Birthday Reflections.

Yesterday was a day of delight. Tom took me out for breakfast to one of our favorite places—Jaymee Lee's Diner. It's not that it's a fancy place, but it's my hometown. We stay caught up on the local chatter. 

We learned that a neighbor lost 13 calves this spring due to the long cold winter that's extended way too far into April. I was touched by his love for the calves. Especially since it didn't seem to be about the loss of money but the loss of little creatures. I inwardly groaned at his loss.  

After breakfast, I got my flower beds ready for planting the zinnia seeds I harvested last fall and kept through the winter. I eagerly wait for warmer weather when I can generously scatter them throughout the beds. My soul is always nourished by this yearly practice of working the soil, planting the seeds and harvesting more for next year.

After yard work, I visited the Newville library—another favorite hometown place. When I go to the library, I feel like I can do anything. I picked up a book I ordered called "Finishing the Hat" by Stephen Sondheim. The conductor of Portraits of White recommended I read—no—STUDY, this book to help me in my songwriting. I'm going to need to purchase one of my own. For now, this will have to do. 

We ate homemade vegetable beef soup for lunch. My soup supply is almost gone from the freezer. Soon it will be time to make more. It's amazing to feel the need for warm soup on April 26. The lilacs aren't anywhere close to blooming which is unusual. I often have lilacs for my birthday. Not this year.

After lunch, I rode my bicycle on the Newville trail all the way to Shippensburg University—something I've wanted to do for weeks but have never felt like I had the time. Yesterday I took the time. It was incredible. I sat on the campus for a short break and enjoyed a tart, crisp apple and a smoothie I made just for the trip. 

Tom and I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Ruby Tuesdays (we love those coupons that come in the mail!) along with the presence of a mother duck waddling down the sidewalk outside our window. It wasn't even a minute after Tom said, "she probably has a nest near here" that she "ducked" under the bush right outside our window and plopped down on a big furry nest. The people at the table next to us also watched her settle in and move the eggs around in the nest, uncovering them just enough to let us see that there were at least 7-8 eggs. We all broke into lively chatter about the duck nesting outside the restaurant.

My present from Tom this year was a very special surprise! I now have fancy lights on my bright red Yamaha VStar that change color. They will show up best at night, so one of these evenings when the weather is finally warm, you might see me cruising around the neighborhood on my "night-rider". 

While I was spending my day doing what I love to do, my mind was mulling over the past 52 years of my life. What have I learned about life that I want to keep for the next 50 years? What would my proverbs be?

Here are my thoughts—in no special order.

• Goals are only handles, not molds.

• You can change anything about yourself if you first change your mind.

• You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to if you'll commit to spending 30 minutes a day on it.

• There will come a day when your dreams take more work than you could have ever imagined. When that day comes, you'll know you are officially on your way to achieving them.

• "Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your produce. Then your barns will be filled with plenty and your vat bursting with wine." Proverbs 3:9-10. And you will likely have a ton of work to do. Don't let that take you by surprise.

• Prayer will be your life-support. Don't ever pull that plug.

• The work required of you when you pursue your dream is never going to end. So learn to embrace the work of the real as much as you embraced the love of the ideal.

• You never need to stay who you were. Decide who you want to be before you get there, and you will become that person.

• Five minutes spent doing what you love is like a blink of the eye. Five minutes spent doing what you hate is like forever. Since life is filled with many five-minute increments, make sure you blink often.

• Once a week, allow yourself a day to turn off your phone, your computer, and any other gizmos. Go for a walk. Take snapshots of the scenery with your heart and mind. Don't post them anywhere—not on Facebook, not on Instagram. One day a week, look at life without the lens of social media so you can remember what it's like to "just be".

On my Way to 50 and Loving it!

Recently I posted a blog about turning 50: "50 Things to Trash Before Turning 50". I decided to start getting rid of stuff before my birthday. Just another two weeks and I'll be turning the big 50 and I just threw away item # 25 and it sure feels good. I challenged others to do the same thing and a friend told me she's getting rid of 70 things before May - when she turns 70. I love it! That's what I'm talking about.

Some things are very hard to let go of - like my yellow dress. It's more than a dress. It was a measuring stick for my self-esteem and letting go of it is very significant. I'll be blogging about that soon. But there are things that are very easy to let go of so it's fun to see the list of things grow as I let go and grow with it.

50th wedding anniversary present given to my grandparents in 1966.

Today I found this relic from days gone by and I decided to keep it (for now) to help bring in my new year. It's a candle holder that my grandparents were given on their 50th wedding anniversary in May of 1966. I would have been 1 month old at the time of their party.

