Look at the Birds

I am standing in my kitchen, looking out the glass sliding door staring at the foot of snow that fell yesterday. The snow-covered woodpile next to our house (and under the bird feeder) makes a perfect ski slope for the birds. I'm smiling as I watch a few of them make their way up and down the slope. Do they know they are skiing?

The older we get, the more my husband and I enjoy these creatures...talking to them, caring for them and studying their habits. We've observed that birds seem to eat more when it snows. I feel like I can relate.

The last of the storm is spitting out a few more flakes, but I can't seem to enjoy the snow like I normally do. I feel anxious and worried. Again. 

I just received an email letting me know that a concert event I had scheduled for February has been cancelled. It's an unwanted reminder that things still aren't normal in our world and it's been almost a year. It's unusual to have anything scheduled these days so I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was disappointed. Is this what 2021 is going to be like?

I continue staring at the snow. My husband is standing beside me—having just finished his third cup of coffee. He's been outside plowing snow since 7:00 am this morning so that his shop can open for business by 8:00. I really appreciate his dedication to his work and offering another cup of coffee is the least I can do.

I was shoveling snow and feeding the birds while he plowed. I had hot chocolate.

Normally, I'm mesmerized by snow, but this morning my heart is distracted and I seem to be paying more attention to the birds than to the snow. The bright white snowy blanket has provided a beautiful backdrop to the various birds flocking to the feeder on this cold winter day; finches, cardinals, doves, sparrows, juncos, tufted titmouse and the Carolina wren.

"Look at the birds," I suddenly spoke out loud—which seems odd since that's exactly what we were doing. 

"They really show up against the snow," I continued. 

"Now we can see the markings more distinctly and identify them." As if my husband wouldn't know this.

As quickly as I said it, I remembered a phrase from scripture that I used to meditate on frequently: "Look at the birds. Don't worry about tomorrow. Take no thought for what you will eat or what you will wear." 

Ah yes. That's one of the reasons I've loved having birds around. They are a constant reminder that I don't need to worry about the future. Their melodies carried me through the initial challenges when COVID hit and all my events were being cancelled last spring. 

But today, I am simply drawn to their presence, not the songs. I take a breath and continue reflecting.

It took a lot of prayer and effort to keep my mind-set positive throughout 2020. I want to keep moving forward, looking for the positives—and there are many...it's just harder to pull them up in this moment.

I suppose like everyone else, I was planning on 2021 bringing a brighter future—a return to normal. The cancellation this morning felt like Déjà vu, which these days threatens to bring a deeper sense of despair. What does this new landscape look like for a self-employed musician and others whose work has been obliterated by the pandemic? I've been innovating like crazy. Sometimes it gets tiring.

So this is one of the ways I'm currently dealing with pandemic-inflicted anxiety and fatigue. I can't change the circumstances it has created, but I CAN work at replacing the worrisome thoughts with the phrase "don't worry about tomorrow....look at the birds."

I pulled out the verse to refresh my heart and mind...

"Look at all the birds—do you think they worry about their existence? 

They don't plant or reap or store up food, 

yet your heavenly Father provides them each with food. 

Aren't you much more valuable to your Father than they? 

So, which one of you by worrying could add anything to your life?" Matt. 6:26-27 (TPT)

So here I am again. Looking at the birds and saying to myself..."Don't worry about tomorrow." 

If you're feeling a bit worried too, here's a solo piano piece I created called "Bird Song."

Enjoy...

Sunrise Meditations

Monday, March 16, 2020, I woke up feeling anxious. 

All my gigs were being cancelled.

Our state senator ordered everyone to “stay home” due to the growing COVID-19 pandemic.

Oblivious to the situation, the birds sang happily outside my bedroom window. I lay there soaking in their songs. 

Peace began to wash over me.

I thought to myself, “what if I’d offer to play my grand piano for the world, online? I’ll select some of the old hymns that mention birds, such as His Eye is on the Sparrow. We can “sing” each other through the global storm.”

I started daily sessions of “Hit Pause” from my studio. Thanks Facebook LIVE! My online community responded with joy and support.

Soon we were into Holy Week so we transitioned to Easter hymns. “Hey—why not do an online Easter sunrise concert and tell the Easter story “on the ivories”, I thought.”

