for a moment of fun and watch THEIR video.

This week's video.

Do you have your tickets to the show yet? Click here to reserve yours.

Brand New Me # 132 Not Just a Show

As a songwriter, I set my life to music. I paint my songs like portraits. They become particular expressions of who I am, or who I have been along the way. These songs organize themselves around a particular theme with later becomes a CD project. I love to share these with an audience in a concert setting because it becomes much more like a conversation. And that is what makes Portraits of White more than just a show!

Check out this episode!

Brand New Me # 131 Do You Get Paid?

Do your wages determine your value?

What if you invest in a dream but don't get paid very much? Would you still do it? Should you do it?

This week's podcast comes from the answer to a Portraits of White fan question: "Do you make enough from Portraits of White to pay yourself?"

 

Check out this episode!

Do You Get Paid?

 "Do you make enough from Portraits of White to pay yourself?" Another great question from a fan.

The simple answer is not yet, but I hope to. 

But there's always more to the story than just a simple answer, right? 

When I first started Portraits of White, I was doing 50 - 100 events per year, working at a church part time and writing/recording albums. I had to be organized and make good use of every moment I had. I suppose it was good preparation for starting a big Christmas event.

Portraits of White took my music career on a path filled with higher mountains, lower valleys, roller coaster twists and horseshoe turns emotionally and financially. It challenged my faith, musicianship, tenacity and endurance. I've learned a lot about myself, show production, business, marketing, and realistic goal setting, for starters.

But why not just tell you more about it in this week's video?

Do you have your tickets to the show yet? If not, visit PortraitsofWhite.com here.

Brand New Me # 130 Ideas Are Your Friends

"There's nothing so powerful as an idea who's time has come." — Jim Rohn

 

Sometimes ideas can feel like little mosquitos who are pesky and want a place to land and suck your blood. At least, that’s how I feel some days. I can’t possibly carry out all of the ideas that pop into my mind or give them a place to live. BUT….in the end, ideas can be our friends. We just have to learn how to nurture, prioritize and categorize them. 

 

When you see Portraits of White, you'll be witnessing the power of an idea. 

 

A snowy day led to the idea for the title song, Portraits of White.

 

One single manger scene in a Christmas shop in 1999 sparked the idea for the song Take Another Look. 

 

That song took me down a path of "skipping Christmas" that year so I could pay attention to the holiday sadness I often felt in December. 

 

Skipping Christmas opened up space for me to start expressing my feelings through songwriting. 

 

Those seeds of songs started me thinking about doing a Christmas album.

 

The album provided more ideas - how about a show where we "hear" and "see" the music?

 

It came to pass in 2014 and it will again this year! Do you have your tickets to see this show yet? 

 

Here are 5 steps that Jim Rohn suggests for turning nothing into something:

 

1) Start with ideas and imagination - they aren't tangible, but they are almost real.

 

2) Believe that what you imagine is possible for you. 

 

Two types of testimonials can provide inspiration for us:

"If I can do it, you can do it." (Someone else's story)

"If I did it once, I can do it again." (Our own story)

 

3) Go to work and make it real - make it tangible.

 

4) It takes the disciplined activity to make it reality.

 

5) Appreciate the discipline it takes to follow through and see it happen.

Check out this episode!

Ideas Are Your Friends

"There's nothing so powerful as an idea who's time has come." — Jim Rohn

Sometimes ideas can feel like little mosquitos who are pesky and want a place to land and suck your blood. At least, that’s how I feel some days. I can’t possibly carry out all of the ideas that pop into my mind or give them a place to live. BUT….in the end, ideas can be our friends. We just have to learn how to nurture, prioritize and categorize them. 

When you see Portraits of White, you'll be witnessing the power of an idea. 

A snowy day led to the idea for the title song, Portraits of White.

One single manger scene in a Christmas shop in 1999 sparked the idea for the song Take Another Look. 

That song took me down a path of "skipping Christmas" that year so I could pay attention to the holiday sadness I often felt in December. 

Skipping Christmas opened up space for me to start expressing my feelings through songwriting. 

Those seeds of songs started me thinking about doing a Christmas album.

The album provided more ideas - how about a show where we "hear" and "see" the music?

It came to pass in 2014 and it will again this year! Do you have your tickets to see this show yet? 

Here are 5 steps that Jim Rohn suggests for turning nothing into something:

1) Start with ideas and imagination - they aren't tangible, but they are almost real.

