How do you know your dream is from God?

When we start talking about pursuing our dreams, sometimes we are afraid that we'll do the 'wrong' thing.  

I'm often dreaming and coming up with ideas, but I'm not always sure if they are of my own making or if God has placed them in me. As with most things on our journey, it's not like we always get a big neon sign that makes a distinction.

So here's another question I was asked recently about pursuing dreams.

How do you know that Portraits of White is a dream from God?  

As I get older, I actually try not to analyze this too much.  I think the underlying concern driving this question might be - what if my dreams aren't from God and they are just my own? 

Here's how I've come to look at it:

• Did you have any part in deciding you would be born?  
• Did you decide if you were a girl or boy?  
• Did you have control over which century you were born into?
• Did you have a say in the family in which you were born?
• Did you choose the country?

.....you get the idea.

Being afraid our dreams might be selfish is partially based on thinking we have control over our dreams. That is almost ludicrous.  On one hand, we can make choices and choices lead to consequences. Therefore, now that we are in existence, we do have some control. And yet, we don't have control over the big picture. It's paradoxical.

For instance, one of the big factors that led me toward doing the Christmas show was not something I dreamt of or could have manufactured. I currently serve at a church where I never intended to serve.  In fact, it wasn't until after three phone calls from them that I said I would consider it.  

I did not seek this position. It wasn't even one of my goals or dreams. However, because the opportunity fit my gift set and did resonate with some of my musical desires, I said yes. 

It has turned out to be a significant factor in my growth, both as a musician and as a person. I didn't see that one coming.  What seemed to have little correlation with my dreams, turned out to open up a whole new world that unleashed bigger dreams. Something about playing with an orchestra there stirred up something deep down inside me.

Am I in charge of my dreams?  Not really.  And yet I am.  That's why I say it's paradoxical. Once I have an opportunity that resonates with me, I go at it with everything I have.

Here's another angle from which to approach this.  

• Is a car created to move down the highway? 
• Is it ok to use the accelerator in the car?
• Maybe we shouldn't use the brakes even though they were created to make us stop.
• Should the car be concerned that it's pursuing the wrong thing by driving?
• Is a flower created to bloom and be fragrant?

• Should a corn stalk produce corn?
• Does an apple tree get concerned it will produces apples? Maybe it should produce cherries now that it has strong branches and roots?

If God created me with music inside, why wouldn't I pursue music?  As I keep my heart turned toward Him, is He not leading me and giving me opportunities to apply the gifts He gave me?  Do I have to always ask if a dream is from Him?  

Do you ask God every day when you go to your job is this is the thing you should do today?  I think your boss hopes you'll show up.

Back to the original question. Is my dream to do "Portraits of White" from God? 

I don't know for sure somedays (it's become a very big undertaking) but I do know this:

• I was born with music in me before I had any control over my skills and desires.  I naturally gravitated to the piano, singing and performing. 
• I have chosen to develop those skills and pursue the inklings inside of me.
• In 1988, I felt a strong whisper in my heart that said 'music is your place in the body of Christ'.  I did NOT hear any specifics.....like: "you will do a big Christmas show".  
• Sometimes I do hear something specific, but generally, I spend time in prayer and then move forward with my ideas.  Once in a while, I'll sense a strong leading one way or another, and then I try to follow that.

I keep my senses open for signals (on the inside of me in my spirit):

• green (go for it) 
• yellow (caution - timing might not be right)
• red (don't proceed)

It's like the ancient missionary Paul, who knew he was called to a specific group of people and took trips to find those people.  Once in a while though, the Spirit would tell him not to go to a certain place or city and then he obeyed those specific instructions, but other than that, it seems to me that he spent his life pursuing his calling and dream wherever he went. Unless otherwise instructed, he kept going.

I believe that God created us all with certain abilities and gifts.  They can be deserted or increased, that is our choice. Sometimes we get a little over spiritual about this stuff (me included) and we make it so complicated.  

So with all that being said, yes, I believe my dream for "Portraits of White" is from God. Simply because He is my creator and He built me with music inside. He is big enough to let me know when I start moving in a less desirable direction within those abilities and desires.