So with the iPhone propped in my open window, a robin singing along with my piano music and the sun rising, we celebrated Easter on our devices at 6:00 am! A listener posted a comment that day…”you should do an Easter album!” An inspiration that caught my attention. And so it came to be…. Sunrise Meditations. 

Nature sounds came in from the Hit Pause community around the world (and our homes), rallying around the idea of hymns, piano and nature joining together.

Necessity (a pandemic) is the mother of (invention) inspiration. Sunrise Meditations is proof.

We are planning for a June 7, 2020 release!

Click HERE to watch "Hit Pause" and hear from the artist who was commissioned to paint the cover of the new album.

Artist, Diane Nadolny's painting of the new album cover.

Killing Anxiety Before it Kills You (Part 2).

"Unpredictability produces high levels of anxiety."

 - Mark Batterson from "Chase The Lion"

When I saw the subtitle of Mark Batterson's book,"If Your Dream Doesn't Scare You, It's Too Small",  I had a rather strong reaction.  It came at the height of anxiety and I didn't feel in the mood to "dream big". Well if that's the criteria for judging the size of a dream, then my dream is plenty big enough, I mumbled.

I love to underline key thoughts when I'm reading a book and since I've underlined most of Batterson's book, I guess you could say I'm finding it helpful in spite of my initial reaction. I agree with him - unpredictability does produce high levels of anxiety. 

For instance, last year around this time, my husband and I knew we were facing several costly medical procedures. Like many self-employed Americans, our medical insurance has been anything but affordable and since we had just signed up for another plan suggested by our insurance agent to keep in line with the government requirements, we found our anxiety levels increased because we weren't absolutely positive that our insurance would cover all that we needed to have done. What if we'd end up paying the whole thing ourselves? 

Looking back to this time last year, I can see that we made it through ok. So many fears are unfounded, yet they feel so real.

That leads me to my next tip for killing anxiety. 

"Take life one moment at a time."

Others tell me they are inspired by watching me go after my dream. It makes them want to try and work at their dream. I usually sarcastically tell them to go and work at Walmart. It would be much easier to just punch a clock, work for someone else, and go home. I'm learning to take this one moment at a time.

I'm glad someone else is inspired because there are many "uninspiring moments" about this dream and they are usually the unpredictable ones that cause the most anxiety. Remember, he said that unpredictability produces high levels of anxiety?

Here are just some of the unpredictable elements of the dream:

• Ticket sales 
• Attendance
• Weather
• Health 

Ticket Sales:

Since the concert is a very big expense, ticket sales are important! Marketing, musicians, sheet music, lighting and sound are just a few of the expenses. But I won't know until the night of December 10, exactly how many tickets I've sold (unless it sells out ahead of time) so why worry about it in this moment? 

In 2014, I was afraid no one would come. 400 people came.

In 2015 I was afraid people wouldn't come back. But people came back and brought friends and we had over 730 people.

Guess what tries to make me afraid this year? Yep - same old thing. It's just part of chasing the lion.

Attendance:

Even if people buy tickets, I don't know what things may come up in their lives to prevent them from actually coming. No one can control circumstances, so why do I worry about how many will be able to come? It's out of my control completely. I won't change it by worrying about it.

In fact, just in the past few months, three people I care about have passed away rather suddenly. One of them attended my past two concerts. I am sure she didn't know when she came last year that it would be her last year. That's how unpredictable life is. For that matter, this could be MY last concert.

Weather:

The weather? Well, yeah, that's a real deal breaker! But I can't control the weather either, so why do I worry about it in this moment? It's taking up energy and brain space that could be put to better use.

Health:

What if I get sick? Lose my voice? I could borrow Ironman's suit and be completely protected from all germs, but it's hard to practice the piano with iron hands. 

You probably think I'm getting a little detailed - but that's how detailed our fears can be and now you know some of my secret fears. It helps to name them.

It's tempting to wait until I do something really successful and amazing and THEN tell you what I was afraid of, but somehow it seems more powerful if you know it as it's all happening - whether it succeeds or not. You get to see the struggle as well as the joy.

I close with some challenging words from Jesus: 

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

Does this mean I don't prepare for the concert, or work hard from morning until evening practicing, praying, promoting? NO! 

I work hard in case tomorrow comes 

and I worry none in case it doesn't. 

