Facing the Spooks

"Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning Portraits of White?" What a great set of questions from a fan!

How about this for an answer?

I am mindlessly sticking my hand in the peanut chocolate M&M bag and stuffing my mouth with various colors of the delightful candy. I don't know when I started developing such a fondness for these little temptations. My husband and I ration them out. If Tom gets five, I get five. We even try to keep the colors the same in each pile.

Somehow, over the past year, we've departed from that tradition. I'm probably the one to blame for this lack of equality in distribution. On this particular day, to which I'm currently referring, I am actually eating this candy without even realizing it. Doesn't matter what color or how many...I just eat.

In frustration, I sit down on the green chair in my living room to take a moment and reflect on why I'm doing this, again. I know the pattern. Something about my life feels out of control so I do something that I can control. I turn to food. I eat. It's the only area where I feel as if I am "in control"—which is quite self-delusional. Yet, somehow, I believe it's true. I can control what I put into my mouth. But in this moment, I eat uncontrollably. You probably know the feeling. 

I talk myself through it and remind myself that it's Portraits of White season. Things get kind of stressful right about now and sort of "spooky" (in keeping with the Wizard of Oz theme). This year, it's a little above and beyond the normal spookiness because of COVID. Like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz when he sees the big owls with glowing eyes in the haunted forest, I want to run the opposite direction. The Tin Man and Scarecrow have to literally pick him up, turn him around and carry him. I could use some "carrying" right about now.

There are a lot of things that can make me want to turn back. It can be the tiniest thing, but usually it's a combo. The music arrangements are pouring into my email box. I'm trying to organize all of the parts for the musicians, suggest changes to the arrangers, check the notations, create demos, memorize songs, practice the piano, keep my voice in shape, stay away from colds and viruses, think about how to make the whole show cohesive and meaningful... I'm also trying to follow up with businesses regarding sponsorships. Are they willing to support the show again this year? How much? If so, can they send in their logo/ad soon so we have it in time to print the programs?

By December, I'll be fine. It's just this in-between stage that can be rough. So, if one M&M equals one spook, perhaps eating them one by one is the answer. Or not.

Back to the original questions. "Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning?" Normally, I'd say it's SNOW that's my biggest worry.

This year, you can add COVID to the list of concerns.

When it comes to facing fears, I think you can break "spooks" into two general categories:

1) Inside things (Your soul)

I have found that some of my biggest fears are actually within me. I've done a ton of soul-work around my inside fears and it's paying off. I love the growth I've experienced because I've paid attention to them. 

I used to try and stuff my fears, or just ignore them completely. Doing something as courageous as putting on a Christmas show brought me face to face with some of my biggest fears, like fear of rejection. I found myself afraid that people wouldn't come. Duh. We started in 2014 and people have been coming EVERY year. 

An even bigger challenge in the beginning had to do with facing intimidation. Questions like, "who do you think you are?" would wake me up in the middle of the night.

These days, I find that facing these fears head on works better than stuffing and ignoring. And oh, by the way, I've learned that as soon as I deal with one fear, there will be another one that pops up. It's the nature of being a dreamer. Your heart knows what it wants to do, but your brain simply freaks out. 

The other spook category has to do with:

2) Outside things (The circumstances)

In this category, there are circumstances that are absolutely beyond my control and unfortunately, they can really raise quite a ruckus in my brain.

Things like...the WEATHER! Snow. Ice. Blizzards.

Or...

Pandemic. CDC restrictions. 

Here are a few steps I take to help me deal with the inside and outside spooks:

• Identify the fear. (What am I afraid of, specifically?)
• Say it out loud. (There's just something powerful about naming it, out loud.)
• I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? (If my fear would come true, what would that look like?)
• Could I be ok with that? (This can seem like you're giving in, but personally, I have found the greatest peace comes when I release control and choose to be ok with whatever the outcome might be.)

Do you remember the phrase, "Let not your heart be troubled?" It always reminds me that heart trouble is a choice. At least, this kind of heart trouble. Ouch. That's challenging, isn't it? However, I believe that like anything else, it just takes practice. Sometimes I just have to say, "heart, we're not going to be troubled about this!" 

Using techniques such as praying, journalling, singing, quietness, reflection and confession can all be effective in facing the spooks. It's also nice if you have some friends who can pick you up and carry you through the spooky places.

