Facing the Spooks

"Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning Portraits of White?" What a great set of questions from a fan!

How about this for an answer?

I am mindlessly sticking my hand in the peanut chocolate M&M bag and stuffing my mouth with various colors of the delightful candy. I don't know when I started developing such a fondness for these little temptations. My husband and I ration them out. If Tom gets five, I get five. We even try to keep the colors the same in each pile.

Somehow, over the past year, we've departed from that tradition. I'm probably the one to blame for this lack of equality in distribution. On this particular day, to which I'm currently referring, I am actually eating this candy without even realizing it. Doesn't matter what color or how many...I just eat.

In frustration, I sit down on the green chair in my living room to take a moment and reflect on why I'm doing this, again. I know the pattern. Something about my life feels out of control so I do something that I can control. I turn to food. I eat. It's the only area where I feel as if I am "in control"—which is quite self-delusional. Yet, somehow, I believe it's true. I can control what I put into my mouth. But in this moment, I eat uncontrollably. You probably know the feeling. 

I talk myself through it and remind myself that it's Portraits of White season. Things get kind of stressful right about now and sort of "spooky" (in keeping with the Wizard of Oz theme). This year, it's a little above and beyond the normal spookiness because of COVID. Like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz when he sees the big owls with glowing eyes in the haunted forest, I want to run the opposite direction. The Tin Man and Scarecrow have to literally pick him up, turn him around and carry him. I could use some "carrying" right about now.

There are a lot of things that can make me want to turn back. It can be the tiniest thing, but usually it's a combo. The music arrangements are pouring into my email box. I'm trying to organize all of the parts for the musicians, suggest changes to the arrangers, check the notations, create demos, memorize songs, practice the piano, keep my voice in shape, stay away from colds and viruses, think about how to make the whole show cohesive and meaningful... I'm also trying to follow up with businesses regarding sponsorships. Are they willing to support the show again this year? How much? If so, can they send in their logo/ad soon so we have it in time to print the programs?

By December, I'll be fine. It's just this in-between stage that can be rough. So, if one M&M equals one spook, perhaps eating them one by one is the answer. Or not.

Back to the original questions. "Does planning a show of this magnitude give you anxiety? What is your biggest worry when planning?" Normally, I'd say it's SNOW that's my biggest worry.

This year, you can add COVID to the list of concerns.

When it comes to facing fears, I think you can break "spooks" into two general categories:

1) Inside things (Your soul)

I have found that some of my biggest fears are actually within me. I've done a ton of soul-work around my inside fears and it's paying off. I love the growth I've experienced because I've paid attention to them. 

I used to try and stuff my fears, or just ignore them completely. Doing something as courageous as putting on a Christmas show brought me face to face with some of my biggest fears, like fear of rejection. I found myself afraid that people wouldn't come. Duh. We started in 2014 and people have been coming EVERY year. 

An even bigger challenge in the beginning had to do with facing intimidation. Questions like, "who do you think you are?" would wake me up in the middle of the night.

These days, I find that facing these fears head on works better than stuffing and ignoring. And oh, by the way, I've learned that as soon as I deal with one fear, there will be another one that pops up. It's the nature of being a dreamer. Your heart knows what it wants to do, but your brain simply freaks out. 

The other spook category has to do with:

2) Outside things (The circumstances)

In this category, there are circumstances that are absolutely beyond my control and unfortunately, they can really raise quite a ruckus in my brain.

Things like...the WEATHER! Snow. Ice. Blizzards.

Or...

Pandemic. CDC restrictions. 

Here are a few steps I take to help me deal with the inside and outside spooks:

• Identify the fear. (What am I afraid of, specifically?)
• Say it out loud. (There's just something powerful about naming it, out loud.)
• I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? (If my fear would come true, what would that look like?)
• Could I be ok with that? (This can seem like you're giving in, but personally, I have found the greatest peace comes when I release control and choose to be ok with whatever the outcome might be.)

Do you remember the phrase, "Let not your heart be troubled?" It always reminds me that heart trouble is a choice. At least, this kind of heart trouble. Ouch. That's challenging, isn't it? However, I believe that like anything else, it just takes practice. Sometimes I just have to say, "heart, we're not going to be troubled about this!" 

Using techniques such as praying, journalling, singing, quietness, reflection and confession can all be effective in facing the spooks. It's also nice if you have some friends who can pick you up and carry you through the spooky places.