I was named after my grandmother, Frances Wingert Sollenberger.

When I look at their anniversary memento, I remember them and think about how much life they had already experienced by the time I was born.

Avery and Frances Sollenberger with children Chester and Bertha (my mother).

Then I think about the life I've lived and how I want to live after I turn 50. As I take an inventory of things inside and out I open up my life for new days, new things and new experiences. I can hardly wait!

I'm making space for a new season and welcoming new possibilities!

Are you throwing things away yet?

50 Things to Trash Before I'm 50.

It's just a blue dress right?

Then why is it so hard to throw it away?

I think it's partly because it means something to me, no matter how trite it might appear to someone else. But I'm determined to clean out the clutter in my house while I continue to clean out the clutter in my soul and work on my life values.

Last week I was in Nashville for another photo shoot and for one of the sessions, the photographer put me in a completely white space.  Nothing on the walls or floors.  No windows, furniture, nothing. I felt so free and creative in that moment that it made me want to follow through with something I've wanted to do for a long time: clear out the clutter in my house.

I've been removing clutter from my soul and my schedule and now it's time to take another step. My house...my living space....my studio. There is something about cleaning out clutter in the natural world that helps me clean out the clutter in the spiritual world.

I also want to get more focused about creating music. I want to create in spaces that make no suggestions to me. (I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well, but perhaps you might identify.) If not, just let me ramble. It helps me figure things out.  : )

I'm still figuring all of this out as I go.

I'll soon be turning 50 and as a way to prepare, I've decided to get rid of 50 things from now until my birthday.

I have 33 days.

I'm parting with "old things" to make space for a "new me".

Every week, I'll take a picture of things I've parted with and share them here in the blog as a salute to those "things".

I'll also share why it was hard to let go. (After all, it helps me sort through my feelings.)

As I'm getting rid of stuff, I'll make note of what it meant to me and then move on.

The blues dress in this photo is now in the trash can and will be burned this afternoon.

There, I did it.

Item # 1.

Gone.

In the above picture, we had attended a wedding and though I can't remember who was getting married, I remember how I felt in that dress.

I LOVE that dress because:

• when I wear it I feel pretty
• it makes my blue eyes pop
• it's lined with it's own fancy lining
• it's very slimming

But yesterday I tried it on (with Easter Sunday in mind) and the shoulder pads made me look like a football player. (I may try many new things when I turn 50, but football will not be one of them.)

No matter how much I love the dress, it's time to part with it. I'm not a fashion guru, but I'm pretty sure jumbo-size shoulder pads are not in style.

So there it is.  I took a deep breath and said goodbye to the blue dress. I celebrate the times I got to wear it and now I will enjoy one less dress in my closet.

How about you?

Want to celebrate my birthday with me and take on the "50 things to trash before I'm 50" challenge?  

Let Her Down Gently

I dropped my brother and his wife off at the BWI airport and started the two hour drive home. It was Monday. First day of the work week, first day after our mother's memorial service.

I hate goodbyes.

Personally, I think one of the hardest moments of grief is right after the funeral when all your friends and family leave to go home. You head back to your house and realize that life is not going to be the same anymore. The people who were with you throughout the death and funeral proceedings serve as a sort of cocoon and you feel safe and warm there, even in the midst of your grief. When they leave, it's as if you are birthed out into the cold world, naked. You are fragile and helpless. You need to be treated gently and given some time to adjust.

A melody and lyric presented themselves as I drove.

"let her down gently 

everybody's gone

going home to lonely

so let her down gently"

I wrote it down and never finished it. (I don't think my producer wants me to write anymore songs about death.) "You have plenty already," I can hear him say, and I giggle.

Two Stones

My mother's name has been engraved on two tombstones ever since I can remember. Having had two husbands, both preceding her in death,  I'm sure it was a decision of frugality and practicality to go ahead and have her name etched on both stones.

I always dreaded visiting the cemetery, partly for that reason.  It was a very vivid reminder that someday she would die. It was eery because her name and birthdate appeared, along with a blank space for the date of her death, waiting for it to happen. It's a lot for a child to process.

February 6 was her birthday and we just passed the second one since she's been gone. I haven't been able to go back to the home where she died ever since September 2014. It's too painful. In fact, I've even avoided the roads around it.  Secretly, I was afraid that they would force me to drive by and I just wasn't ready. Yet, I have felt guilty because there are people at this home that I would like to go visit but my selfish grief has kept me away.

I hate guilt. I used to hate grief even more.