This week's video.

The Second Half of the Story

"You know the material, you've just mis-applied it". 

I traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to Tennessee just to hear that??? 

Working with Live Music Producer, Tom Jackson.

I couldn't believe what he was saying to me. I had studied his material for over ten years and was sure I had a handle on it.

I guess I must have been visibly shaken (I know I was on the inside) because he began to spend the next hour encouraging me, but it didn't seem to penetrate my disappointed soul. 

I remember a similar feeling when I was in high school and thought I did really well on my math test only to find out I failed it. But this was much more important to me than a math test!

For over ten years I studied Tom Jackson's methods for live performance.  I bought his tapes, DVDs, signed up for his seminars and studied with his assistants. When he started writing a blog, I read that. I'd drive to my concerts while listening to his teaching just to keep his wisdom fresh in my mind and soul. I began to see pre-concert nervousness and anxiety disappear as I applied his techniques.

Many performers usually have multiple layers of fears. At the bottom of all our anxiety lies a fear that no one will like us. The next layer comes from fear that if we don't perform perfectly, we are a failure.  We think about the perfect notes, trills, pitches and how we are perceived and rarely ever think about the audience and what they might be feeling and thinking.  As I've begun to focus more on my audience and less on me everywhere I go, I have gone from being nervous to having complete peace before each event, thanks to Tom.

So when I finally got to work with Live Music Producer, Tom Jackson, over a year ago, I was pretty sure that we could skip the basics, cut right to the intricate details and really cover some deep territory because I already had a handle on his basic methods. Boy, was I ever wrong. But that's the first half of the story.

I learned a lot more as I spent the rest of the afternoon working with Tom, but I never fully recovered from feeling like I was a failure. I probably mis-applied his encouragement too. He told me that I knew more than about 90% of the artists out there because of my diligent study, but by then, I couldn't seem to hear that part.

Last week, in my blog post, I shared a very big answer to prayer. The answer was having Tom come to my Portraits of White concert last weekend to see me apply his methods....or at least try. 

Enjoying ice cream with Ed Kee (Conductor) and Tom Jackson after the concert.

Hearing the initial words from Tom was a wake up call for me because it called attention to an underlying feeling I've struggled with for years, but could never put my finger on, until he said "you've mis-applied the information." I realize now that it is a thread of fear stitched into the core of who I am, but thankfully, that thread is starting to come unraveled.

You see, I have a crippling fear when it comes to God. I am afraid I'll spend my whole life trying to please Him and then one day, He'll tell me "sorry, you mis-applied everything".  FAILURE.

I'm the kind of person who tries hard to do everything right. Just tell me how to be perfect and I'll give it my best shot.  I even apply this to my spiritual life. Just tell me how to act right so God will love me and I'll do it.

But there always seemed to be a low-grade fear inside. That fear was brought to the surface by an innocent conversation with Tom J. I never fully recovered from my first session with Tom. It hung over me like a faint wisp of smoke, clouding my vision AND my faith.

The morning of my Portraits of White concert, I was walking the grounds of Messiah College and pondering all that was unfolding. The fact that Tom was willing to come all the way to Pennsylvania and invest his time and wisdom in my life was a sort of redemption that I greatly needed.  He hadn't given up on me, in fact, he was coming to help me grow and improve. His words spoken almost two years ago were never meant to hurt or discourage. He was trying to help me. I knew that in my head, but my heart needed to feel it. His presence at my concert moved it 12 inches from my head to my heart.

The more I press in to understand God and allow Him to love me, the more He seems to stir up my bad streams of thought that affect every area of my life. He brings them to light and I'm learning that He does so, not to condemn me, but to lead me into greater freedom.

After the Portraits of White concert, I heard that Tom gave me a 10 out of 10 on my performance. Many people have asked me what he thought. My big sister apparently asked him (thanks big sister!) I know that he'll have some tips for me that will only make me better and I look forward to hearing them after the post-concert dust settles! I'm not afraid to hear what he has to say - even if I'm still mis-applying knowledge, because I know that he has my best interest at heart and over time, I will not only learn his techniques but learn how to apply them.

Having him come to my concert was a picture of God coming to my rescue to help me learn to apply His ways and thoughts to my life. He, after all, is the greatest producer there is.  He loves creativity and He loves a great show!

