Mirror mirror on the wall, I don't like what I see, at all!

How do you feel about the way you look?

I have my days when I would rather not look in the mirror, but those days are less than what they used to be.

As I continue to share my mother's writings/stories in this blog, I see so many parallels with my own life. My mother had her own story about a mirror and the reflection she saw in it one day.

My story took place in Nashville, TN. I remember the day we were going to start recording the music for my album, "Inside Things" there in Nashville. We planned to start with the song, "Wonderfully Created". I had written this song thanks to a teenage girls' slumber party booking (yes - that was unusual) and our theme was from Psalm 139, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made".

We were planning to start the week of recording with that song. I got up early and had my devotions, meditating in the Psalm to prepare my heart for recording. This led to a challenging conversation sparked by the voice of God when he asked me to thank him, out loud, for making me so wonderfully, just like David did in that Psalm.

Our conversation went something like this:

God: "I want you to thank me for making you so wonderfully, just like David did here in this passage."

FD: Hesitation. "Do I have to do it out loud? Can't I just think it?"

God: "No, I want you to say it out loud."

FD: More hesitation. "But I don't want to."

God: "Why?"

FD: (Knowing how Adam and Eve must have felt when God asked them why they hid. He KNEW why! But he wanted to hear THEM say it). "I guess the truth is, if I say it out loud, I feel like I have to mean it and now that you ask me to do that, I realize I don't feel like I'm wonderfully made—no offense to your craftsmanship, but I don't!"

God: "Why don't you like how you're made?"

FD: "Well, I don't like my teeth. They are crooked and when my mother offered to have them corrected, I took it as an insult to my looks and it hurt me. I wish now I would have taken her up on her offer. When I get my pictures taken, I hate smiling with my teeth because I'm embarrassed by them. Not to mention the massive underbite I have and how it makes my jaw stick out."

God: "I know all of this about you. But you ARE wonderfully made. Do you think you could begin to thank me out loud for making you?"

FD:  (Knowing within my heart that God only asks things like this of us because he intends to help us and has more work he wants to do on the inside, I responded.) "I will certainly try...with Your help!"

God: "I'd be glad to help!"

From that moment on, I began doing just what he asked. I still have many days when I struggle, but he has begun to help me change how I think about myself.

Years later, you can see why reading the following story from my mother's life hits home with me!

From Bertha Heisey's story:

"One night that same spring, on April 1, 1947, myself, Paul and Dougie (my son) were in our car with my brother Chester, his wife Norma and their son, Charles, who was about Dougie's age. Paul was driving and we were almost home. I was sleeping with my head resting on Paul's shoulder and Dougie was on my lap (this was before child car seats, airbags, and seat belts). We were within sight of our destination, but Paul must have nodded off–and we hit a concrete bridge.

No one was killed, but our new car was greatly damaged and my face was changed forever. Earlier that same day, I had had an interchange with my mother. I was at my mother's house passing in front of the hall mirror—I looked in the mirror and said, within hearing of my mother, "I wish I looked different!"

My mother said, "Oh Bertha! You be careful what you wish for!" Well, the car accident that happened later the same day, left me with my front teeth missing and a jaw broken in 5 places and indeed, I did look different—my jaw was permanently rearranged. The injury was complicated and the healing of my jaw was a drawn-out-process, taking months to complete the surgeries and dental work. A special bridge plate with two new front teeth had to be specially made to fit my mouth, which I still wear.

But my mother never said a word to me again about what I had said when I looked in the mirror that day. And that's something I appreciated about my mother. She lived such a good example. She could have said when I came home from the hospital—"Now Bertha, see what happened!" But she never said another thing to me about it. All down through the years I have grown to appreciate her more and more."

Frances:

So back to my original question. How do you feel about yourself?
What are some beautiful traits that you could begin to focus on, instead of the ones you don't like?
Everyone has something beautiful about them! What do you adore about yourself?

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 NIV

Click on the video to hear the song "Wonderfully Created."

Do you like yourself?

