Sorrow is Better Than Laughter. WHAT???

I've always had a very serious side to me. In fact, my whole family is pretty serious. We think and feel very deeply. I also have a quirky side to me and the more freedom I experience in my life, the more that side is coming out. But obviously, the heaviness that I grew up with still shows up even when I write funny songs.

"Even the funny songs that you write still have a serious edge to them", came the words from my manager. I sighed inwardly (and probably outwardly too). I didn't notice that until he pointed it out. The critique session was so rough I wondered if I should keep writing music. "Absolutely", he said. "I just want to see you get better overall and that includes your songwriting."

As a songwriter, it's always been my aim to be the best writer I can be, which has meant allowing professional people to speak into my writing. It isn't always easy to hear a critique of what you wrote, even when it's given in love and intended to make you better. I'm thankful to have people around me who love me enough to be honest with me about my writing, so I took his words to heart and began doing all I could to learn more about writing better songs. 

Up until then, I had written mostly from inspiration only. I'd hear lyrics and a melody in my head and sit down at the piano to write. Now, I still write from inspiration, but I've also learned how to work hard at the craft and develop the seed of inspiration with the sweat of perspiration.Yet, no matter how hard I work at getting better, I'm afraid my serious side still shows up. 

So when I read the following passage this week from someone else's blog; Solomon—the wisest man who ever lived—I almost laughed out loud in light of the story I've been sharing the last couple of months in my blog. Perhaps this explains the underlying theme of death and heaviness that shows up in so many of my songs;

"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. 
After all, everyone dies, 
so the living should take this to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter.

A wise person thinks a lot about death,

    while a fool thinks only about having a good time."
Ecclesiastes7:2-4

If sadness has a refining influence on us, than I should be as "fine" as gold. LOL! 

Yes, I see now that all of the sad stories in my family history put us ALL through the fire. 

A few weeks ago when I was reading a book on songwriting, the author (who is a hit songwriter) said "write what you know". That's exactly what I've been doing. I had an epiphany in that moment. I decided to embrace my history, my story and all the heaviness and sorrow that came with it. It's what I know and it's what I've written. I do have something to share and yes, it might have a certain slant to it, but that's who I am. 

That doesn't mean I won't keep trying to improve in my writing, but I realize that as Solomon said, sadness has a refining influence on us, so I've decided to accept my past and at the same time, keep moving forward. I know as I keep growing in wisdom and understanding (a prayer I pray often) it will be reflected in my voice, both on paper and audibly.

So with that, I will continue the next phase of the story of the death of Nathan in next week's post, but this time, you'll get to hear from my sister, Aspen, as she shares what the death of Nathan was like for her (when she was 7) and how it has impacted her life.

Until next week, I thought a picture of someone having a good cry might feel appropriate right about now.  ; )

"The Elephant Diet" Day 128 Think About Your Audience

"Getting there I think.  Maybe you dial back in a bit more emotion in parts, but Phil will take care of that."  - Eric Copeland

That was the response I got yesterday from Eric about the new vocal approach I've been working on for the song "You With Me."  Well, hopefully Phil will help me nail it this week.  When I asked Eric about the last minute lyric changes, he just said "less is always more".  Now I just wait for word from Phil, but I might just have to wait until I get there Wednesday morning.  That's ok.  I like the changes and feel good about it.

As I write this, we are on our way home from North Carolina where we spent time this morning remembering my sister-in-law, Sue Drost, who passed away recently.  The family asked me to sing at the funeral and I squirmed at their request.  Have you ever attended something that sets off all kinds of land mines in your soul?  You avoid those events if at all possible?  No need to stir things up - just keep them buried.  Funerals do that for me and though I wanted to honor the family, I was so afraid I would be a muddled mess of emotions and I really prefer not to sing in those circumstances.

However, I put those preferences aside and said yes, for them.  As we got closer to the moment when I was to sing the beautiful song "You Raise Me Up" my fingers began to shake and my heart began to pound.  I haven't been that nervous in a very long time.  I began to analyze what was making me nervous while also paying attention to the tributes being given.  

I was afraid.  Afraid of my emotions getting out of control, afraid that I would cry and not be able to sing, or worse yet, try to sing in spite of tears and sing way off pitch and totally butcher the song.  Then I began analyzing why I hate funerals in the first place.  I've already been down that road so many times that I just decided to not even get on that bus.  