Just watch the lightening.

The sunsets.

The male cardinal.

I'm learning that even if I mis-apply knowledge, the Great Producer will come and sit with me and help me learn not only how to know Him better, but to apply His wisdom and become a better artist.

That's the second half of the story.

The Voices Inside Your Head

If you are a human, you come built with voices inside your head.  They can be as quiet as a passing thought or as loud as someone shouting at you. We either listen to them or we silence them.  They can be replaced with new voices or we can simply give in to the negative ones we seem to be born with.

I'm not sure when they actually materialize, but it seems like they can actually get louder as we get older. After all, as we age we accumulate more experiences that threaten to validate the voices of fear and doubt we've heard.

"You didn't lose weight the last time you tried. Why try again? It's hopeless."

"You know what happened when you spoke up the last time!"

"You are such a loser. You'll never be able to pull this off!"

I recently created a little video for a project I'm working on with RocketHub.  It was meant to be funny and when I posted it on Facebook, it was obvious that it did make people laugh.

The truth is, there really is a "dream killer" in my head. It announces it's presence at the strangest times.

If voices in your head had a face, they might look like this.....

Click here to 'see the voices' in your head.

Portraits of White is a very big dream and I've had plenty of experience fighting off voices in my head that haunt me with doubt and fear. It's a very expensive endeavor - and not just financially. It's an emotional investment as I make myself vulnerable to the public. "The Tip Jar" RocketHub campaign is one way to let others know what I'm up to and have a chance to contribute toward this BIG dream!

When I stand on the stage December 12, 2015 at 7:00 p.m. to begin the concert, you will know that the voices in my head have been conquered.

Here's a tip I use:

IGNORE THEM.

Everyone Needs A Set of These!

We all need them.

You can't grow in faith and courage without them.

I call them hearing aids. But not the kind you might be thinking of.

What kind of hearing aids?

They can come in the form of podcasts, audible books, paper books, mp3 players, movies, CDs and radio waves, etc.

They are tools that produce words that help us 'hear' better.

"So then, faith comes to us by hearing the Good News. And the Good News comes by someone preaching it." Romans 10:17 New Life Version.

What do you hear?

All day long I hear things.  Positive words.  Negative words.  They are inside me and also come from outside of me. Twenty minutes of listening to the news and I can instantly feel depressed, or elated. It depends on the message.

Over time, I'm learning how to tune into stations broadcasting words that bring faith and hope. I wish I could say that I don't need help with my thoughts and that my faith was always strong and steady. Truth is, I'm just not there yet, though I am improving.  I am learning how to choose what I will listen to, think on and ponder.  Both on the inside and from the outside.

Choosing good hearing aids.

It's easier to control my thoughts and feed my faith when I listen to uplifting things.  So I choose them often.  Music, podcasts, books...things that always leave me feeling like I CAN instead of I CAN'T.  Left to my own devices, I will tend toward thinking I CAN'T.  

So I'm not ashamed to say that I need hearing aids.  

When my Mother was being fitted for a pair of high-tech hearing aids, I was intrigued by the testing they did on her to find out what frequencies she couldn't hear.  Everyone is different.  Some lose ability to hear bass frequencies first. Others lose the mid-range.

Many people put off getting a set of hearing aids until they can't function in society anymore and realize they need assistance.  They miss out on so much because they won't admit they need help. But how many of us go through life emotionally or mentally deaf and wait until we are too far gone to get help for other kinds of hearing.

Everyone is different in the aid that they need.  Some tend more toward negative thoughts when it comes to fears.  Others have a deficit in the area of love or joy. 

Do you have ideas about leading a group of people toward healing from past relational issues?  Then listen to things that teach you about leadership and be inspired to lead others.

Do you need help getting your life organized?  Listen to books or podcasts that teach you how to manage your time.

Do you need an overall better outlook on life?  Listen to positive, upbeat music. Change the playlist until you find what feeds you!

If you would spend any amount of time with me, you would quickly learn that I am almost always listening to something.  I invest plenty of time in being quiet too, but when I'm exercising or driving or even working in the yard, I will be listening and learning.  It feeds my faith.  It helps me be a better leader.  It helps me dream and sustain those dreams.