This week's video.

It All Starts with a Dream

It all starts with a dream, as some say. Nashville says it all starts with a song. Either way, if it's a dream, you have to get out of bed and get dressed. If it's a song, you have to get out your pencil and paper, or at least your recorder. Then you might want to play it for other people, put it on an album, put it out on iTunes. You can't just lay around and "think" about these things.

Every year I dream of doing a  Christmas show, and beginning in January, I know that December is coming and my show won't happen with my head on a pillow dreaming about it. I can hear Auntie Em telling Dorothy "there's work to be done."

One element of planning a show is deciding how to tell other people about it.  You can't just hope that people will show up. "If you build it" a few might come, but just building it isn't enough. 

One day as I was brainstorming on the phone with a coach about all that there is to do, including the marketing, he said, "Why don't you bring your audience in on the planning of the show. Give them a peek into the planning part." 

So I got to thinking; I wonder what my audience would want to know about planning a Christmas show. Instead of me trying to guess, why don't I just ask them? I did and people responded.

Sorting through the questions, one in particular, catches my eye. I squirm in my office chair. I always struggle when someone asks this question: "What is your favorite song on the album?" 

The problem is, it's hard to pick one favorite. Songs are three-minute audio journals of my life. Each song has a unique significance and is part of the whole.

Though the question wasn't specifically about the show, it's a good question because the show actually started with a song. Ok, so Nashville was right. It really does start with a song.

It was a wintery January morning in 2000 and I was on my way to a local recording studio to record my first album. The snow was blowing and drifting across Route 696 in Shippensburg, Pennsylvania—a scenic road between two mountain ranges. I probably shouldn't have been driving.

But I was in my element...SNOW! 

The first line said it all...

Whispery winds of winter white

The blizzard-like winds seemed to applaud my bravery for driving in these conditions...

Dancing across the starlit night

Twirling and swirling and sweeping the lane

Whisking the blues of the season away

These are the portraits of white

I knew it [the song] was special the day I wrote it. I could hear the polished production of it in my head. Even though it would be years before I'd actually record it, I knew it would sound Enya-esque.  I had just encountered the music of Enya, and her stacked vocal approach resonated with me. Every time I'd listen to her, I wanted to sit down and write music. 

Portraits of White Album 2013

Years later, when I decided to record a Christmas/Winter album this song was a definite favorite. I learned to respect Enya's music all the more during the process of recording. It's not easy to stack vocals. You must follow every single intonation and nuanced note of the original take each time you sing a new take. For some reason, I really enjoyed the challenge of this style of recording. 

When it came time to choose a title for the Christmas album, Portraits of White felt the most magical. Portraits of White, both the song and the title would become the inspiration for my holiday show. If that makes it my favorite song on the album, then so be it.

The album title was just the beginning...

This week's video:

Look at the Birds

I am standing in my kitchen, looking out the glass sliding door staring at the foot of snow that fell yesterday. The snow-covered woodpile next to our house (and under the bird feeder) makes a perfect ski slope for the birds. I'm smiling as I watch a few of them make their way up and down the slope. Do they know they are skiing?

The older we get, the more my husband and I enjoy these creatures...talking to them, caring for them and studying their habits. We've observed that birds seem to eat more when it snows. I feel like I can relate.

The last of the storm is spitting out a few more flakes, but I can't seem to enjoy the snow like I normally do. I feel anxious and worried. Again. 

I just received an email letting me know that a concert event I had scheduled for February has been cancelled. It's an unwanted reminder that things still aren't normal in our world and it's been almost a year. It's unusual to have anything scheduled these days so I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was disappointed. Is this what 2021 is going to be like?

I continue staring at the snow. My husband is standing beside me—having just finished his third cup of coffee. He's been outside plowing snow since 7:00 am this morning so that his shop can open for business by 8:00. I really appreciate his dedication to his work and offering another cup of coffee is the least I can do.

I was shoveling snow and feeding the birds while he plowed. I had hot chocolate.

Normally, I'm mesmerized by snow, but this morning my heart is distracted and I seem to be paying more attention to the birds than to the snow. The bright white snowy blanket has provided a beautiful backdrop to the various birds flocking to the feeder on this cold winter day; finches, cardinals, doves, sparrows, juncos, tufted titmouse and the Carolina wren.

"Look at the birds," I suddenly spoke out loud—which seems odd since that's exactly what we were doing. 

