The Stuff I Value Is Not.....Stuff

It felt downright indulgent, selfish and "North American" to write out my "Day of Delight" last week.

What about all the starving children in the world?

Their day would be simple.

Find food. 

A person without work would only need three words.

Find a job.

But after having a week to ponder the exercise and review my delightful day, I have more to add to those critical thoughts. And they are a little less critical.

Now, I would agree that we are terribly self-consumed in the United States, and the truth is, we are one of THE most fortunate countries on the little globe that spins in my studio. (As a child, I always found those fascinating). 

But what if it simply means that we, who have been given so much, have a high calling to make the best of what we've been given and make a difference in this world?

But what if a day of delight isn't even about making a difference? What if it's simply a day of delight? Oh my, back to feeling self-indulgent! Or is it? As soon as you must make a difference in the world, it puts you back into "oughts and shoulds" which leads to obligation and removes the possibility for a "day of delight".

On to the next assignment: write down your life values.

On the surface, the pictures and text I chose last week would speak of luxury, technology, nature and fine dining. Stuff. However, emerging from this seemingly guilty pleasure of creating a day of delight is an interesting list of things I value and surprisingly, it doesn't seem to be "stuff" at all.

Supposedly, they say that our values cannot be based on our circumstances and those pictures look pretty circumstantial, even tangible to me. Glass buildings, an English butler serving me delicacies and ending the day on a farm in Franklin, Tennessee - they would all appear tangible.

But what if those were all taken away from me?  That could be easy to imagine, since I don't own a glass studio. In fact, my studio is in my "home" and my home is small and simple. I don't have an English butler (though my Dutch husband does serve me treats sometimes) and I certainly don't live on a farm in Franklin.

My songwriting tools, though somewhat contained in a digital format, are not simply pulled up by a vocal command and stored digitally automatically (unless I don't know how to use technology right - which could be true).

I DO have a cat that I adore. I DO ride a motorcycle and so does my husband. I DO get to spend time writing music and lately, I've even been ice skating a little bit. Those are all delightful.

So if what we value can't be based on circumstances, how do we find out what we value below the surface of our day of delight?

I'm not sure yet, but here's what I think I see emerging through my "tangible" list.

Ambiance

atmosphere, climate, mood, feel, character, quality, flavor, look, tone

Environment

setting, surroundings, aura, color, cultivation

Creativity

bring into existence, fashion, design, imagine, compose, give life to, shape, dream up

Routine

regular, familiar, seasonal, methodical 

Exercise

discipline, training, movement, pursuit

Learning

wisdom, information, study, education, knowledge

Music

sounds that are pleasant

Solitude

silence, privacy, peace and quiet, aloneness (not loneliness)

Relationship

connection, friendship, exchange, rapport, bond, kinship, marriage, nearness

I have always been very sensitive to ambiance and environment (you can insert all the above synonyms here).  I am easily inspired or brought down by surroundings.  All that being said, I am becoming creative about taking any circumstance and surrounding and finding delight in it. That's real creativity!

Basically, I believe that I was wired to create. Specifically, to create ambient musical structures that are intangible.  Music is like the wind, you can hear it and you can see the effects of it, but you can't see it without notes on paper or audio waves on a computer. You can drive down the road, turn on a song and be transported to a place of tranquility, though you never "see" the sound waves.

A by-product of that wiring seems to be a vocation wherein I create songs of honesty, peace and comfort, so I value the "places" from which my creativity originates.

In other words:

I value nurturing of the soul, both mine and others. I believe I can do that best by creating music.

Creating music (at least for me) comes about best through a routine consisting of a healthy blend of the following:

Solitude, spiritual disciplines, exercise, learning, relationship, ambiance and environment. The edifice of my soul is the strongest when these elements are present, no matter where I am.

In a nutshell, here's a perfect example:

I discovered a new kind of "delight" when I tried to take up figure skating a couple of years ago at the recommendation of my counselor. "Do something fun for once", she advised. I went ice skating - something I've loved since I was little.  I was not seeking to write music for a new project, I just simply followed my gut and took up skating. In fact, when it was first suggested to me, I had disengaged from creating music. I was quite depressed.

What has emerged? A brand new me, and with it, a brand new project of music. Somehow, the delight in skating evoked a new level of creativity and resulted in a stronger soul, expressed in the new music.

Maybe there is something to this "day of delight" thing.

Here's a very short video announcing the new music and the inspiration for it.  What a delightful day!!

Click here to view video.

Why not take some time to do this exercise for yourself? It can be transforming. 

Sunday Afternoon Grief

Mother's memorial service display of flowers with our baby pictures.

The first Sunday without my mother was the day we celebrated her life with a memorial service.  I was surrounded by family and friends.  I was in a daze.  I felt fine.

The second Sunday without her I was so tired and numb from the array of emotions leading up to her death that I didn't feel much.  In fact, it was a rather normal day.

The third Sunday I was driving home from church and suddenly a wave of grief came over me as I realized that normally Tom and I would go and visit her in the evening.

We would not be visiting her anymore on Sundays.  Not any day of the week. She is really gone.