I tried to think of funny things like cats barfing, or dead dry grass that crunches under my feet when I go to get the mail at our mailbox.  I closed my eyes and pictured no one in the room and just me at the piano bearing my soul through the music. I prayed for peace and ability to press through.  I asked what's the worst that could happen.  Meanwhile, my husband leaned over and said "are you nervous"?  Dah.  Was it the earthquake in my hands or the bulging of my dress around my heart area that gave it away?  Maybe he could hear the pounding?

Finally, in desperation, I tried to recall what coach Tom Jackson would tell me.  Most of our fears come because we are so consumed with what others will think of us, which means we are self-focused.  

Guilty.  

"Think about your audience" Tom Jackson always says. 

Sue Drost and son, Derek

Ok.  So I began to think about the family and what they must be feeling.  I thought about all the friends that were present who could use some encouragement.  Sue Drost had touched many people's lives in her 4 1/2 year battle with cancer.  Apparently they had given her 6 months to live, but she decided to live life to the fullest in the time she had left and in the process, it was obvious she had touched many people very deeply.  I began to think of those people.  What about her son who is to be married in September?  What must it be like to lose your mom right before your wedding day?  The doctor who treated Sue came to the funeral.  It was the first cancer patient's funeral he had attended in 8 years of practice he said afterward.  With tears in his eyes, he said "Sue taught me how much cancer can break someone's heart and how cancer can make someone's heart stronger."  He was obviously touched by her life.

I began to breathe deep and exhale slowly.  I walked to the piano not knowing if Tom's advice would help.  I remembered singing at another funeral years ago where my tactics didn't help.  I had placed a comic strip on the piano beside my music to help me focus.  That didn't help.  I caught one glance of the mother who lost her 13 year old son and that was it.  I couldn't finish the song.  His name was Nathan, the name of my brother who drowned in our farm pond.

I sat down at the piano, began to touch the keys and when it came time to open my mouth, it worked.  No more shaking.  No more heart pounding.  Not one tear.   

Plenty of tears came later when we sang:

my chains are gone

I've been set free

my God, my Savior has ransomed me

and like a flood

His mercy reigns

unending love

amazing grace

.....and I let the tears flow freely.

Maybe there is a lesson there beyond musical performances.....perhaps many of our fears and nerves are rooted in being too self-focused.

Many people commented to me how much they had been touched by the song and how amazed they were that I was able to make it all the way through.  They have no idea the battle I had.  I told a few people it was a miracle.  And, it was.

"The Elephant Diet" Day 126 Sneaky Zucchini

Anyone who grows zucchini knows that it can very quickly sneak up on you and grow to elephant size proportions!  Yes, I have grown a zuc that could feed an elephant.  I try to check my plants every few days to avoid an infestation, but obviously I am losing the battle.  I now have a 'baseball bat' factory in my back yard.  (I saw a recipe that called for zucchini and encouraged us to NOT let them get to be the size of a baseball bat.)  Too late for me.  I sense yet another batch of zucchini somethings-or-other coming up.  Zucchini milkshakes???

I have very little time left to focus on my vocals for my Christmas CD.  Next week I head to TN to finish them and I don't feel ready.  Somehow it has snuck up on me.  Not that I haven't been watchful and trying to fit in rehearsals, but after 15 gigs in July, Dr. appointments with my mother, a recent death in my husband's family and yes - raising and consuming giant zucchini, I think it has snuck up on me.

Today I am focusing on the final song we need to record called "you with me" (my favorite on this album).

I have marked on my lyrics sheet where we need to put background vocals.  After texting my vocal producer, Phil, I found out that he would like me to have a sense of what I will be adding to all the other songs when I come.  He will then give ideas as we work.  So, I need to go back to the other songs and decide where I want background voices.

Tomorrow we head to North Carolina to mourn with my husband's brother who lost his wife last week to cancer.  I will be singing "You Raise Me Up" at the funeral.  I hope I can make it through the song,  otherwise, it will be a piano solo.  I have never handled funerals real well and have considered telling people that I just don't sing at funerals.  It's so hard to sing with big lumps in your throat and pain in your heart.  But I will try to focus on the words and the strength that it will hopefully provide to the family.

For now, I must get back to finishing these Christmas tunes.

This has crept up on me.