2) Believe that what you imagine is possible for you. 

Two types of testimonials can provide inspiration for us:

"If I can do it, you can do it." (Someone else's story)

"If I did it once, I can do it again." (Our own story)

3) Go to work and make it real - make it tangible.

4) It takes the disciplined activity to make it reality.

5) Appreciate the discipline it takes to follow through and see it happen.

Buy your tickets HERE.

 

Brand New Me # 129 What Inspires You?

What inspires you? How can you turn that into creativity?

Frances answers the question from a Portraits of White fan; "What inspires you to create?" 

Do you have to "feel" inspired to write a song or create something?

 

Check out this episode!

What Inspires You?

"What inspires you to create? What inspires you, not just your music, but your life?" 

This question makes me wonder. Do we have to be "inspired" to create? 

I started out my songwriting journey writing solely by inspiration. I'd hear lyrics and melodies in my head. All I had to do was sit down at the piano and follow their lead. They always seemed to lead somewhere. Based on that experience, I was convinced that it was best to just wait for the inspiration.

One time I heard one of my favorite songwriters say that they wait for inspiration. They never write unless they first hear a phrase or lyric in their mind. That seemed very magical and spiritual. 

Then I attended a songwriting workshop where the leader said we write by inspiration AND perspiration. "Nah," I thought to myself. "Why would I bother making myself sweat to write when I can wait to feel inspired?"

Then I heard about the non-profit organization called Songs of Love. They were looking for songwriters to write and produce songs for children and teens with a lifetime disability or terminal illness. Something nudged me to audition.

When I found out that I was accepted as a songwriter, I was thrilled and anxious to get started. Until I got my first profile. "Now I HAVE to come up with a fully produced song within 25 days," I said to myself while feeling a sudden sense of panic. What if inspiration doesn't strike? Oops....

Remembering that songs are basically a combination of elements: lyrics, notes, rhythms, etc., I started to focus on the task. I played with the rhythm and sound of the child's name. How could I creatively use it in a song?  

Aha! I had a chorus idea. Then I started in on the verses. Next thing I knew, I had a song. I felt extremely inspired.

I've been writing for Songs of Love for over 17 years now and I can say that I'm no longer convinced I need to wait for inspiration. It sure would be nice to feel something special every time I want to write, but I've discovered that creative juices can get flowing just by starting.

One of my songwriting heroes, Robert Sterling says "As dull as it sounds, songwriters find their ideas and inspiration hiding in mundane, everyday things and places—in resources available to anyone willing to pay attention. Those same resources are all around you every day, and they fall into two general categories: reading and listening."

Back to the original question... What inspires you to create? 

I decided to take a different approach for answering this week's fan question. I was pretty sure that if I'd sit down and take the time to reflect on the songs I've written, I could probably always trace their start to a specific event, phrase or moment.

So over the weekend I sat down and listed the song titles from my albums. Beside the song title, I wrote a short phrase that describes the spark that started the song. You'll see that some ideas were just simple, every day events or words, like Robert suggests. They didn't come dressed up in sparkles like some kind of fancy genie who pops out of a bottle when you make a wish. Oh if only!! But all it took was a spark and inspiration soon followed.

I hope this will inspire you to pay close attention to the things you hear, see and feel! You never know when creativity is waiting right around the corner.

Big sister flies away (Big Blue Sky)

Vocal exercise (From My Heart)

Digging in my garden (Master Gardener)

Wilted flower garden (Rain)

Y2K (Just When You Think)

Sunday sermon (Living Fire)

Feel like I'm always fighting another battle (God is Able)

Racine (The Memory of You)

Husband shoveling snow (Moments)

A discouraged friend (Who You Are)

The word "turn" (Turn and Look in His Eyes)

Youth missions - camp sermon (Love Me)

Moment of overwhelming peace (Sometimes)

Bad news (Be Joyful)

Family finances (The Bottom of Grace)

Doubts (I Still Believe)

Faulty synthesizer (Never By Accident)

Family farm auction (Bidder on the Heart)

Making a career decision (Wrong Thing)

Flashy female speaker (Personalities)

Watching a friend's life change (Free From the Inside Out)

Spontaneous Spirit jingle (He Can)

Pussy willow tree on childhood farm (Innocence is Good)

Visiting my father's grave (Someone Else's Shoes)

The harp and the bowl sermon (In the Hand of the Lord)

Cat looking out the window (Shatter the Glass)