"They really show up against the snow," I continued. 

"Now we can see the markings more distinctly and identify them." As if my husband wouldn't know this.

As quickly as I said it, I remembered a phrase from scripture that I used to meditate on frequently: "Look at the birds. Don't worry about tomorrow. Take no thought for what you will eat or what you will wear." 

Ah yes. That's one of the reasons I've loved having birds around. They are a constant reminder that I don't need to worry about the future. Their melodies carried me through the initial challenges when COVID hit and all my events were being cancelled last spring. 

But today, I am simply drawn to their presence, not the songs. I take a breath and continue reflecting.

It took a lot of prayer and effort to keep my mind-set positive throughout 2020. I want to keep moving forward, looking for the positives—and there are many...it's just harder to pull them up in this moment.

I suppose like everyone else, I was planning on 2021 bringing a brighter future—a return to normal. The cancellation this morning felt like Déjà vu, which these days threatens to bring a deeper sense of despair. What does this new landscape look like for a self-employed musician and others whose work has been obliterated by the pandemic? I've been innovating like crazy. Sometimes it gets tiring.

So this is one of the ways I'm currently dealing with pandemic-inflicted anxiety and fatigue. I can't change the circumstances it has created, but I CAN work at replacing the worrisome thoughts with the phrase "don't worry about tomorrow....look at the birds."

I pulled out the verse to refresh my heart and mind...

"Look at all the birds—do you think they worry about their existence? 

They don't plant or reap or store up food, 

yet your heavenly Father provides them each with food. 

Aren't you much more valuable to your Father than they? 

So, which one of you by worrying could add anything to your life?" Matt. 6:26-27 (TPT)

So here I am again. Looking at the birds and saying to myself..."Don't worry about tomorrow." 

If you're feeling a bit worried too, here's a solo piano piece I created called "Bird Song."

Enjoy...

Snow

Almost every child has a blanket they adore when they are little.

They drag it around with them everywhere they go.

They eat with it, sleep with it and must take it with them when they ride in the car.

Don't you dare take it away! It becomes their security.  It makes them feel at ease.  In fact, oftentimes they suck their thumb on one hand and lug the blanket around with the other.

Snow was my blanket.  It still is.

The music on the video.

One day, I sat down at the piano and wrote this song after a long winter's walk.  It was a dreary January day complete with grey skies.  Except for the blue mountains in the background, a few evergreen trees and various colored boxes (houses), the land was brown and black.  It seemed to amplify my longing for snow and cry aloud with me.  I was missing my winter blanket.

Though I originally had lyrics, I decided to record it as an instrumental.  It seems to allow more space for the listener's interpretation.

The photographs in the video.

A few years ago I was doing the music at an event in Canon Beach, Oregon - a most gorgeous place - and became acquainted with a woman who does photography as a hobby.  Weeks after the event, I was so delighted to receive some of her beautiful cards in the mail featuring her pictures.  I sent a few to friends and kept two for myself as a keepsake.

I forgot all about her work until last year when I went searching for snow pictures to use.  I contacted several photographers about their images but to no avail.

Her name popped into my mind one day and I went searching through my closet for her cards. Fortunately I had kept two of them and found her e-mail.  We made contact again after all these years and I am pleased to share her work with you.

Sharon Gordon - Photographer

One Step

Yesterday I paused at the beginning of the path

perhaps the snow was too deep

but if I waited too long another storm may come

no....I would start today

As I walked I made imprints in the snow

my feet got wet and cold as I forged a path

but the view above me was breathtaking 

and I lost track of what was below

Today when I returned to the path

I could see the marks from yesterday's courage

my feet weren't as wet or cold

all I had to do was keep in step with my choices from yesterday

* * * * * * * * * * 

Choose your steps carefully

A Very Long Edge

It's taken 15 long years to see the unfolding of "Portraits of White".  From the first day I wrote the song, while driving through literal portraits of white dancing across the earth, thanks to fresh fallen snow and harsh winds, to the recording of the song, to the performance of it at my concert a few weeks ago.  There is more to come, I hope. 

Dreams and prophecies can be that way.  A seed is planted, an idea pops in your head, but if you're not careful, you'll forget about it.  If you're wise, you will nurture that dream, seed, idea, etc.  

I have been focusing on the story of Mary, Joseph and Jesus for years - and not just at Christmas time.  But this morning, I saw things from yet another angle.