It was a very rough day.  I tried to nap but my puffy eyes wouldn't let me.  I didn't want to ride the motorcycle because my last memory of the motorcycle was trying to get home from our long trip on bikes in time to see her before she lost consciousness.

I cried most of the day. My sister called from Canada but between my own tears and a bad satellite connection, we were unable to talk long. How can it be so awkward, even with family?

There were some Sundays in the past that I would have rather stayed home to sleep or ride my motorcycle than go and visit.  Now I am free to do any of those and they aren't as appealing.  I miss her, I admit as I sit here wearing her blue gingham pajamas.

I can feel a growing apprehension of facing Sundays without her. I don't want to start a new pattern of dread in my life so I tried to approach this Sunday differently.  Knowing my husband had a meeting after church and I would go home to an empty house (which is very hard) I decided to see if a friend could have lunch with me.

I was nervous as I pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  Maybe this wasn't a good idea.  Grief can hit at the worst times and I prefer to be alone when it happens.  I wondered if I did the wrong thing by suggesting we meet.  But I am so glad I did. As she shared her own story of loss, we found similarities in our journeys. Both surprised that we shed very few tears at the funeral. The tears come before and after, but during....not so much.

I find this to be a tricky path.  My heart is full of emotions. I have a certain sense of composure that I want to maintain around the public. What's strange is that I want this composure even around my closest friends and family.  I don't want anyone to touch the faucet that controls the tears.  It makes everyone feel awkward if I cry so I don't want to talk because talking makes me cry.  It's not that I don't want to talk about her. Or about my feelings.  I just don't want to cry in front of you.

There are still so many more rivers to be released and once they start, they are hard to stop.  A few drops of rain are manageable.  A flood?  That's messy!

No one knows exactly how to handle their grief.  It's different for everyone.  There are days I want to be with people - it helps take my mind off of the loss.  There are other days when I want to be alone. I don't have anything to say.  I don't want to have to talk.  I just want to be quiet.

This stage is hard for friends.  It's awkward.  I get that.

Someone asked me today if I am attending a support group for grief.  I guess it hasn't crossed my mind too much.  I find support as I write out my thoughts.  There are so many of you that have walked a similar path and you've told me how much you relate to what I write. There is a sense of healing that comes every time I read your story, hear your path. Hear what you wear that belonged to your mother.

Just today, someone told me that they used to take Sunday afternoon drives with their mother.

Another used to go have dinner with their mother on Sundays.

Others tell of how hard it is to go home to an empty house when their spouse passes.  Especially Sunday after church.

Thanks to the friends who wait patiently for us until we figure out what it is we need. Sometimes we just don't know what we need or we are too afraid of uncontrollable emotions if we open our mouth to say what we need.

It's Sunday afternoon again.
I had lunch with a friend.
Tried to sleep.
Went for a long walk.
Remembered the friend who told me today that her mother died a year ago.  Her husband passed away 8 months ago. She found a part time job to help her face the grief and the lonely house.  It's helping.  But of course, she said it with tears in her eyes.

I understood. It's that 'Sunday afternoon grief' that comes any day of the week.

"The Elephant Diet" Day 135 Always Learning!

Sunday turned out to be a great day at the Mercersburg Mennonite Church for "Biker Sunday".  I could have worn jeans and leather if I would have thought about asking.  I wasn't prepared for all the bikers to show up dressed to ride!  It just goes to show that you should never assume anything.

Concert at Mercersburg Mennonite Church

I wasn't able to ride because I had music equipment to take and CDs to sell, but my heart went with them as they all pulled out of the parking lot after my concert and quick lunch.

Days like that remind me of why I love to do what I do.  There is so much work behind the scenes to get the music ready for a CD and share it at concerts, but the payoff comes when I stand up in front of the audience of people eager to be touched and encouraged in some way and see them respond through laughter and reflection.

Yesterday I hired a sound tech for the first time (for a smaller venue) and it was a wonderful experience.  It has me thinking about how I can increase my revenue so that I can afford him more often.  I didn't have to load up my van (except for keyboard, guitar and CDs), unload it all again at the venue, get ready for the concert, pour my heart out for an hour or so in music, sell CDs, take down the equipment, load it all up, get home and unload it all again.  As you can see, it was such a treat to have someone have everything set up and take it all down.  I'm hooked.  Thanks Brian Gayman!

Bikes just waiting to ride on Biker Sunday at Mercersburg Mennonite Church

Saturday I spent some of the day getting song files ready for Nashville AGAIN for Song of Joy.  The files I sent apparently weren't in the right format, so I had to try it again.  If I have it right this time, I need to re-do the files for Portraits of White too (both Enya type tunes). This tech stuff is a challenge to me constantly, but I just keep plugging away, learning all that I can.  

 Ronnie Brookshire also mixed my "Inside Things" project.

Fortunately, Ronnie Brookshire is so easy to deal with and after another phone conversation with him, I learned a little bit more.  He could use some prayer as he works on this project.  His mother lives 300 miles away from him in TN and she is in the hospital and has been for a couple of weeks.  He has to go and help care for her and I know it's putting a strain on the things he needs to get done, let alone the strain it is on your heart when you are caring for you mother.

Praying for you Ronnie!