Blooming lilacs (Missin' You)

Tragic accident (I Can Pray)

Phone call from my brother (Pond Beside the Barn)

Teenage slumber party (Wonderfully Created)

100 year church celebration (I Know God)

Radio show (Miracles)

Radios in India (One Small Box)

Playful piano (Joy to the World)

Snow drifts (Portraits of White)

List from pre-school mom (MOPS)

One night I had a dream (Back to the Heart of Christmas)

Writing challenge from producer (Ride in the Sleigh)

Church drama (You With Me)

A Christmas shop (Take Another Look)

Facebook comment (Hope Walked In)

Figure skating (Brand New Me)

I'm feeling free (Feels Good to be Free)

David & Goliath (Who Do You Think You Are?)

Drum beats (Out of the Box)

Misunderstanding (Don't Quit)

Motorcycles (It's All About the Ride)

Serenade song for church staff (Blessing Song)

This week's video.

What makes your heart pump?

 "What is your favorite thing about Portraits of White? What really gets your heart pumping?"

Oh THIS was a fun question to answer!

This video says it all.

Brand New Me # 128 It Feels Good to Be Free

When do you feel the most free? What is your safe place? Is there hope when it comes to freedom of the soul?

This week's Portraits of White fan question made me start thinking about life in general. I've been reflecting on the journey toward a "Brand New Me" and how it brought me to a new place of freedom. The question was: "What is your favorite part of Portraits of White? What really gets your heart pumping?" 

I definitely love to play the piano and that's my favorite part...but beyond that, I love feeling free. It's taken a lifetime, but I feel like I've moved from feeling free on the piano bench to feeling free in other areas of my life.

I can tell you that no matter what you're facing today, you can walk in freedom. Don't give up!

 

Check out this episode!

Brand New Me # 127 More Religious?

"Do you ever consider making Portraits of White more religious?"

Now that's a very thought-provoking question. My answer in this week's podcast episode might surprise you!

Check out this episode!

More Religious?

What makes you feel like something is religious? Is it something you feel, see, taste or refrain from tasting? Is it something you wear? 

When you feel like you've had a religious experience, what were your surroundings? Nature? Cement?  People? Music? Silence?

You must be wondering where I'm going with this. This week's Portraits of White fan question was very thought-provoking. I've been chewing on it all summer.  

"Do you ever consider making Portraits of White more religious?"

I remember the first time I experienced someone who was obviously NOT religious—at least, not in the way I was raised.

I am 20 years old and I am working at Domino's Pizza as a delivery driver in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, just outside the city of Tulsa. I am attending a two year Bible School program and need a job to help support myself for the next two years. 

It's a fun job! In the winter, I do donuts in the parking lot in my little blue Mazda, when it snows. I eat plenty of great pizza—between deliveries, of course. I probably won't stay at this job for long because it just doesn't make sense (or cents) with the wear and tear on my car. But it's all I can find for now. Not only will I learn the geography of Broken Arrow, I'm' about to be introduced to the "world."

My boss's language was, well...let's just say it was quite colorful. Though the words that I heard coming out of his mouth shocked me, I could tell that it was more than just his words that were different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I remember thinking to myself, "I thought you could tell if someone was religious by what they are wearing, but now I think I see that there's more to it than just what you can see about someone."

I had been raised in a very sheltered atmosphere at home, church and school. I was never aloud to say filler words like, "rats" or "darn."  It just wasn't proper or godly. I tried saying "rats" a few times, but my mother always scolded me. I didn't like rats anyway, so it was no big deal to stop using the word.

As I grew into womanhood, I made sure I "looked" the part of being a religious person because it was easy to meet the standards. I knew clearly where the lines were. Well, mostly. I was never sure how long the dress should be, or whether I should wear my hair up or down. I just wanted to be perfect and loved. We certainly didn't accessorize, though for some reason, a simple decorative pin might be ok from time to time. I didn't really question the standards. I did what was recommended. I even tried to do above and beyond the expectations, just to be sure.

I certainly tried to make sure my heart was good too. It took me a long time to understand that there is so much more to living a God-life than the things you can see, taste, wear or say. In fact, some of the toughest times in my adult years came from conversations with my mother. She saw the world in black and white and sometimes I wanted to add some color—to my lips and my eyes. I liked fancy outfits and hair. 