It's my own tailored set of hearing aids.  

Want to grow in your faith?  You have to hear the right things!

Go get yourself some hearing aids.

"Seedy" Generosity

When I plant seeds, this is how I tend to sow:
Sparingly enough to get one flower.

But this is how I want to sow:

Generously enough to have plenty to give away.

I confess.

I'm greedy.

I hoard.

I'm afraid I won't have enough.

I don't know why.

I used to buy a pack of zinnia seeds and plant each little seed with care, trying not to drop any. None to spare. It's tedious!

Last year I saved the dead flowers because they contain seeds.  I ended up with so many seeds that this year I could have planted a field. Because I had so many to spare, I recklessly threw them across the ground knowing that even if only 1/4 of them come up, I'll have more than I need.

THAT was fun!

I was generous this year because I knew I had plenty to spare.

I was hoarding before because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough.

Therein lies the difference. How I view the source from which I give.

If I believe there is enough to go around, I give generously.

If I fear losing the little I have, I will never share.

There's a saying that always makes me stop and think. 

"I could give all that I have to feed the poor, I could surrender my body to be burned as a martyr, but if I do not live in love, I gain nothing by my selfless acts."  I Cor. 13:3 (The Voice)

That explains "seedy" generosity.  It looks great to others. But....it is tainted by fear, lack and obligation. Sharing it will only reap more fear, lack and obligation. It doesn't sprout from deep love. 

Father God, please change my heart. Let me see how much I have to share and give it away generously. Help me to stop being clouded by fear of the future. When I do give, please let it be from a deep reservoir of grace, mercy and abundance, not out of fear, lack and obligation.

Settled or Unsettled?

It's the week of Easter and I've been asked to sing a solo with the choir. 

Musically, it's very simple.  But the words are very, very difficult for me.

Here's the first verse:

How I love to read
the book you wrote for me
you loved the world so much
you gave your son
written there in crimson
you told me I'm forgiven
it is done
it is done

I relate to those words.  

It's the lyrics of the chorus that I find a little 'unsettling':

So if you never speak another word of blessing
and the silence leaves me with a sense of loss
I'll remember when my heart begins to question
any doubt that you love me was settled at the cross

By Phil Mehrens & Lyn Rowell Lee Black

When I sing a song I take the delivery of the lyrics just as seriously as the delivery of the musical notes.

When I can't reach some of the notes, I work at it.  I practice it over and over.  I approach it from various angles and techniques until I find something that works.  I use the tools from my toolbox that I've accumulated over the years from various vocal coaches.  

But when the lyrics are hard to live, that's another story. A different set of tools  are required.

I think these songwriters must have a much stronger faith than I.  To promise that "I'll remember God's love for me if he NEVER speaks another word of blessing and when that kind of silence leaves me with a sense of loss," is quite a commitment.  I don't know about you, but there are so many times when I still doubt God's love for me.  

As I've been rehearsing this song, I've been letting the challenge of it sink deep into my soul.  Like Paul said in Philippians 3:13-14; "Brothers and sisters, as I said, I know I have not arrived; but there’s one thing I am doing: I’m leaving my old life behind, putting everything on the line for this mission. I am sprinting toward the only goal that counts: to cross the line, to win the prize, and to hear God’s call to resurrection life found exclusively in Jesus the Anointed." The Voice.

I relate.  I haven't yet arrived at the point where I can say ....if you NEVER speak another word of blessing..I'll be ok.  But I'm aiming for that.  I want to have such strong faith that I never doubt the power of the cross in my life. This is a walk of faith.  

When my husband gives me his word about something - I never have to question him on it.  There are times I need reassurance, but I've learned over time that I can count on his word to me.  Any doubt is usually because of my own insecurities - not his lapse in commitment to follow through.

I need to be that way with God.  I thrive on hearing from God.  His voice is my life-source.  If I think he's not speaking to me, I stop and ask him why, just to make sure I haven't closed my ears in some way, because I believe he delights in talking to us.

This song takes everything to another level.  It's Easter.  I want to have the kind of faith that really believes it was all settled at the cross, even when I am unsettled.

Empty Shelves = Greater Prayer Lives?