I awoke too early.  It's always extra early when I'm in Nashville, TN.   Because of the one hour difference in time zones, an already-early-riser is destined to be awake at very uncomfortable hours.

It was my first day to record vocals on my "Inside Things" project and that only added to my sleeplessness. I call it the "Nashville Adrenaline".  For some reason, I have boundless energy when I'm there.  I love being there, recording, writing and just spending time developing relationships in the music industry.  I don't do 'tourist' kinds of things.

If people ask me what to do when they visit Nashville, I recommend the Bluebird Cafe, The Pancake Pantry, and down-town Franklin, but other than that, most people will never see where I spend my time in town.  Studios, homes of friends, homes with studios and anywhere else my music takes me.  It's all about relationships and that's what I love most about Franklin and Nashville.

The first song we would be recording was "Wonderfully Created".  I had been inspired with the song idea just as I was leaving to spend the weekend at a slumber party for girls and their theme was Fearfully and Wonderfully Created.  It was a very unusual 'gig' and I was nervous about doing it. It had been a long time since I stayed up really, really late with a bunch of girls.

Just as I was packing up stuff in my studio, a little melody and phrase came to me and I've learned when that happens that the best thing I can do is sit down and let it flow.  The re-write will come later.  For now, just write what comes under inspiration.  You can sweat about it later.

Now, back in Nashville, I decided to read Psalm 139 again, hoping to refresh my soul with what my vocal cords would soon have to express. It would be just me and Mr. mic in the vocal booth for the day. The producer and engineer are in another room. I like it that way.

As I read through the familiar passage, as I had so many times before, something new caught my eye. Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (ESV).  I smiled and thought to myself; how nice that David can say that.  Suddenly, within my spirit, I sensed the voice of God's Spirit.  "I'd like you to thank me for making you".

WHAT???

I sat there, stunned. It was sweet to read of someone else having those sentiments.  But now I felt like God was asking me to acknowledge (out loud with my mouth) that I too was wonderfully created. "Such a beautiful song to sing - now I'd like you to believe it", He seemed to whisper.

It evoked such emotion in me that I was speechless.  Well...sort of.

"I don't have time for a therapy session right now, Lord, I said in my speechless state. I have to go record a song to share with people so they know how wonderful they are. And please don't make me thank you for making me complex TOO!.....like David did.  I hate my introspective, complex self. I'm weary of it.  Why can't I be care-free and simple?".

The conversation between He and I continued.

"I don't feel like I'm wonderful", I said. "In fact, most of the time I don't like myself at all. I never weigh the right amount, my teeth don't have that nice clean bite that most people have."  (I should have taken my mother up on the offer to get braces as a teenager, but I felt like she was insinuating that I wasn't pretty because of my teeth, so I resented her offering that.)  I was too young to process my thoughts at that age.  I'm sure she was only trying to help. I couldn't hear her well because my ears were plugged up with my own insecurity.

I wish I could re-do some things. How about you?

In response to my outburst with the Lord, I could hear His gentle whisper now.  "Just start.  Ok, so you can't be thankful that you are complex, can you start by thanking me for making you?"

I sat for a while.  I couldn't answer this right now.  But I did bow my head and ask Him to help me. "Thank you for making me", I said.  Half out loud and half not.

That was over 8 years ago.  Do I still have days when I don't like myself?  Absolutely!

Most recent photo shoot.
Showing my teeth.

I used to avoid smiling and showing my teeth at photo shoots because I don't like my teeth.  The photographer has to practically 'pull my teeth' to get me to show them.

But over time, I have been more intentional about thanking God out loud for making me when that dark cloud of self-hatred starts coming my way. As I learn to accept the complexity with which I operate from, He's also helping me to be more care-free and not take things so seriously.

As I cooperate with Him, He helps me to see myself in a much more positive light.

As I arrived at the studio that morning to start the project of "Inside Things", believe me, I had already had quite a work out on the inside things.  It started with Psalm 139.

So I ask you again.  Do you like yourself?