So here's a few pointers to help you.

1.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you discover your dreams.
2.  Spend time listening for the Spirit's voice.
3.  Use any opportunities that come your way and use your abilities well.
4.  Talk to someone who knows you well, believes in you, and see if they confirm what you sense.
5.  Keep moving forward in faith!

Embrace The Suck

"Does it ever get any easier?" I asked the two runners I had just met on the trail as we stopped to exchange greetings.

I'd been increasing my exercise routine weekly and was now up to running 35 minutes straight.  I was huffing and puffing as we talked.

"If you never push yourself, yes, it will get easier.  If you just continue at the same pace though, you won't gain much", said the one who looked like she was an experienced runner.

"It sucks no matter what you do", said the other girl who seemed to be sweating and huffing, like me.  I could relate to her.

"JUST EMBRACE THE SUCK" she finally said with a sigh and a frown.  We all laughed.

                            

Yep.  Anytime we try to reach for our dreams, calling, desires...whatever we think we were created to do, there are times when it just sucks.  

Using the running analogy, it's rarely 'fun' to get up at 5:00 a.m., pray, eat some protein and then head out to the trail by 6:00 a.m.  I feel like I'm going to die most of the run.  Every day I feel like I just can't make it but I keep going. I sweat like a rainstorm and breathe heavy like a dragon minus the fire coming out my nostrils. I've never been a long distance runner so it's taking me a while to build up stamina.

When I am finished with this self-inflicted torture, the pay-off is worth it.  My mind is having a hay day and the good chemicals in my brain are being released.  I write songs, blogs, plan concerts, design merchandise and get new marketing ideas - all while I'm dying in my body.  

There's another payoff to all of this...at least when it comes to exercise.  I am losing weight.  My clothes are fitting better AND I'm heading toward reaching one of my many goals for the Christmas show in December.

Do I love getting up early to work on my goals?  Nope.

Do I love sweating a flood worth of water when I run? Nope.

Do I hurt when I get back? Yep.

Do I like when my jeans fit better? Yep.

Do I like the creativity my mind engages in while I exercise? Absolutely!

Do you want to win at what you think you were created to be and do?

Sorry....you're gonna have to...ya know...embrace the suck.

Icing or Cake?

When I choose a cupcake, it's about the icing. In fact, when I went looking for an image for this post, there were lots of great colors and images to choose from.  But I saw this chocolate icing and of course, I chose this one.

I feel like dreams are like cupcakes.  The icing is the delicious part.  It's what we think about when we have a spare moment.  We go for the icing!

The cupcake is what it takes underneath the great ideas.

When I started dreaming of doing a Christmas show, my original idea was to build it in my home area and then take it to cities across the U.S.  That was the icing on my cupcake.

There's one thing I forgot about cake.  It's made of things that take a lot of work to produce.

Flour
Eggs
Sugar

Think about where they come from.

Someone bought a farm, bought chickens and started gathering eggs. They have to feed the chickens, build a home for them and keep them from foxes.

Somewhere someone is growing canes of sugar. It takes months to grow and lots of care. Hard work.

What about chocolate?

"First, the pods must be harvested, which is usually done twice a year. Because the trees are too fragile to climb, harvesting is accomplished by workers on the ground, who wield either a machete or a long pole with a machete on the end. Then, workers open the pods by hand, taking care not to damage the beans inside.

Next comes one of the most important steps in the process – fermentation. The beans, still sticky with pulp, are placed in earthen pits or wooden bins and covered with banana leaves, then left to ferment. The heat of fermentation changes the bitter flavors in the beans into something more edible, more chocolatey. 

The sugars in the bean turn into acids, the color changes from pale to dark brown, and the pulp residue melts away. The length of the fermentation process depends on the type of bean; the higher quality beans may need only a few days, where others may need a week or more.

After fermentation, the beans are dried in the sun for about a week. The flavor continues to develop during this time. Some manufacturers try to speed this process along by drying the beans over a fire, which gives them a smoky, inferior flavor.

Once the beans are dry, they are ready to be shipped to a factory, where they are turned into chocolate."  Taken from "Facts About Chocolate".