So these days my prayer moments go kind of like this:

"Father, thank you that in this moment, I have everything I need. I have bills coming up that need paid, but they aren't due today, therefore, why give them any thought. I am alive and well in this moment and that's all I am really guaranteed....this moment. Yesterday is history and tomorrow may never come for me. I am at peace now in this moment. You said not to worry about tomorrow, so I choose not to. 

You also said "don't let your heart be troubled", so I'm choosing peace in this moment. Hey little heart of mine, it's going to be ok - don't be troubled!"

If I do that each moment, next thing I know, the day is over and I've made it through and peace is reigning in my heart. Tomorrow, if I wake up, I'll do it all over again, until this battle is done. Will you join me?

The Second Half of the Story

"You know the material, you've just mis-applied it". 

I traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to Tennessee just to hear that??? 

Working with Live Music Producer, Tom Jackson.

I couldn't believe what he was saying to me. I had studied his material for over ten years and was sure I had a handle on it.

I guess I must have been visibly shaken (I know I was on the inside) because he began to spend the next hour encouraging me, but it didn't seem to penetrate my disappointed soul. 

I remember a similar feeling when I was in high school and thought I did really well on my math test only to find out I failed it. But this was much more important to me than a math test!

For over ten years I studied Tom Jackson's methods for live performance.  I bought his tapes, DVDs, signed up for his seminars and studied with his assistants. When he started writing a blog, I read that. I'd drive to my concerts while listening to his teaching just to keep his wisdom fresh in my mind and soul. I began to see pre-concert nervousness and anxiety disappear as I applied his techniques.

Many performers usually have multiple layers of fears. At the bottom of all our anxiety lies a fear that no one will like us. The next layer comes from fear that if we don't perform perfectly, we are a failure.  We think about the perfect notes, trills, pitches and how we are perceived and rarely ever think about the audience and what they might be feeling and thinking.  As I've begun to focus more on my audience and less on me everywhere I go, I have gone from being nervous to having complete peace before each event, thanks to Tom.

So when I finally got to work with Live Music Producer, Tom Jackson, over a year ago, I was pretty sure that we could skip the basics, cut right to the intricate details and really cover some deep territory because I already had a handle on his basic methods. Boy, was I ever wrong. But that's the first half of the story.

I learned a lot more as I spent the rest of the afternoon working with Tom, but I never fully recovered from feeling like I was a failure. I probably mis-applied his encouragement too. He told me that I knew more than about 90% of the artists out there because of my diligent study, but by then, I couldn't seem to hear that part.

Last week, in my blog post, I shared a very big answer to prayer. The answer was having Tom come to my Portraits of White concert last weekend to see me apply his methods....or at least try. 

Enjoying ice cream with Ed Kee (Conductor) and Tom Jackson after the concert.

Hearing the initial words from Tom was a wake up call for me because it called attention to an underlying feeling I've struggled with for years, but could never put my finger on, until he said "you've mis-applied the information." I realize now that it is a thread of fear stitched into the core of who I am, but thankfully, that thread is starting to come unraveled.

You see, I have a crippling fear when it comes to God. I am afraid I'll spend my whole life trying to please Him and then one day, He'll tell me "sorry, you mis-applied everything".  FAILURE.

I'm the kind of person who tries hard to do everything right. Just tell me how to be perfect and I'll give it my best shot.  I even apply this to my spiritual life. Just tell me how to act right so God will love me and I'll do it.

But there always seemed to be a low-grade fear inside. That fear was brought to the surface by an innocent conversation with Tom J. I never fully recovered from my first session with Tom. It hung over me like a faint wisp of smoke, clouding my vision AND my faith.

The morning of my Portraits of White concert, I was walking the grounds of Messiah College and pondering all that was unfolding. The fact that Tom was willing to come all the way to Pennsylvania and invest his time and wisdom in my life was a sort of redemption that I greatly needed.  He hadn't given up on me, in fact, he was coming to help me grow and improve. His words spoken almost two years ago were never meant to hurt or discourage. He was trying to help me. I knew that in my head, but my heart needed to feel it. His presence at my concert moved it 12 inches from my head to my heart.

The more I press in to understand God and allow Him to love me, the more He seems to stir up my bad streams of thought that affect every area of my life. He brings them to light and I'm learning that He does so, not to condemn me, but to lead me into greater freedom.