In Oklahoma, I began to understand that I viewed God in black and white. It makes sense since that's how I grew up. But, He was rather hard to please, in my opinion. I couldn't have said this specifically back then because I was very busy and studious about trying to be perfect. I had always tried be perfect for Him, so He would love me. 

It's taken me years to untangle myself from some of that thinking and to understand who God really is. I don't have Him figured out yet and I'm old enough to know now that I never will. So I try to live with a much more open hand and heart, extending grace and compassion to others. I even wish I could meet my first "worldly" boss from Domino's. I'd like a chance to understand his journey and what was really going on inside his heart, beyond his words. Instead of such quick deduction about him, I wish I could have taken the time to actually get to know him.

So back to Portraits of White. What would make it "feel" like a more religious program? Do I ever consider making it more religious? I just don't know what "more religious" would look like. 

I write songs about my life. Snow. Sleigh rides. Miracles. God. Christmas. Loneliness. Death. I honestly don't know how to compartmentalize my life. It's all mixed into one big pot. All I know to do is offer up what is currently going on in my heart and life each year. I start with a blank page at the beginning of the planning stage and start writing according to what I sense I want to do in my heart. Everything I say, sing and write is an overflow of my heart. 

So you're likely going to hear some sad songs and happy songs. You'll probably laugh a little and might even cry. I want you to walk away feeling alive and inspired. I want you to know that some of the feelings you might experience during the holidays are normal and you're not alone. 

I prefer to offer my gift and my heart to you. If you walk away feeling as if you've had a religious experience, I would be thrilled. But only you can know what that means for you.

This week's video.

If I Weren't the One in Charge

"Planning a Christmas show sounds like fun. I don't see how that can be called WORK!" 

That's what my dental hygienist said to me as I tried to get comfortable in the dentist chair. Are the words comfortable and dentist chair compatible?  It was time to finish up my crown but I wasn't feeling very royal. After all, in a few moments, they'd be shooting my gums with novocaine and I'd be laying flat on my back with dental tools forced into my mouth. Plus, because of COVID, they would be framing my face with a plastic trampoline-like gizmo for protection from all the flying stuff. Man oh man. Where does it end?

I don't know about your dentist office, but where I go they always ask what I'll be doing the rest of the day. I suppose it provides distraction. I usually say something about practicing the piano or planning a Christmas show. But since no one ever seems to know what to say in response to that, especially when it's January or July, I decided to say something generic. "I'll be heading in to work," I said.

The young, new hygienist wasn't buying the generic answer. She wanted to know what I actually DO at my work. It was only July, but I was in the thick of planning my December Portraits of White concert. So I gave in and told her that's what I'd be doing. Which led to her comment...."Planning a Christmas show sounds like fun. I don't see how that can be called WORK!" 

I smiled and went along with her. Because, truth be told, it IS delightful to dream up a big show and make it happen....in theory. When I started to explain the process; budget spreadsheets, venue details, ticket prices, sponsorship letters, hiring musicians, designing postcards, posters, website updates, creating music arrangements, etc., she became quite engaged and expressed genuine interest in the show. 

"My mother and sister would love it," she said. I put on my marketing hat and encouraged her to definitely make it a girls' night out.

I should go back to the office, stop in for a quick hello and give her a postcard, now that I have something to show for my work. 

Portraits of White 2021 postcard front

Postcard back

I've heard it before: "It must be so much fun to plan a Christmas show." I try to respond with a resounding "YES, it IS!" 

So the question I intend to answer from a fan this week is an interesting contrast to the perception that it's fun. It shows that this fan understands that there are mountains to climb, streams to ford and rainbows to follow when you're "living the dream." 

The question was, "What do you like least about Portraits of White?" It really is a funny question. You'd think that when you're living the dream you wouldn't have anything to dislike about it. 

In a nutshell, I've had to learn to wear many hats. I remember when a publicist once said to me, "You have to think like a marketer and take off your artist hat." They were right.

As a songwriter, it seemed most appropriate to change the lyrics of the song "If I Only Had a Brain" in the Wizard of Oz to "If I Weren't the One in Charge" to answer this question honestly. So I put on my songwriting hat.

I’d be tanning in Orlando
playing jazz piano
A self-discovered star
I’m sure I’d be famous
and delivered from insaneness
If I weren’t the one in charge

Perhaps I’d make more money
Now wouldn’t that be yummy
I’d need a bodyguard
I’d probably own an island
I’d be rich like Barbara Streisand
If I weren’t the one in charge

Oh I could close the shop at five
Or spend the day at my chateau
I could figure out a way to make it snow
Then show up late for my own show

Oh I wouldn’t have to juggle
The Portraits of White puzzle
Or practice the guitar
I’d sleep through the morning

But my life would be SO boring
If I weren’t the one in charge

This week's video.