We haven't even touched on how to get flour.

Now that I know what's involved in doing a big Christmas show (the icing) I have a much more realistic approach to that dream (the cupcake).  Right now, it's all I can do to pull of ONE show.

So here's what I'm thinking.  The icing keeps me going.  The cupcake underneath - that's the hard work.  Put them together and it will be quite tasty!  Most days I'd rather sit and lick the icing....forget the rest. But I can't. I will need both!

Hmm...I'm feeling kinda hungry for chocolate.  Better get busy growing a chocolate tree.

Empty Shelves = Greater Prayer Lives?

Reflecting on the miracle journey of 2014

"Prosperity may dilute prayer too.  In my travels I have noticed that Christians in developing countries spend less time pondering the effectiveness of prayer and more time actually praying.  The wealthy rely on talent and resources to solve immediate problems, and insurance policies and retirement plans to secure the future.  We can hardly pray with sincerity, "Give us this day our daily bread" when the pantry is stocked with a month's supply of provisions." - Philip Yancey
(from his book: Prayer, Does It Make A Difference?)

My heart jumped for joy when I read this paragraph.  It's the first day of 2015 and since my husband is not feeling well we are just sitting in the living room resting and enjoying Pandora's classic lounge station.  A cloudless sky outside reveals the full sunlight and makes the room cheery, adding to the peacefulness.

I picked up Philip Yancey's book on prayer to start reading it just now.  Last year at this time I determined to grow in my prayer life and his book is one that I came upon months ago and decided to add to my growing collection of books on prayer.

After reading that paragraph I had to put the book down and write my thoughts.  I have seen the amazing power of prayer in my life this past year.  It really started in June when I decided to host a breakfast at a local restaurant and invite some fans to become part of my Portraits of White dream team.  I called them my vision team, but they have changed it to 'dream team'.  I like it.

I didn't have a pantry full of goods and provision to pursue this vision at the time.  A few hundred dollars in my checkbook and not too much more than that in my savings account either.  But I went ahead and stepped out in faith.  I had bathed this vision in prayer for months.  Now it was time to put it to a test.  I knew if I hosted this breakfast I would start something in motion that would be a complete walk of faith.  I did not have the 'resources in my pantry' to see this through to the end. Was I ready to jump in with both feet?

My first indication that this was going to be an amazing experience came in an e-mail from someone I had invited to attend the breakfast.  They were offering to pay for the cost of the group's breakfast. Another e-mail came a couple of days later with the same offer from someone else.  The day of the breakfast, a woman in the group got up to supposedly 'go to the bathroom' and as I later discovered, had inquired with the waitress as to how to go about paying for the group's breakfast, which by that time was already paid for.

This has proven to be my experience all the way through this past year.  A financial hurdle would arise and was then met with some kind of amazing provision that I didn't know would happen. Honestly, I could write a book on just this past year alone.

One of my prayers this past year was that I would have the concert paid for in full by the end of the year.  Today is January 1 and I am thrilled to report that the funds are there to pay the final bills. It won't leave much left over, but my faith has grown immensely through this journey and all I could say when I read Philip's paragraph was - "hey, though my food pantry is full, my pantry of resources to pursue a big dream was NOT full, but through prayer, hard work, miracles and supernatural means, all my needs have been met."  It would have been easier to just skip my dreams and live comfortably.

I don't ever want any kind of prosperity or deceptive comfort to keep me from stepping out. Sometimes the only way we can see God move is to take that step into the unknown. Is it safe? Nope. Is it tiring? Yep.  Do I feel alive?  Yes!

So here's my final question that I will ponder the rest of the day as I continue reading his book.  If God can do that with my finances, why can't He do it with everything else in my life?  In what other areas can I trust Him to do more than I possibly can?  Why limit it to financial?  Why not trust Him for physical healing MORE, for emotional freedom?  For deliverance from recurring fears and anxiety?

I intend to try.

Why not empty my 'shelves' of all my own prosperity and trust Him for greater things?  I think Philip Yancey is right.  Our own comfort and abilities keep us from that deep sense of need for rescue.  As a result, we don't pray.  We just keep on depending on ourselves.  I'd rather live on the edge.