Have you ever considered why the shepherds were the only ones to see angels in such a spectacular way?  A whole host of angels appeared....but only to them.  They were so excited that they did exactly what they were told to do.  They went looking for the miracle and when they found him, they ran around telling everyone about it.  

Mary had a completely different reaction, however.  It says that Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.  Mary's prophecy was given in a 'one to one' situation.  The angel appeared to her while she was alone.  She seems to respond in the same way - pondering every moment and keeping much of it to herself.  The shepherds heard the prophecy in a BIG way and they responded that way too.  A frenzy of activity accompanies their part of the story.

Did you ever ponder the fact that after all that excitement it took many, many years before they probably ever heard of Jesus again.  In fact, it could have been as many as 30 years before they heard of him again, even though they probably told the story over and over to everyone they knew.

I think it's that way with dreams and words of hope.  In the moment, some of us react with excitement and want to tell everyone.  Others of us are quiet and hold them close to our hearts, telling only one or two close friends or relatives.  Either way, the promise may take a long time to be fulfilled.  

Living on the edge is exciting at times.  At other times, it means years of waiting.  That makes for a very long edge.  But either way, I want to encourage you to be patient.  Enjoy the moments along the way.  Cultivate the seed. The day will come when you will see the fruit of your hope and faith.  And the truth is, the dream may unveil itself in ways you never even imagined.

Here is proof that dreams can come true if you work hard, be patient and believe.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 153 Learning Curve Or Cliff?

They speak of 'learning curves'.  I have many of them.  At least when you are on a 'curve' there is hope that things will straighten out eventually.

The thing about a 'learning cliff' is that you fall over the edge into nothingness.  You have no idea where you will land.

I feel like I've been on the edge of a cliff and yesterday I fell off.

I've been working furiously at finding snow scenes for my upcoming Christmas concerts.  The first one is on Dec. 15.  After trying about 11 different sources, I found a photographer with great snow scenes and she is letting me use them for free.  I'm putting together a media presentation that will go with the song "Portraits of White".  I want people to 'see' the portraits of white that I see in my mind (and sometimes in my country).

I decided to not give up.  But after much frustration, I realized that I must find someone who can help me figure out how to make sure my snow images are as beautiful on the big screen as they are on my computer.  That's another story and a very tricky process, I'm finding, when you're not a photographer or a geek.

I finally went over the edge yesterday and begged someone to help me.  I think I found someone.  They will come to my studio next Tuesday and help me go through the process.  Every time I try to export the movie to another file type, the photos get grainy or too big or .....well, you get the idea.

In the meantime, I'm excited to announce that the song "Miracles" has been selected by a website that I'm part of as a contestant in an indiesong contest.  If you don't mind, I'd love to have your 5 star vote for this new song.  It will help move it up the charts and give me more of a chance to win some fabulous prizes that would help my career.  Just click on the 'vote here' button and look for "Miracles".  Click on the stars to rate it once you are on the page.

Thank you!  Vote here.

P.S.  You can vote once a day and tell your friends many times a day.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 83 Magnets?

I heard a woman over the weekend make a comment about a show she recently attended a show at the Luhrs Center (a venue I'm considering for my show).  She had a wonderful time - it was obvious.

My heart fluttered at this comment.  I wanted to pull her aside and ask her so many things.

• What show did you see?
• Why was it so wonderful?
• How much did you pay?
• Was it worth that ticket?
• Would you take a friend and go see it again?
• Why?

Of course, as you might have guessed, was thinking about my own show and how much I want to come up with one that really touches people. I want them to laugh, have a great time and walk away feeling inspired about the holidays, about hope AND about going to the show again!

It was refreshing to hear her rave about it.  I smiled and went on my way. (she wasn't talking to me - I wasn't part of the conversation).  

Does your heart flutter inside of you sometimes when you hear something or see something?  You can't explain it, but it's like a magnet inside of you that says - "I want to do that too" or "that's exactly what I've been looking for".   It pulls you in and it is definitely an indicator of what you might be intended to pursue.  Like when someone has the courage to step out and do something you've always wanted to do.  It pulls you in, lifts you up, and gives you courage to take some steps of your own.

Just hearing one woman's comments about another show sparked my soul.  It's those little happenings that keep me going.

Tonight, I spent time preparing to meet with the sound company about the show.  We meet tomorrow for coffee.  This will be the third time we've tried to meet.