After the Portraits of White concert, I heard that Tom gave me a 10 out of 10 on my performance. Many people have asked me what he thought. My big sister apparently asked him (thanks big sister!) I know that he'll have some tips for me that will only make me better and I look forward to hearing them after the post-concert dust settles! I'm not afraid to hear what he has to say - even if I'm still mis-applying knowledge, because I know that he has my best interest at heart and over time, I will not only learn his techniques but learn how to apply them.

Having him come to my concert was a picture of God coming to my rescue to help me learn to apply His ways and thoughts to my life. He, after all, is the greatest producer there is.  He loves creativity and He loves a great show!

Just watch the lightening.

The sunsets.

The male cardinal.

I'm learning that even if I mis-apply knowledge, the Great Producer will come and sit with me and help me learn not only how to know Him better, but to apply His wisdom and become a better artist.

That's the second half of the story.

Bird Song.

My father loved birds.  

I have grown to love them too. 

They make me feel at peace. 

I awaken early in the morning to their songs.

I listen to them sing when I go for walks.

I talk to them.

They chatter.

They are a lesson in how much God cares for me.

"There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, 

more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. 

Look at the birds

free and unfettered

not tied down to a job description 

careless in the care of God

and you count far more to him than birds."  

Matthew 6:26 The Message.

Listen and watch here. Become unfettered and free.

When She Calls "Yoo Hoo"

My mother has a bird feeder hanging outside the window of her little room in the nursing center. It was empty when she moved in and I inquired as to how we go about getting it filled.  Since it's up to the family to keep it filled, I take bird seed with me every time I go.

When I first filled it, I would ask if the birds had come - with desperate eagerness every time I talked with her on the phone. They didn't come for days. I pleaded with God to please give her this small favor and send some birds. I knew they would brighten her day.

One day I visited her and sure enough a gold finch landed on the feeder and I about jumped through the roof with excitement. She did too, in an elderly woman kind of way.

When I go to see her, I usually fill the feeder first. She doesn't know I'm coming so it usually surprises her when she suddenly sees me appear right outside her window.

One day, recently, because of the glare on the window with the rising sun, I couldn't see well. I bent down and peeked in her room to see if she was in there.  I was about to give up when I heard something I haven't heard for years. Her familiar "yoo hoo". It starts up high for the "yoo" and goes down a few tones on the scale for the "hoo". Same way, every time. I smiled and waved.

A chill ran up my spine. The power of those two words, within a nanosecond, flung me back into childhood and a lifetime of being her daughter. I could see and hear glimpses of moments in time when I heard that familiar call.

...calling my father in from the fields

...calling up to me in my bedroom on the farm

...a call that sometimes irritated me like crazy

...a call that I have considered using when my own natural voice doesn't seem loud enough, but then wonder if I really have the gall to do what used to drive me nuts.

But today it was the most welcomed sound. A moment from the past, as if all was normal again.

I don't know when the Lord will call her home. She prays almost daily that it will be that day and usually asks me to pray with her that it will be soon and so I do. I know the Bible says that His sheep know His voice. I wonder if He will call "yoo hoo".

I'll probably have chills up my spine and tears down my face when He calls her.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 16

Today I sang a solo backed by a 40 voice choir at church. It's not one of my own songs, though I wish I could claim it. It was simple, but so powerful. The kind I want to write.

Tears, hugs, expressions of appreciation.....part of my reward for learning and delivering the song in the best way I knew how.

Songs are simply letters strung together to create words. Words strung together to create phrases.

Melodies are made up of one note after another carrying us away to other places only our souls can reach. To put all of these elements into 3 minutes or more and then make others cry, laugh or shiver, is the ideal I strive for.

Some things on my to do list are very easy:
Send an email? Done.
Make a phone call? Done.
Write a song (or rewrite a song) that can touch a soul in deep places or help change a culture?Hours, days, even years.

I have a Christmas song I'm working on that someone thinks is a hit....with some re-writing. That's someone's opinion. But I too sense there is some gold there, I just have to keep mining to find it. Not today......my sabbath.

....but it is on my to do list.

For now....I need to finish making our fried chicken supper. It's smelling really good.

I close with a photo of a bird nest I found on my walk today. I added some acorns to remind me that seeds do grow and become mighty places for birds to build such intricate nests. Like a songwriter.......