Don't get me wrong.  I have days when it just looks too hard. It is NOT easy to live this way.  That's why I keep books like Philip's handy because they stir things in me.  They call to the deep in me and keep me on the edge, far away from comfort zones.

Now.........back to my book.

Philip Yancey's book

Setbacks or Setups?

In case you haven't noticed, I have fallen in love with figure skating.  The combination of athleticism, artistry and music are a perfect fit for me.

To have a setback is very difficult.  In fact, recently I've had one right after another.

It started with a growing soreness in my left ankle bone.  I had to lay off for a few days.

Then I got very sick with a cold like I haven't had in years and missed a week of skating.

Then my Mother started losing her appetite and losing weight and when the retirement home became alarmed at her quickly failing health, it threw my life into another tailspin.

My siblings came to the rescue to give me a break and over the same time, a new medicine began to help my mother start to improve.

While my brother stayed with my Mother, my sister and I took a trip to Nashville so I could work on my christmas show.  That was an AMAZING trip, but I missed 3 more days of skating.

Now, I was finally ready to get back into my daily skating routine this past Monday.  I skated great, felt great and even had the privilege of having my big brother from New Mexico video tape what I've learned so far.  It was so fun to have him enter into this new journey in my life.  We spent the day together after skating.  He treated me to a big wonderful hot chocolate at a quaint little coffee shop near the rink and then we spent the rest of the day visiting his friends and seeing the beautiful unfolding of Spring in South Central PA.  I took him to the airport in the afternoon and said goodbye.

By evening I could barely walk on my left foot without severe pain.

Today as I type this, I am facing an ankle injury and I have no idea how it happened.  I tried to skate yesterday and it only made things worse.  My coach is guessing it's a sprain and told me to either press through the pain or to stay off if it got worse.  Skating made it worse, so I've had to stop.

This has been a real setback to me.

One of the things I've always heard about goal setting is that you should write out your vision and see yourself accomplishing your goals.  I have been doing that as it relates to skating and it's been working wonderfully.  But my most recent mentor encouraged me to also write out the setbacks I may encounter along the way so that I would be emotionally prepared for them if they happen.  Now at first that seems really negative, but I decided to try it.  Thank God I did.  I pulled them out today to review them.

Here's what he told me to do:  "Anticipate the obstacles you'll encounter (without wallowing in paranoia, list some of the potential hurdles or frustrations you might face as you pursue your goals):"

So here is what I wrote back in January when I was first writing out the setbacks I might encounter regarding my vision about figure skating. (I will share my new vision with you at some point, but not yet).

1)  physical injury, setbacks
2)  skating gracefully may not be as easy as I think - might take longer to learn than I thought
3)  money challenges

My next assignment was this:

"Now, look over the list of obstacles above and write down proactive ways you will deal with them and rise above if they come up.  (How will you brace yourself for disappointments?)."

Here's what I wrote:

1)  Do all I can to recover as quickly as possible and be careful to prevent any injury in the first place.
2)  Be joyful for any progress I make and let it be about artistry, not technicality.
3)  Be very intentional about what it will cost me to do anything music related (be careful about what I spend). Trust God.

Time to apply the lesson.

I could feel myself slipping into discouragement last night when I realized that I cannot skate for a while right now.  I can't continue on with that goal.  I need to rest the ankle and let it heal.

I decided this morning that I will turn my setback into a setup.  I have plenty to do for upcoming concerts and I am in the thick of planning my big christmas show.  (by the way - an official announcement is coming soon, but you can save the date now!  December 6, 2014 at 7:00 p.m.)

I will turn this setback into a setup by:

• Focusing on music and giving my foot a break.  
• Being thankful for this focused time to work on details about the show.
• NOT seeing this as a setback but a setup to succeed at other areas in my life until I can get back to skating.

Yes - that's it.  See this as a setup.

• A setup to get other things done.
• A setup to rest my body so I can continue skating eventually.
• A setup for some extra time at home with my husband.

So many things to be thankful for.  It's the attitude of Tigger instead of Eeyore.

What are some setbacks you are encountering?