Saturday, on her birthday, I had an event to do in the town where she died. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I took the long way so I could stop and visit her grave. "Yep - here I am, doing it - the very thing I despised when I was young," I smiled to myself.

As I was walking toward her spot, I had this unusually strong impression that she was no longer there. Now, I know that in my head, but my heart prefers to go visit her graveside anyway. It still brings comfort somehow, but this impression was so strong that it almost made me turn around and leave. I've never sensed that so strongly when visiting my family's graves.

But I wanted to see the date listed on her memorial. I haven't seen it since they etched it in last summer. Just as I reached for my phone to take a picture to send to my siblings, I saw a text from my brother in New Mexico reminding us it was her birthday. Interesting timing!

As I walked away, I had the resounding sense of completion - and not just the date on her tombstones. Something in my soul felt free. Knowing she isn't there somehow lifted my step.

Bertha Mae Sollenberger Crider Heisey
February 6, 1923 - September 24, 2014

As I drove toward the church where I was to speak, I came upon the little road to her home and decided to take it. And wouldn't you know, it took me right by the place where she died, and once again, I had the strong sense of freedom from grief.

Not only was she NOT in the cemetery, she was NOT at the home I so dreaded going to. I drove by - looked it square in the eye and smiled.  She's not there anymore.

My heart finally agreed with my head.

I wanted to go home and blog about my experience but the words felt like peanut butter in my spirit. However, I had a strong sense if I would work on the song, I could now finish it and the song would express what I want to say. I guess I just needed more time to live through the grief and grow to the other side of it.

Of all the songwriting tools available to me, the piano is usually the most productive one of all. I sat down at the piano and it came - easily, quickly and clearly.

I have songs that I've started and slaved over and still can't finish. When one comes this easily, it's a treat. I doubt you will ever hear it on one of my CD projects (unless I do one on grieving) but in light of the subject of my recent blog posts, I thought it would be an appropriate way to show you what it's like to take a song idea, process, write and record it. A snapshot into my "day of delight."

(I say that because a fan-turned-friend recently asked if she could come and sit in my studio and watch me write a song.  Oh my!!!!  No way!!!  It's such a personal process. Sorry - I said.)  

So this is the best I can do to let her in on my process.

The pictures aren't professional for the most part - but they represent my life. Joy and tears. Life and loss. It's my family's story.

Know someone who has recently lost a loved one?

Give her/him space.

Don't carve out her grief journey for her. Let her find her way. Just be there for her, and please.....let her down gently.

Click here to hear and see the song.

She Would Have Been 92

Today, February 6, 2015, my mother would have turned 92.

Bertha Mae Sollenberger Crider Heisey
February 6, 1923 - September 24, 2014

The day after her memorial service, I was driving home from the Baltimore airport after dropping off my brother and his wife.  I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness and finality.  My mind began to walk through the events of the past week.  While my mind was walking, my heart began to sing a new song.....

5 yellow roses for mother

ninety-one birthdays

five adored babies

'Bert' (her nickname in high school)

two breathed their last so early

trials and sorrow

unsure tomorrows

still she lived life sincerely

sisters and brother

huddle together

blue mountain range in the distance

dirt, grass and shovel 

soft velvet covers

weary eyes water and glisten

three children saying goodbye

two children saying hello

heaven and earth joined together

by 5 yellow roses for mother

hero to neighbors

wife and homemaker

woman of faith, tears and passion

what do you give her?

simple, yet honored

what can a child imagine?

Each child places a rose on the wooden box
she was laid to rest in.  A granddaughter placed
one in memory of her deceased son, Nathan Carl and
her daughter-in-law placed one in memory of her
first-born, Douglas Paul.

three children saying goodbye

two children saying hello

heaven and earth joined together

by 5 yellow roses for mother

death and life pause for one moment

rain in the heart and the skies

simple wood box, earth is opened

but now she is free she can fly

three children saying goodbye

two children saying hello

heaven and earth join together

by 5 yellow roses for mother

It still needs some work, but I thought today might be an appropriate day to share what I have so far.

The idea for this song came from a blog post the day before we buried her.  So far, it has been the second top post of my blog read by readers.

Five Yellow Roses blog post.

I will be working in Nashville today as a way to celebrate her life and give me something to focus on as I continue to grieve.  The conductor and I will be working on reviewing the Dec. 6, 2014 Portraits of White concert.  Reviewing the past, looking at the present and planning for the future.  

I find that coming to Nashville on special days is becoming a tradition and one that I hope to keep for years to come.  Today, I remember my mother's life with a new song.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 53 "Now That I'm 90"

"Now That I'm 90"

Detour from my diet. 