Facing the Spooks

"Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning Portraits of White?" What a great set of questions from a fan!

How about this for an answer?

I am mindlessly sticking my hand in the peanut chocolate M&M bag and stuffing my mouth with various colors of the delightful candy. I don't know when I started developing such a fondness for these little temptations. My husband and I ration them out. If Tom gets five, I get five. We even try to keep the colors the same in each pile.

Somehow, over the past year, we've departed from that tradition. I'm probably the one to blame for this lack of equality in distribution. On this particular day, to which I'm currently referring, I am actually eating this candy without even realizing it. Doesn't matter what color or how many...I just eat.

In frustration, I sit down on the green chair in my living room to take a moment and reflect on why I'm doing this, again. I know the pattern. Something about my life feels out of control so I do something that I can control. I turn to food. I eat. It's the only area where I feel as if I am "in control"—which is quite self-delusional. Yet, somehow, I believe it's true. I can control what I put into my mouth. But in this moment, I eat uncontrollably. You probably know the feeling. 

I talk myself through it and remind myself that it's Portraits of White season. Things get kind of stressful right about now and sort of "spooky" (in keeping with the Wizard of Oz theme). This year, it's a little above and beyond the normal spookiness because of COVID. Like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz when he sees the big owls with glowing eyes in the haunted forest, I want to run the opposite direction. The Tin Man and Scarecrow have to literally pick him up, turn him around and carry him. I could use some "carrying" right about now.

There are a lot of things that can make me want to turn back. It can be the tiniest thing, but usually it's a combo. The music arrangements are pouring into my email box. I'm trying to organize all of the parts for the musicians, suggest changes to the arrangers, check the notations, create demos, memorize songs, practice the piano, keep my voice in shape, stay away from colds and viruses, think about how to make the whole show cohesive and meaningful... I'm also trying to follow up with businesses regarding sponsorships. Are they willing to support the show again this year? How much? If so, can they send in their logo/ad soon so we have it in time to print the programs?

By December, I'll be fine. It's just this in-between stage that can be rough. So, if one M&M equals one spook, perhaps eating them one by one is the answer. Or not.

Back to the original questions. "Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning?" Normally, I'd say it's SNOW that's my biggest worry.

This year, you can add COVID to the list of concerns.

When it comes to facing fears, I think you can break "spooks" into two general categories:

1) Inside things (Your soul)

I have found that some of my biggest fears are actually within me. I've done a ton of soul-work around my inside fears and it's paying off. I love the growth I've experienced because I've paid attention to them. 

I used to try and stuff my fears, or just ignore them completely. Doing something as courageous as putting on a Christmas show brought me face to face with some of my biggest fears, like fear of rejection. I found myself afraid that people wouldn't come. Duh. We started in 2014 and people have been coming EVERY year. 

An even bigger challenge in the beginning had to do with facing intimidation. Questions like, "who do you think you are?" would wake me up in the middle of the night.

These days, I find that facing these fears head on works better than stuffing and ignoring. And oh, by the way, I've learned that as soon as I deal with one fear, there will be another one that pops up. It's the nature of being a dreamer. Your heart knows what it wants to do, but your brain simply freaks out. 

The other spook category has to do with:

2) Outside things (The circumstances)

In this category, there are circumstances that are absolutely beyond my control and unfortunately, they can really raise quite a ruckus in my brain.

Things like...the WEATHER! Snow. Ice. Blizzards.

Or...

Pandemic. CDC restrictions. 

Here are a few steps I take to help me deal with the inside and outside spooks:

• Identify the fear. (What am I afraid of, specifically?)
• Say it out loud. (There's just something powerful about naming it, out loud.)
• I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? (If my fear would come true, what would that look like?)
• Could I be ok with that? (This can seem like you're giving in, but personally, I have found the greatest peace comes when I release control and choose to be ok with whatever the outcome might be.)

Do you remember the phrase, "Let not your heart be troubled?" It always reminds me that heart trouble is a choice. At least, this kind of heart trouble. Ouch. That's challenging, isn't it? However, I believe that like anything else, it just takes practice. Sometimes I just have to say, "heart, we're not going to be troubled about this!" 