Reflecting on the miracle journey of 2014

"Prosperity may dilute prayer too.  In my travels I have noticed that Christians in developing countries spend less time pondering the effectiveness of prayer and more time actually praying.  The wealthy rely on talent and resources to solve immediate problems, and insurance policies and retirement plans to secure the future.  We can hardly pray with sincerity, "Give us this day our daily bread" when the pantry is stocked with a month's supply of provisions." - Philip Yancey
(from his book: Prayer, Does It Make A Difference?)

My heart jumped for joy when I read this paragraph.  It's the first day of 2015 and since my husband is not feeling well we are just sitting in the living room resting and enjoying Pandora's classic lounge station.  A cloudless sky outside reveals the full sunlight and makes the room cheery, adding to the peacefulness.

I picked up Philip Yancey's book on prayer to start reading it just now.  Last year at this time I determined to grow in my prayer life and his book is one that I came upon months ago and decided to add to my growing collection of books on prayer.

After reading that paragraph I had to put the book down and write my thoughts.  I have seen the amazing power of prayer in my life this past year.  It really started in June when I decided to host a breakfast at a local restaurant and invite some fans to become part of my Portraits of White dream team.  I called them my vision team, but they have changed it to 'dream team'.  I like it.

I didn't have a pantry full of goods and provision to pursue this vision at the time.  A few hundred dollars in my checkbook and not too much more than that in my savings account either.  But I went ahead and stepped out in faith.  I had bathed this vision in prayer for months.  Now it was time to put it to a test.  I knew if I hosted this breakfast I would start something in motion that would be a complete walk of faith.  I did not have the 'resources in my pantry' to see this through to the end. Was I ready to jump in with both feet?

My first indication that this was going to be an amazing experience came in an e-mail from someone I had invited to attend the breakfast.  They were offering to pay for the cost of the group's breakfast. Another e-mail came a couple of days later with the same offer from someone else.  The day of the breakfast, a woman in the group got up to supposedly 'go to the bathroom' and as I later discovered, had inquired with the waitress as to how to go about paying for the group's breakfast, which by that time was already paid for.

This has proven to be my experience all the way through this past year.  A financial hurdle would arise and was then met with some kind of amazing provision that I didn't know would happen. Honestly, I could write a book on just this past year alone.

One of my prayers this past year was that I would have the concert paid for in full by the end of the year.  Today is January 1 and I am thrilled to report that the funds are there to pay the final bills. It won't leave much left over, but my faith has grown immensely through this journey and all I could say when I read Philip's paragraph was - "hey, though my food pantry is full, my pantry of resources to pursue a big dream was NOT full, but through prayer, hard work, miracles and supernatural means, all my needs have been met."  It would have been easier to just skip my dreams and live comfortably.

I don't ever want any kind of prosperity or deceptive comfort to keep me from stepping out. Sometimes the only way we can see God move is to take that step into the unknown. Is it safe? Nope. Is it tiring? Yep.  Do I feel alive?  Yes!

So here's my final question that I will ponder the rest of the day as I continue reading his book.  If God can do that with my finances, why can't He do it with everything else in my life?  In what other areas can I trust Him to do more than I possibly can?  Why limit it to financial?  Why not trust Him for physical healing MORE, for emotional freedom?  For deliverance from recurring fears and anxiety?

I intend to try.

Why not empty my 'shelves' of all my own prosperity and trust Him for greater things?  I think Philip Yancey is right.  Our own comfort and abilities keep us from that deep sense of need for rescue.  As a result, we don't pray.  We just keep on depending on ourselves.  I'd rather live on the edge.

Don't get me wrong.  I have days when it just looks too hard. It is NOT easy to live this way.  That's why I keep books like Philip's handy because they stir things in me.  They call to the deep in me and keep me on the edge, far away from comfort zones.

Now.........back to my book.

Philip Yancey's book

Fear: The Dream Monster (and how to get rid of it)

"Portraits of White" Begins

At 7:00 p.m. on December 6, 2014 I stepped out onto the stage with complete peace and confidence.  I was in my sweet spot and my whole being felt it.

Conductor, Ed Kee, and I run through last minute details before the concert.