I spent the day with my Mother.  It was her 90th birthday.

This is a woman who has survived so much......

• first husband died after 2 years of marriage and left her with a 7 month old son
• her 2 year old son drowned in the farm pond just days after turning 2 (I was 6 months old)
• the son of her first husband was killed in a farm accident when he was 26 (I was 7 years old)
• her parents died around the same time 
• her second husband died of cancer (I was 35)
• spinal meningitis
• breast cancer

....you get the picture.

So as we celebrated 90 years together, there was such a sense of accomplishment in the air.

My favorite phrase of the day........"Now that I'm 90".......

I began thinking.  What would I say if it were my 90th birthday?  We got sidetracked somehow and she never finished her sentence.  

So....how would you finish it?

Now that I'm 90_______________________

I'd love to know what you'd say.

P.S.  I think I found the type of sound I want for my "MOPS" song (Mothers of Preschoolers) for my Christmas show.  I was thinking of taking it off the consideration list (at least for the CD) but after hearing this song today on the radio, I was inspired to put it back on the list.  Thanks Francesca Battistelli.  Nice to be inspired by someone else's music.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 52 Reflections

I'm beginning to realize that the beginning of the week is not as productive as the end of the week for me.  Part of it is because of my 'day job' and that's when I work more of my hours.  Plus, I had a meeting last night, tonight and tomorrow night.  It makes it tough to fit in much else on these kinds of days.

I tried to focus this afternoon when I got home, but in all honesty, I am exhausted today.  The work I wanted to do on my project takes brain cells and I forgot to pick up some extra ones last time I was at Walmart.  : (  

There are a number of things going on in my life that are making it hard to stay focused.  

• I found out a friend has cancer
• My mother-in-law died on Sunday afternoon with only a few days notice
• A dear colleague where I work is leaving us and taking another position somewhere else
• My mother turns 90 tomorrow (that's a great thing)

When things happen that tear at my soul, it affects me in the same place from which I do creative work and therefore, it's hard to create (at least for me) when I experience 'soul pain'.  (Just being honest).

So I opted for an easier bite out of the elephant today (no brain cells needed for this).  I'm trying to increase awareness of what I'm doing and facebook is a great way to do it, along with this blog. As people offer to help me in any way (and many are doing just that) it becomes more apparent to me that people are with me in this and the greatest thing people can do right now is spread awareness by sharing this with others...and that is happening!  Thank you!

Unfortunately, it's taken me a while to figure out the difference between a 'personal profile' and a 'page' on facebook.  Now that I think I'm finally starting to get my brain around it, I'm trying to keep the two separate.  So at the bottom of this blog entry, you'll see a link where you can go right to my Frances Drost Solo Artist Page and "like" me.  

There.  

I did it.  

Ouch, that's hard!

The whole idea of this has taken me a long time to get used to and I still squirm at it.  But the truth is, I don't mind 'liking' people that I really like, so why not give others the opportunity to do the same for me?  So here's my bite for the day.......put my neck out and ask you to 'like' me.

"Like" me if you like me by clicking here!  (then look for a 'like' button and press it).

   

Thank you!

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 22

Last night Tom and I watched a show on Netflix we have recently discovered and enjoy. It's about a family who moves to Africa to care for wild animals. The episode we watched last night had elephants in it. I had to smile to myself.

They were HUGE!

This project is feeling HUGE. After all, how hard can it be to write lyrics? Sometimes not hard at all. Other times......very tough!

But I did it.

Today, after cleaning, taking a friend out to breakfast for her birthday (in a snow storm) and helping her figure out the right key for a song she is going to record soon, I came up with more words to the song I've been wrestling with all week. It's getting past that block point that seems to be the trick.

Finding the balance between breaking the block and not forcing lyrics is a tough act sometimes.

At least I am now on my way to tuning into what I really want to say in this song.

I close with a contentedness in my soul and leave you with the scene I have enjoyed this afternoon as I wrote more lyrics.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 20

I can't believe it's day # 20 already.

Today I spent the whole day in the studio. I've been hired to write a birthday song for someone so today was the day to write it, record it and send it off to see if it meets the wishes of the family. If they approve, it will take a big load off of my mind and I can really begin to focus more on the Christmas tunes.

Though that took most of my day, I did get to work on my Christmas song a little bit and I also made a video for my fans to tell them about the Christmas project so they can connect on this daily blog if they want to.

Making some headway!

The pic is the view I have as I work in my studio. Nice snow day!