Using techniques such as praying, journalling, singing, quietness, reflection and confession can all be effective in facing the spooks. It's also nice if you have some friends who can pick you up and carry you through the spooky places.

This week's video.

YOU Are My Friends on the Yellow Brick Road

For most of my career, I viewed myself as a musician—in the music business. In the past few years, I've changed my mind. Or at least made room for a broader perspective. As a songwriter, I don't just write and perform music. I help give voice to what others might be feeling but find themselves unable (or afraid) to express it. There is an exchange that happens between artist and fan. It's a beautiful thing. I no longer see myself as just a musician in the music business. I believe I'm in the people business.

My live music producer planted this seed years ago when he challenged my thinking about why musicians get nervous when performing. "The enemy of love is self-consciousness," he said. What he was saying was resonating with me. 

If a person really analyzes why they get nervous (about anything they might do in front of people) it's usually because you're afraid of what others will think. Therefore, you are focused on how you feel and not on how the audience (or the other person) might be feeling.  

It's taken years for this to take hold in my life, but it has happened! I feel the difference. I rarely get nervous anymore and if I do, I start thinking about YOU. I ask myself some questions about you. Things like: What frame of mind will you be in? What will you have just experienced at home? Will you have just received a life-changing phone call? What are you carrying in your soul these days? What are your current struggles?

It works every time. If I start to feel nervous, I change my mind. I stop thinking about me and I start thinking about you.

In fact, I started to find that if I talk to my audience one on one before a concert, I actually feel at complete peace when I get on stage because we've already connected on a personal level. It's very satisfying.

As the Director of Worship at various churches for sixteen years, I started practicing this concept of one on one interaction before and after the services I directed. It was challenging at times because I had a lot of responsibility on the platform that I needed to focus on, but the more I took time to interact with people, the more my confidence (and ease) grew. Now, when someone tells me I'm an extrovert, I smile because I know a secret. I'm actually an introvert, but I've learned to love my audience in practical ways, which leads some people to think I'm an extrovert.

When a Portraits of White fan asked "What is the most rewarding part of doing Portraits of White," it didn't take me long to come up with an answer. Sure, I love practicing and I love the first note of the concert when you, the audience, are seated and we are ready for the train to leave the station. We're off to see the wizard and we've locked arms. You are my friends on the yellow brick road for the next couple of hours. That's definitely a special part of doing the show.

I also love the last note of the evening, because at this point, I know my dream has become reality and nothing has stopped it. I will make my way out to the lobby to greet as many of you as I can. I'll soak in your smiles, tears, laughter and comments. I've prepared an evening of inspirational music and you've blessed me by coming. We've exchanged Christmas gifts and I feel happy. 

In this week's video, I "sang" my answer to the fan question—to the tune of "My Favorite Things" by Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II. 

"Lots of musicians and long rows of people
Spotlights and snowflakes
and moments of giggles
Lacy white dresses and eighty-eight keys
These are a few of my favorite things

Seeing your faces after it's over
Reading your emails and handwritten letters
Knowing the joy all the music will bring
These are a few of my favorite things"

This week's video:

Are You Rusty?

 "You don't need to practice do you?"  

It feels more like a statement than a question and it comes from a laborer who has spent years perfecting his craft in woodworking and fixing up kitchens. We stand in the middle of my kitchen as he works and he's curious about the fact that I'm preparing for a Christmas show in the middle of June.

I stand there, wondering how to explain something that seems like it should be common sense. Isn't that like assuming an athlete doesn't need to consistently exercise? Or asking the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz why he needs oil? 

But, I think to myself, perhaps people who don't play instruments really think that musicians don't have to practice. So I try to explain that there is more to practicing than just "running through a song." Keeping my fingers agile, my brain sharp and my vocal chords strong are only a part of the drill.

"How much time do you put into practicing?" Now that's an easier question to answer and it came from another Portraits of White fan. 

The short answer is "as much time as possible." I usually try to set aside a few hours each day to practice. I shut off my electronics and dig in. I find that a few hours of concentrated, uninterrupted practice time is better than trying to "fit it in" between all of the other tasks that go with running a business. Practice is oil that prevents rustiness. Even just a little bit of time, consistently, on a daily basis can help keep anyone keep their skill set sharp, no matter what life-work you've chosen. For a musician, practicing is key. Pun intended.

One of my core values is well-being, in all areas of my life.