What if you start seeing how they could be a setup for something wonderful in your life?

The Little Girl In Me

Skating on our farm pond as a little girl.

A few years ago, I sat in the counselor's office with tears that freely flowed down my face no matter how hard I tried to hold them back.  I was a mess and was desperate for any help she could give me.

"What kinds of things did you do for fun when you were a little girl?" she asked.

Music was certainly something that filled my life with joy when I was little.  But I have given my life to music as a profession and it can be difficult to go back to something just as a hobby once you've spent years honing the skill to share with audiences.  She encouraged me to just sit and play the piano for fun.

But there was something else I loved to do as a young girl.  I don't even remember how or when I started.

I loved to ice skate.

Growing up....

We had a pond on our farm and I would spend hours out there all by myself skating.  I'd take my tape player out and play music and make up dances on the ice.  It was a place where I could freely express myself to music.  The skates made it easy to twirl and spread my arms like eagles to fly.

It has been years since I have been able to skate.  We don't have a pond where we live now and though the neighbor invited me to skate on his pond, the Pennsylvania winters have not been cold enough long enough to freeze the water.  I set it aside and focused on music and I've enjoyed creating music.

She encouraged me to tap into that little girl again and go ice skating.  I did one day.  I felt so clumsy at first, but something ignited in me and a desire to skate returned.  But we don't live real close to a rink and the skates I have are not very good.  (I took them to a local shop and had them sharpened.  They sharpened them alright.  Cut the concave blade right off. Made it really easy to spin....right out of control).  Winter passed and I forgot about skating.  If I did think about it, I shrugged it off.  Impossible.

Dreams or Cold Eeze?

Two weeks ago I was unable to sleep one night and began pondering some creative ideas for my show. I'm not sure how it all transpired, maybe it was the Cold Eeze I was taking for my scratchy throat, but somewhere in the middle of the night I got an idea.  I started researching where to buy professional skates on-line.  After reading up on buying skates and finding places to purchase a good pair, I decided that I would take the money someone gave me at Christmas and invest in a new pair of skates.

I prayed as I lay there on my couch that night and asked God to lead me to the right people who could coach me and help me pursue my idea, if possible.  If this idea was from Him, I would need His help.

I discovered there was a free skating lesson at a local rink on the next Saturday afternoon so I decided I would go and get my first lesson.  Something I've never experienced.  I asked the gentleman who was renting skates where I could buy a pro pair.  Turns out he has a shop where you can be fitted for skates.  "Wonderful" I said.

My first lesson

When I went to join the group of mostly children who had shown up for the free lesson, it was the same man who was leading the class.  After giving some instruction and watching us skate, he commented that it looked like I had skated before.  "I've never had a lesson before and I figured it wouldn't hurt to learn to do it right", I replied.

When we finished the lesson, I asked when I could go to his shop and be fitted for a new pair of skates.  "Three o'clock this afternoon is open" he said.  So at 3:00 I arrived at his shop in Harrisburg, PA ready to buy my first pair of good skates.

As I sat in his shop and learned more about skating and all the opportunities there are, I went ahead and shared the idea I had.  He was very encouraging.  When I asked about hiring a private coach, he advised me to come and skate for 2 weeks and then talk about a coach.  The best hours when I could go would have to be the morning hours....6:00 - 9:00 a.m.  He gave me his card and I left.  Turns out his name is Christian Newberry and he is the skating director at the rink.

My new skates.

4:00 a.m.?  I must be nuts?!?!

Since the rink where you can skate (with other serious skaters) is 45 minutes away, I realized that I had to either give up my morning devotional time and put it at a different time of the day (which never seems to work out real well for me) or I could get up earlier and spend that time before I go to the rink. Since I wake up at 4:00 a.m. so many mornings, I decided that I could get up then, have my quiet time and head to the rink.

It has been so invigorating I can't even begin to describe what takes place on the inside of me.

I have always tried to pay attention to the little voice inside me when it begins to whisper desires.  It takes years sometimes, but I have learned that if the desire doesn't go away, there is usually something to it and you should pay attention to it. After all, the scripture says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  As we keep our hearts turned toward Him, I believe He places desires in there and He is capable of bringing them to pass if we diligently seek Him.