At 4:00 p.m. on December 6, 2014, I was sitting in the bathroom with a serious case of diarrhea.  I rarely get nervous before a concert, but this was not a normal concert.  This was the birth of a dream I had been carrying for years.  I was suddenly struck with paralyzing fear.  I had 2 hours worth of lyrics, music notes and stories to remember and though I had been preparing for this for over a year, I wondered if my brain and physical body would hold up now that the moment had come.

I have already heard from a few people who have been encouraged to step out and pursue their own 'inklings' (or fight to keep them in some cases) as a result of my own story Saturday night.  I thought it might be helpful for you to know that pursuing what's in your heart will usually mean fighting to the very end.  Even up until the moment you step out on to the stage.

I fought my worst battles with fear when I first started dreaming this dream and right before I finished the dream.  Don't get me wrong, there were certainly moments of doubt and fear all along the way, but the worst came a week before the concert.  

Here's some of the thoughts I had to fight:

• You shouldn't be so honest in your stories - people will think you are weird - don't tell the truth. 
•  No one else struggles like you do. Keep it to yourself. Play it safe.          
• You can't do this.  It's going to bomb.                   
• You've taken on something that is too big for you. 
• What were you thinking?
• It'll be just your luck that a big snow storm will come and ruin it all.  You've been set up and it's all going to fail.

A friend kept checking in on me all week and when I began to tell her of my terrible battles with fear (especially in the night time) she asked me to name some of my fears so she could pray specifically for me.  Even before I told her anything, she had been sending me e-mails and notes in the mail speaking truth to me and encouraging me.  I don't know if I could have made it through without her prayers and words of truth.

It became very apparent to me that "Portraits of White" was not just another concert just by the sheer magnitude of the monster that started to raise its ugly head at the last moment.  It's as if it took one last swing at me to try and make me run the other way. I'm so glad I didn't run.  

The best way to slay the 'dream monster' is to keep going.....right smack toward it.  You might want to gather a few friends along the way to help you.  When you really start pressing in to becoming who you were created to be the battle will get FIERCE at times.  Don't give up.  Don't back down.  Rally your friends. Pray like crazy and hang on.

When you finally step into your 'sweet spot' it will feel absolutely amazing and worth every battle. The best part is, you will take others along with you and soon a big army will arise.  An army of people wanting to step out and do bigger things.  Greater things.  Things that could potentially change the world.

As I said in my concert:  "I would rather die trying to thrive, than live having just survived".  If you live this way, you will surely encounter the dream monster.  But you'll never feel more alive when the battle is over.

A nice way to end an amazing evening.  My long time husband and supporter surprises me on stage.

"What I've Learned From The Elephant Diet" Day # 155

Check out this episode!

"Performing Joy To The World at my first
Portraits of White concert."

It is time to retire the elephant diet blog.  The CDs have arrived and are selling.  I'm giving my 3rd Portraits Of White concert this coming Sunday and starting to think about the show next year.

To celebrate this completion, I decided to do a podcast episode that shares with you 5 things I've learned from this journey that I think will be good for you to know as you set out to accomplish goals and dreams that you have!  I'll highlight them here:

1.)  Doing one thing every day toward your goal goes a long way.  In fact, it causes you to reach your goal!  One e-mail, one phone call, one list of things you need to do - it all pays off!

2.)  There will be setbacks along the way!  Count on it.  (I share some of mine in the podcast).

3.)  You will have marathon days.  These are days you feel like you just can't keep going.  You've come too far to turn back and yet you are too tired to keep going.  Hang in there!

4.)  The transformation that takes place in your psyche is amazing and worth the journey.

Self-doubt
Fear
Joy
Confidence
Clarity
Lack of Confidence

These all shape you into a stronger person.

5.)  Others will be inspired by your perseverance.

When my new site is completed, it will be in a new blog format and will be much easier for interaction with my fans.  I'll let you know when it's finished and ready to go.

"The Elephant Diet" Day 128 Think About Your Audience

"Getting there I think.  Maybe you dial back in a bit more emotion in parts, but Phil will take care of that."  - Eric Copeland

That was the response I got yesterday from Eric about the new vocal approach I've been working on for the song "You With Me."  Well, hopefully Phil will help me nail it this week.  When I asked Eric about the last minute lyric changes, he just said "less is always more".  Now I just wait for word from Phil, but I might just have to wait until I get there Wednesday morning.  That's ok.  I like the changes and feel good about it.