Practice — musical health

Exercise — physical

Journalling/Writing — emotional 

Praying/Reading — spiritual

Listening to positive messages — mental

Conversation — relational

What about your life? Do you know what keeps you running smoothly physically, mentally, spiritually? 

This week's video.

The Chicken or the Egg?

We had chickens on our farm and I don't ever remember having trouble deciding which came first...the chicken or the egg. It was obvious to me. The peeps came first. 

My mother and I would drive the very curvy and hilly Pennsylvania back roads to a little poultry farm near us and pick up boxes of peeps. They'd "peep" all the way home. The sound was comforting to me. Then we'd unload the boxes of the little yellow fuzzy balls into our chicken house. My mother, along with our apricot poodle, Angie, and I would sit in the chicken house and watch them for hours.  It's one of my favorite memories from childhood.

What do chickens and eggs have to do with Portraits of White, you ask? 

It's what popped into my mind when I read this week's fan question. It's really one of those "chicken or egg" questions.

"Do you pick the musicians and then select the songs and arrangements around those musicians? Or do you select the music arrangements and then find the musicians to fit your needs? 

Thanks to Doug Cook, Eastman School of Music alumni [Performer's Certificate]—one of the star players of Portraits of White, I can select just about any arrangement I want, because we have such great musicians to draw from. Doug was the first person I approached about playing in my "orchestra" and his musical network consisted of pro musicians throughout South Central Pennsylvania. Since he knew that I wanted to put together an orchestra, he made a very special offer. 

"Would you like me to be the music contractor for your Christmas show?" 

At the time, I didn't know what a gift Doug was giving me when he offered to do this. I knew anyone he chose would be amazing, so I immediately said, "yes!"

I first met Doug when I was asked to serve as Director of Worship at a local church on a temporary basis. I wanted to continue my path of songwriting and concert ministry, so I said that I'd help as much as I could for a few months. In the end, I ended up taking the permanent position because it was such a joy to serve.  Over that same time, Doug Cook was invited to be the choir director at the same church. 

After years of working with him, I learned that he was a jazz musician. I had heard that he was a very talented musician, but he never mentioned it and I never got to really see what he was capable of when he was directing the choir. Then I heard him play with the Buzz Jones Big Band. I could see (and hear) that he was in his sweet spot when he played his saxophone.

His wife, Amy Cook, is also a professional musician. She is a fabulous cellist and from the very first moment I played piano with her, it felt like we were musical sisters. It was such a delight to work with this husband and wife team in church ministry. Doug and Amy were extremely talented and dependable. 

Amy Cook - Portraits of White 2017

When I decided to pursue my idea of the Christmas show with an orchestra, Doug and Amy were the first people I asked to be part of the show. And this is when Doug offered to contract the needed musicians. 

Doug & Amy Cook - Portraits of White 2015

Doug "blew everyone away" the very first year of Portraits of White with his saxophone solo. Most of us didn't really know how talented he was until he picked up his horn on stage! He's been a crowd favorite ever since. 

Doug Cook - Portraits of White 2017

Once I learned the ropes of hiring musicians and began building my own relationships with the professional musicians, I began doing the contracting myself, along with the help of Ed Kee, the previous conductor of the show. Being from Nashville, Ed had a solid music business history and mentored me. Between Doug and Ed, I had wonderful mentors.

Ed Kee - Portraits of White 2017

So on to the audience question for this week...

"Do you pick the musicians and then select the songs and arrangements around those musicians? Or do you select the music arrangements and then find the musicians to fit your needs?"

Like I said earlier, that sort of feels like a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg?" question. But it's an easy answer. The first year, we knew we wanted to produce the music from my Portraits of White album, live, on stage. So we figured out what we'd need instrumentally and then hired the needed musicians—all within a budget, of course. We started small the first year and then kept adding more players over the next several years.

Once we began assembling a quality group of professional musicians from South Central Pennsylvania, I could choose any music I wanted, knowing I had a group of players who could play anything with short notice. Many of them play in local symphonies or have traveled as pro musicians. 

There are really only two things that are limiting about the show....the budget and time. Fortunately, when it comes to selecting music, I can be very creative because of the top-notch musicians we have in Portraits of White.

This week's video.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road Part 2

"How do you pick the songs?" 

That's such a great question from another Portraits of White fan. In order to answer that, you need to know about a pivotal point in my music journey in 2004, long before Portraits of White existed.