If this song can help you appreciate the beauty of how intricately you were made, then perhaps my little therapy session that morning was worth it.

View video/song here.

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 40 A Listening Party

I can't believe it's day # 40 already.

I certainly have learned a valuable lesson.  It's one thing to be told that if you just do a little bit each day toward your goal you will accomplish a lot, and another thing to actually do it and find that it's true.

After rambling last night in my blog about all the things I wish for and complaining about being so tired at night that I'm too brain dead to do anything creative, I actually did begin to work on something else on my 'to do' list.  I guess I just needed to clear the air.

I started planning my upcoming listening party that I promised two of my friends before the end of January.  This involves putting together an interesting way of presenting the music to the girls who I hope will be my song sisters for the Christmas show (otherwise known as back up singers - though they will be more than that!!).

I began writing a script that ties everything together and tells a story of my own journey back to the heart of Christmas.  Today I finished it, recorded it and listened back, already hearing some changes I need to make.

They are coming in a couple of weeks, so I want time to let it all settle and listen again before they listen.

This is a scary adventure.  It might be compared to presenting story boards for a movie idea.  It's such a small way to present such a big vision, but you have to start somewhere.

The music is in its raw form....just a simple recording.  I want everyone to hear the finished product.  It's like getting dressed up to go out with your soon to be husband who only sees the good stuff on the outside of you (the finished recording) versus waking up first thing in the morning with your husband when your hair is a wreck and you have no makeup on (the homemade version of the music).  It feels totally vulnerable.   But I am committed to seeing this thing through.

I'll continue the journey on Monday - taking a weekend break again.  I think it did me good last weekend and I intend to do it again.

Thanks for reading and thanks for cheering me on!

Have a great weekend.  And oh - what is YOUR elephant that you could start tackling one bite at a time?  This really works!

"The Elephant Diet" Day # 6

I just finished reading a large dose of information about using Kickstarter to fund creative projects. That was the item on my to do list that seemed best suited for my very busy day today.

I can see that Kickstarter is its own elephant! But as I watched videos that other 'creators' have made to share their vision with the world, I was greatly inspired to think even more creatively about my Christmas CD project and how I could come up with inspiring ways to cast my vision to my network of fans and friends. The wheels are turning.

Another fantastic thing took place today.

I attended what has become an annual brunch hosted by a fan of mine who has now become a very dear friend. It was just 3 of us, but it was amazing. Her gift is hospitality and she really pours it on. These 2 ladies have been such a support to me the past couple of years. They are women I can look up to and talk to about so many things.

I decided to be bold and share my vision for a CD and shhhhh........(an annual Christmas show) with them and I was delighted by their response. As I began to open up my heart to them, they began to contribute their ideas and suggestions and were so anxious to hear more about it that we are going to meet again sometime next month and have a listening party. They will get to hear the rough drafts of my songs and are eager to watch the project unfold.

Not only was I encouraged by their excitement and support, but I walked away realizing that I have come a long way as an artist from when I first started. I used to be so shy about my journey and my dreams and only invited folks to see or hear the finished product.

I have become so much more comfortable in my skin and with who I am becoming, that this time around, as I blog each day and share the journey openly, I find it much more exciting to take people with me, than to go alone.

What a day!

The Elephant Diet

I've always heard that if you want to eat an elephant, it's best if you eat it 
one bite at a time.  

There are two elephants I'd like to eat these days:

1) getting better and more consistent about blogging
2) producing a Christmas CD

I think the best way I can do both, is to combine the two. 

So here I go!  

I am going to blog about the journey of what it's like to do a CD project and 
let you in on the process: the decisions and hard work that go into something 
of this magnitude.  

This will be my 7th CD project.  I've also recorded 2 singles and 1 professional 
music video.  They are all big elephants, but I've eaten them all and without 
having to go into debt to do it.

Welcome to the journey of making a CD.  Hopefully as you read this, you will get 
inspired to eat your own elephant - one bite at a time.

(I have no idea what the calorie count is when eating an elephant).