Here we go!

P.S.  I'm beginning to wonder if Spring is delayed in coming here to PA just to keep reminding me of the beauty of snow and keep me psyched for this Christmas show.  It snowed again all day???

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 80 A Song, A Sister and A Dog

It's snowing here in PA!

Great time to be working on a Christmas CD.......and share the lyrics to one of the songs on the CD.

Snow is falling

life is stalling

so let's take a ride in the sleigh

bells are ringing

kids are begging

'let's take a ride in the sleigh'

Chorus:

It's a great night

for a sleigh ride

just like kids

let's reminisce

let's take a ride in the sleigh

Frost is biting

my toes will be whining

but let's take a ride in the sleigh

we can act like lovers

snuggle together

let's take a ride in the sleigh

We can sing a carol

in fur apparel

let's take a ride in the sleigh

stop for cocoa

pose for photos

let's take a ride in the sleigh

Closing out this blog for today with a favorite picture of mine....Aspen (my sister) and Niko (her grand-dog).  She's been one of my greatest encouragers over the years and I'm so thankful for her.

Want to hear a demo of the song?  Click here.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 55 Back to work!

We arrived back from MI this afternoon.  What a trip!  We had car trouble Friday morning (the muffler had broken in half and fell on the ground when we came out from our hotel).  We got AAA to tow us to a garage and were on our way after about 2 hours.

This morning, when we went to have breakfast at the hotel where we were staying, they told us a tree had fallen and they had no electricity in the kitchen so they couldn't serve us breakfast.  Our room was the only hallway that still had electricity in our rooms.  No storm.  Just a fallen tree on the power lines.

The 6 Drost boys!  (my husband is the baby)

Tonight, when coming back from town (getting supper and groceries) we hit a deer and knocked the headlight out.  I sure hope the deer was ok.  Glad it wasn't an elephant.

In spite of all this, we had a great time with family.

I worked on some lyrics over the weekend, as I had time, and I started recording a new 'scratch' vocal for Night of Miracles tonight so the producer can keep on moving with the song.  It's coming together quite nicely!

Here's a few photos from our trip to say good bye to Ruth Drost.  (Tom's mother).

Tom's Dad telling stories

Snow covered Michigan!

Church where Ruth Drost attended (beautiful pipe organ!)

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 54 "Portraits of White"

Yesterday my mother celebrated 90 years.

Saturday morning we will have a memorial service for Tom's mother in Grand Rapids, MI.

It's been quite a week.

I need to get packed....we leave tonight.  Sounds like we are heading into snow as we drive through PA, OH and into MI.  A big snow storm is predicted for the Northeastern U.S.

Seems like a fitting day to share the lyrics to one of my favorite tunes for the Christmas CD.  We're going for an Enya type sound on this song.

"Portraits of White"

Frolicking frills of falling flakes

dressing the earth in silk and lace

dazzling, delicate garments of snow

are warming the earth in the midst of the cold

these are the portraits of white

Whispery winds of winter white

dancing across the starlit night

twirling and swirling and sweeping the lane

whisking the blues of the season away

these are the portraits of white

Shimmering rays of shining sun

making the winter seem like fun

carving and melting a bend in the snow

wanting a friend who will see where it goes

these are the portraits of white

Even while I worked at the church today, electric guitars were being added to "Night of Miracles".  Nice to have someone eating my elephant even when I can't get to it.  One bite at a time....even if it's someone else's bite.  

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 22

Last night Tom and I watched a show on Netflix we have recently discovered and enjoy. It's about a family who moves to Africa to care for wild animals. The episode we watched last night had elephants in it. I had to smile to myself.

They were HUGE!

This project is feeling HUGE. After all, how hard can it be to write lyrics? Sometimes not hard at all. Other times......very tough!

But I did it.

Today, after cleaning, taking a friend out to breakfast for her birthday (in a snow storm) and helping her figure out the right key for a song she is going to record soon, I came up with more words to the song I've been wrestling with all week. It's getting past that block point that seems to be the trick.

Finding the balance between breaking the block and not forcing lyrics is a tough act sometimes.

At least I am now on my way to tuning into what I really want to say in this song.

I close with a contentedness in my soul and leave you with the scene I have enjoyed this afternoon as I wrote more lyrics.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 14

Another day.......another song.....

"Ride in the Sleigh"