As I write this, we are on our way home from North Carolina where we spent time this morning remembering my sister-in-law, Sue Drost, who passed away recently.  The family asked me to sing at the funeral and I squirmed at their request.  Have you ever attended something that sets off all kinds of land mines in your soul?  You avoid those events if at all possible?  No need to stir things up - just keep them buried.  Funerals do that for me and though I wanted to honor the family, I was so afraid I would be a muddled mess of emotions and I really prefer not to sing in those circumstances.

However, I put those preferences aside and said yes, for them.  As we got closer to the moment when I was to sing the beautiful song "You Raise Me Up" my fingers began to shake and my heart began to pound.  I haven't been that nervous in a very long time.  I began to analyze what was making me nervous while also paying attention to the tributes being given.  

I was afraid.  Afraid of my emotions getting out of control, afraid that I would cry and not be able to sing, or worse yet, try to sing in spite of tears and sing way off pitch and totally butcher the song.  Then I began analyzing why I hate funerals in the first place.  I've already been down that road so many times that I just decided to not even get on that bus.  

I tried to think of funny things like cats barfing, or dead dry grass that crunches under my feet when I go to get the mail at our mailbox.  I closed my eyes and pictured no one in the room and just me at the piano bearing my soul through the music. I prayed for peace and ability to press through.  I asked what's the worst that could happen.  Meanwhile, my husband leaned over and said "are you nervous"?  Dah.  Was it the earthquake in my hands or the bulging of my dress around my heart area that gave it away?  Maybe he could hear the pounding?

Finally, in desperation, I tried to recall what coach Tom Jackson would tell me.  Most of our fears come because we are so consumed with what others will think of us, which means we are self-focused.  

Guilty.  

"Think about your audience" Tom Jackson always says. 

Sue Drost and son, Derek

Ok.  So I began to think about the family and what they must be feeling.  I thought about all the friends that were present who could use some encouragement.  Sue Drost had touched many people's lives in her 4 1/2 year battle with cancer.  Apparently they had given her 6 months to live, but she decided to live life to the fullest in the time she had left and in the process, it was obvious she had touched many people very deeply.  I began to think of those people.  What about her son who is to be married in September?  What must it be like to lose your mom right before your wedding day?  The doctor who treated Sue came to the funeral.  It was the first cancer patient's funeral he had attended in 8 years of practice he said afterward.  With tears in his eyes, he said "Sue taught me how much cancer can break someone's heart and how cancer can make someone's heart stronger."  He was obviously touched by her life.

I began to breathe deep and exhale slowly.  I walked to the piano not knowing if Tom's advice would help.  I remembered singing at another funeral years ago where my tactics didn't help.  I had placed a comic strip on the piano beside my music to help me focus.  That didn't help.  I caught one glance of the mother who lost her 13 year old son and that was it.  I couldn't finish the song.  His name was Nathan, the name of my brother who drowned in our farm pond.

I sat down at the piano, began to touch the keys and when it came time to open my mouth, it worked.  No more shaking.  No more heart pounding.  Not one tear.   

Plenty of tears came later when we sang:

my chains are gone

I've been set free

my God, my Savior has ransomed me

and like a flood

His mercy reigns

unending love

amazing grace

.....and I let the tears flow freely.

Maybe there is a lesson there beyond musical performances.....perhaps many of our fears and nerves are rooted in being too self-focused.

Many people commented to me how much they had been touched by the song and how amazed they were that I was able to make it all the way through.  They have no idea the battle I had.  I told a few people it was a miracle.  And, it was.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 97 Fear or Trust?

Still trying to make a final decision about the show.  Fear is a stronghold right now.  A few thoughts about that.....

Inside Things:

When other people book me on their own initiative through word of mouth recommendations (which is how I get most of my bookings), that feels like a big stamp of approval.  But when I decide to initiate my own creative show and invite people to come, that takes everything to a new level - (I think that's one of the big things I face right now....the reckoning with the old voices that say it's vain to do this - I fought that same mind-set when I started singing my own songs instead of other people's).

Facts:

From what I have figured out so far, just to use the venue, hire a sound and light company, orchestra and conductor, will cost $12,000.00.  Ticket sales alone will not cover this, unless I charge an unmentionable amount for tickets, which I won't do!  That can chase anyone away from a dream if nothing else will.