I'm sitting in Franklin, Tennessee at The Factory. It's my first time in Nashville and I'm eager to learn. I'm here because my record producer [Keith] moved from Pennsylvania to Nashville so he could help music artists. In fact, the night before he and his family packed up the U-haul and hit the road, we finished recording my vocals. Not only did their belongings move to Nashville, I felt like my music career had just moved with them, leaving me behind. I was sure my recording days were over. After all, with the talent that swarms Nashville, why would he want to work with me ever again?

Keith had been such a blessing in my life as the producer of I Still Believe (my 3rd album). He had a passion to find more ways to help the music artists he was working with, so he relocated to Music City. Within six months of moving to Tennessee, he put together an amazing conference of speakers and resources for musicians. Now, here I am at the conference, in the front row, note pad ready. My cup is turned upward, waiting to be filled.

All kinds of speakers, producers, publicists, songwriters, coaches, etc., are there, filling us with incredible inspiration, wisdom and resources. This is the conference where I will meet my future producer, Eric Copeland, as well as find a manager. It's a pivotal point in my music journey. I can feel it. The water is stirring.

Eric Copeland discussing Brand New Me photo shoot.

It is through these connections that I will eventually meet Ed Kee, the original conductor of Portraits of White, who will help me launch my big dream. Of course, I don't know that yet.

Ed Kee, Conductor 2014-2018
Tom Jackson, Live Music Producer
Portraits of White 2015

But of all the amazing information I take in at the conference, the most significant life-changing moment happens when Tom Jackson, Live Music Producer, steps out on the stage. 

"Your audience doesn't come to just hear you sing or play, they come to experience moments", he says. 

He has my full attention.

"There are three reasons people go to concerts", he continues.

• To be captured and engaged. 
• To experience moments. 
• To be changed.

Please tell me more, Tom.

I can't decide whether to take notes or just sit and absorb. Everything he is saying is resonating with me like nothing else I'd ever heard. In all my years of various music lessons on multiple instruments, no one has talked about this angle of performing—at least not that I recall. I sit on the edge of my seat as Tom takes us deeper. 

"Songs create moments. When you create many different moments in your night, people will come back to your merch table and ask for a song by its name or by something they remember about the song. But what they are really asking is... "Where is that song that made me cry? Where is the song that made me laugh? Where is the song that gave me chills?" In other words, "Where is the song that made me feel that way...because I want to feel that way again." —Tom Jackson, Live Music Method

I have experienced this many times at my table after a concert. A perfect example is my song, Never by Accident. After I tell the story and play the song, inevitably someone will come up to me and ask, "Where's the accident song?" I smile and point the way to the CD, or iTunes. It doesn't matter that they can't remember the exact title. They just know that they want THAT song. They felt something while they were listening and they want to take the feeling home with them.

I love hearing people's homemade titles of my songs—it's like they give me a gift; their own interpretation of the song.

One of the greatest compliments I've ever received came on a survey I sent out after Portraits of White one year. "I laughed, I cried, I sang and I left wanting more."

Mingling with fans after Portraits of White 2015

My yellow brick road is paved with songs. Each song is a brick on the journey to the Emerald City. Each song creates some kind of moments. And with those moments in mind, that's how I choose the songs. I look for different moments. I try to make sure the concert road contains all of the elements needed to pave the way for a great show. That's my yellow brick road.

Speaking of roads...it seems appropriate to end this post with a journal entry I wrote on my trip home from the Nashville conference in 2004.

"I'm on the plane heading home after the CIA Summit (Christian Independant Artists). I don't even know where to begin. This weekend was another "God thing." A pivotal point in my life. When will I ever learn that when God seems to bring a season to an end, it only means that down the road something better will come along and you'll look back at what you left behind (and though you're thankful for what you had) you realize that letting go was the absolute best thing! Everything builds on everything else. It all counts, but if you cling to the present season and resist letting go, you'll miss out on bigger opportunities. 

Just when it felt like I got cut off from my only chance at getting out of Newville, all heaven has broken loose for me. I met SO many great people this weekend.  Producers, evaluators, speakers and other artists who are doing what I do. I know I have a great problem—not how will I ever find anyone else to work with, but which great one should I pursue? 

I learned so much about loving your audience, getting bookings, performing with more passion, giving more to others and finding joy and fulfillment in what I'm doing.

I can feel things stirring in my spirit. I know good things are ahead. I also know that I've needed tools to help me take things to the next level." — Frances Drost, March 7, 2004 Journal

This week's video.