I don't know exactly where this will lead but I have a specific goal in mind.  My first set of goals?....

1)  Buy a pair of skates
2)  Learn more about hiring a coach
3)  Be faithful for 2 weeks as Christian suggested

As of today, I have completed those goals.  So I asked Christian yesterday morning if he thought I could pursue my next goal.  "Most adult skaters don't have the balance or speed to do this, but I have been watching you and you have both.  I think you can", he said.  "Your main problem is that you do everything on two feet".  Ah....YEAH!  I laughed.  "I'm still getting used to just skating again", I replied.  (2 hands, 2 ears, 2 eyes, a nose with 2 holes and 2 FEET - makes sense to me.)

I am usually one of the first ones there at the rink every week day which gives me time to skate all alone before the pros come and spin and jump around me.  I watch them with the eye of a hawk.  I learn quickly by watching what they do.  (I can tell you this, the jumps they do on TV sound much louder in real life).  Wow - the force of their landing on the ice is amazing.  I could either let it scare me, discourage me or inspire me.  I have chosen to be inspired by them and it fills my spirit with new vitality and joy.   It is now my new exercise routine.

I am on a new path and it feels so good.  The little girl in me has come to life.  It's as if I have completed Act I and am now getting ready for Act II.  I can't wait to see how this unfolds.  I believe that it will all somehow weave together eventually.

Oh and by the way - turns out the guy who rented me the skates, taught the lesson, sold me the skates, is in charge of the rink where I skate, also coaches many of the skaters.

He is now my personal coach.  He is also Britain's National Champion from 1989.  Guess what his wife is?  A music teacher.  How cool is that?

This is how we pursue the things of our soul.  (thank you Tom for giving me freedom to do this!)

One step at a time.  One goal at a time.  One day at a time.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 35 This Works Both Ways

On Wednesday of this week, some of us who were in Nashville to record for Creative Soul Records gathered at Panera Bread to have lunch and receive some advice and encouragement from president, Eric Copeland.

He reminded us that no matter what we think our plans are, or what we hope them to be, God is ordering our steps.  He originally hoped to be a well known songwriter in town, but now he runs a record label and has impacted the lives of many artists, including me.  He still writes music, but developing artists seems to be his bigger passion these days.  It was nice to gather with other artists and share ministry stories.

But, I was thinking today that I need to take the weekend off from blogging, thinking and cramming so much into so few hours.

Eating the elephant of a big project like making a CD is done little by little, consistently, over time.  Eventually the elephant will disappear.

It works the opposite too.  A little elephant, growing a little bit every day, over time, grows into a giant elephant.  There is a little elephant slowly growing in my house and I need to stop the growth.  Big elephants can do a lot of damage.

It's called balancing working hard at your goals with just taking time to rest and be with your family.

I've been racing full steam ahead for 35 days, proving to myself that I can indeed blog every day and accomplish something every day toward my project.

I don't want my marriage and home to suffer though.  Don't worry - it's not that my marriage is in trouble, but I've been away this week and busy even when I am home for many weeks in a row and I feel like I need to give myself time to rest this weekend and to just be present with my husband.

There will be plenty more waiting to be done on Monday.  See you then!

CELEBRATION TIME!!!! Day # 27 Big Milestone!!

I'm soooo excited.

I have reached a major milestone in this project.

I have only been able to give small portions of time to this on a daily basis, but all in one night it has paid off.

I attended a christmas concert tonight and was it ever delightful.

I turned off all the lights in my studio, turned up the volume and listened to all my hard work for the past 13 years and more recently, the last 26 days.

It was a concert of my own Christmas music with visions of a 'celebration show' dancing in my head as I listened.

One major hurdle/goal was to have a CD ready to take to Nashville next week to give to producers to evaluate. As of tonight, I have it ready to print to CD.

The magic I have tested by writing and rewriting is still there in the songs and I can hardly wait for the next phase.

So I celebrate.

A cup of hot chocolate, some peanut m&ms and a whole lot of cheering!

I think I just ate a big elephant.