A remedy?:

As I've taken a few days off from the elephant diet to step back and really examine it closely (plus catch up from traveling so much lately) I realized that fear is the final giant I must face.  However, yesterday, I read an article in a leadership magazine with a phrase that caught my eye and began to release me from the clutches of fear:  "The only remedy for fear is trust."  Jeff Manion - Leadership Journal.  

Is it time for me to trust the desires God has placed inside of me, trust the One who gave me this gift in the first place and trust that as I take one step at a time I will end up where I hoped and have a great journey in the process and touch people with hope around the holidays?

News:

Still getting caught up from being away in NY and CO....just paid sales tax for sales in CO and recorded my sales information in my files for accounting purposes.   

I've been doing music each night at a local church, after working at church all day...and preparing for a ladies' tea in Elizabethtown, PA this Saturday.  I'll be speaking and sharing music on the topic of "Working Out On the Inside Things"....one of my favorite subjects!  

I've been taking a break from blogging because of the busyness and feeling like any spare time I have right now should be used to spend time with my husband, even though it's very little time.  

I'm slowly working my way back into the groove of dieting....eating my elephant, that is.  

Took a few bites today:

...phone calls that will hopefully lead to contacts with HACC to see if their Student Assoc. will consider bringing me in as a guest artist (which could mean no charge for me to use their venue)

...researched more on-line about setting up ticket sales for the event through on-line services

...e-mailed conductor to get a final commitment from him about Nov. 23 (hope so!)

...e-mailed someone else for recommendations on conductors and concert masters in case I need a plan B

.....still going!

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 81 Holes In The Sheets!

I slept on the couch last night.

No, we're not fighting.  I just couldn't sleep. 

I've discovered when that happens, if I get up and move to the couch - just a change in placement seems to help me fall back asleep.

I think I know what my problem was last night.  Not too long ago I discovered a small hole in our fitted sheet.  I put the sheet in the wash and then made sure that the hole was at our feet and not at the top of the bed.  That way I could ignore it and get a few more months use out of it.

That was dumb. 

My foot caught the edge of the hole the other night and I could hear and feel it rip. I cringed.  Every night I've gone to bed knowing it's there but hoping it will miraculously go away if I stay nice and still ALL NIGHT.  (you can see where this is headed)

The problem is, my subconscious mind must be quite aware that it is there and all night long I struggle to keep from making the hole bigger.  I think that was my problem last night.  It ended up disturbing my sleep enough that I got up and went to the couch.

After a lecture from my husband this morning about going to get a new one, I confessed that I don't want to spend the money.  That led to another lecture.  I've somehow adopted the mindset that every penny I spend means I can't spend it on something else.  It's part of the reason I've been able to pursue my dream.  I spend very little on anything so that I'll have money to spend on the music when it's time.....and that philosophy spills over into how I run our household finances. 

As I was walking this afternoon, I realized that the little hole that has now grown big is just like the enemies that keep us from accomplishing our dreams.  They are little things, subconscious thoughts that eat away at our confidence and begin to keep us from 'resting'.  If we just 'ignore' them, maybe they will go away.  But it's a lie.  At some point, they will get caught in our souls and rip until they become out of control.

Holes might be:

• Fear that we'll fail or....succeed
• Fear that we won't have enough money so we hoard every little bit we have and never step out and take risks
• Negative words spoken over us that continue to play over and over (you're too old!......who do you think you are?......Isn't that a little vain?...you'll never be able to do this)
• Depression
• Fatigue

You get the idea.  If these seemingly little holes aren't corrected when they are small, they will eventually tear and become a big problem that will keep us from accomplishing what's in our hearts.  Are they worth losing sleep over?  NO...but if we don't fix 'em, they will get bigger and then we WILL lose sleep.

So not only does this elephant diet keep me focused on the tasks at hand, but it seems to always keep me looking deeper into my soul for the little holes that rip away at my confidence.

On a more task-oriented note:

Bite-size accomplishments so far this week:

• Communication with potential stage manager for the show
• Update received from my producer about CD
• Connection with an image consultant in Nashville for the photo shoot and added her prices into my biz plan sheet for my budget
• Set up a meeting with the sound company for Thursday of this week to gather information
• Participating in a live webinar with my live show producer company tonight